


Phoenix

by maximumred



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Angst, Broken Families, Conspiracy, Dauntless Initiation, Divergent, F/M, Family Secrets, Fear, Memory Loss, Past Child Abuse, Phoenix - Freeform, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-07-27 03:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 90,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7601719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximumred/pseuds/maximumred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How bad do  I want it? I consider this while I stands on the ledge a hundred stories above the ground. I am starring into the deep black below me swirling in its infinity. How strong can I become? That question is in the tall pale mans eyes. He stands beside me on the ledge looking impatient and the question he asks is one I cannot answer in any other way. So I jump.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Amity Appearances

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everyone! This is a work in progress I write on my down time. It really motivates me when I get feedback so I hope to hear from you guys!

The aptitude test was meant to determine our place within the factions. The aptitude test has been haunting me for a year now, waiting for me just over the horizon with the promise that maybe now I'll know who I am.  We spend all of our school years in limbo, waiting to find out where we belong, to find out if we are selfless, brave, smart, honest, or kind. Its nearly impossible to focus on the homework and classes when you're constantly analyzing your every behavior trying to guess the answer to a question you haven't even been asked yet.  

Each of us has grown up in our parents faction, held at arm's length from really being a part of it until the day we get to choose arrives. What they don't tell you is how much pressure there is to stay in the faction where you were raised. When someone chooses a faction that is different then their families they won't ever get to speak to their families again. The residence of each faction don't mingle with each other beyond what's necessary to keep our society running. A majority of inter faction relations are done by faction leaders. Faction before blood as they say. Whats worse is the way the families of defectors are treated. There are people who feel those parents raised a traitor. There are negative implications for any faction who sees a large number of defectors. When the people in charge get uncomfortable, when they feel they have been made to look bad, it's the families that are left behind that pay the price. They become social perias in most cases.  

Knowing that wont change my decision. Infact, without even taking my aptitude test I know there isn't a chance in hell I'll be staying in Amity any longer than I have to.  The aptitude test is kept secret. None of us know what will happen or how exactly they will be testing us and once it's over we are forbidden to discuss our results. You are not required to make your choice based on your results but doing anything else would be dooming yourself to a life of misery trapped where you don't belong struggling to fit in. These are all the things going through my head as i sit in my room unable to sleep in the early morning hours before my aptitude test.  

There are a lot of reasons that I can't stay in Amity but right now looking out my window over the fields I can't help but realize how much I’ll miss the beauty of an Amity sunrise. I have a few hours until it's time to get ready, before I’ll know if my aptitude says I belong somewhere else or if I’ll just be fleeing to another place I don't belong in. My whole life has been this twisted game of hide and seek. Amity is supposed to be the faction of kindness everyone regards us as the most peaceful. I guess all the banjo playing, hand holding, and free love doesn't help our reputation as a bunch of hippies. My family however is far from peaceful not that anyone sees it. My mother has a way of talking to you like your the worst thing that ever happened to her. She uses disappointment and failure like weapons to take away all of your dignity. She never physically hurt me which is why it took me so long to realize what she was doing, why she didn't act like my friends moms.

I had to try and hide in the amity community, pretending to be happy and carefree while every second here felt like I was caving in on myself, too hollow to project the kind of love and happiness I saw all around me. The people of amity know how to see people's pain they learn to recognize it in a person's posture so that they can comfort anyone who needs it.  If I failed to blend in, If someone had to administer peace serum to me, then it was worse, my mother would corner me when I got home and tear me to shreds. She would tell me how I was ruining the family reputation and giving Amity a bad name, She would pull apart all of my flaws and weaknesses until I was crying in my bedroom with the door locked from the outside, She would tell the people of Amity that I was just really sensitive.She would say that anything could make me cry because I was emotional and sometimes she even tried to play off my tears as tears of joy. For the most part it worked. No one seemed to realize what our home was like when the curtains were drawn. 

Today is the aptitude test and tomorrow is the choosing ceremony, one more day and I'll be free. Freedom is the one thing that really makes me ‘Amity happy’ just the thought that I can leave and never come back is all I need to get through the rest of today. Who knows maybe I'll behave so Amity my mother won't have anything to complain about when I get home. Maybe I'll finally blend in the day before I leave for good. As the sun breaks over the horizon and the pinks and purples begin to fade to a dusky blue I decide it's time to get ready. The aptitude test is administered alphabetically which means I’ll be one of the first to go.

After I get dressed in my Amity red pants and yellow tank top I climb down the side of my house from my bedroom window barefoot. I leave my shoes behind so I can keep a better grip on the wooden siding with my toes. My bedroom is locked from the outside like it is every night and I know I’ll have to get back before my mother comes to wake me at 7:30 for now though It's only 5 and I still have time. I head straight for the fields running through them as fast as I can feeling the dew on the grass wet my pant legs. I know exactly where I'm headed and I let the feeling of my lungs burning and my muscles aching fuel me as I close in on my destination. Back behind the fields there is a sort of invisible border. No one goes beyond it into the small patch of woods that separates the fields from the fences, no one that is except for me. Years ago I found an old run down log cabin back here, some sort of outpost for guards on the fence. For whatever reason they stopped using it and it became my early morning sanctuary instead. This is where I go to clear my mind. I run laps around the cabin and do push ups I even made a punching bag. There was a thick wool blanket in one of the closets so I filled it with loose dirt from the woods and tied it off at the top. I used the same rope that I tied it off with to hang the bag from a support beams and I have been practising as best I could to prepare myself for the choice I’ll make. The choice that will finally give me strength. All I’ve ever wanted to be is Dauntless. 

I still remember how hard it was to hoist the heavy bag of dirt up into the air with the rope. How my muscles strained and my back hurt and sweat pooled all over my skin like it never had before. It took a long time but I managed to do it all on my own as a skinny 11 year old girl and I had never felt more proud of myself than I did that day. At first when I punched the bag it hung there like a log without so much as budging. I started keeping a closer watch on the dauntless kids, waiting for them to get into fights so I could watch how the punched. I even read a book on fight techniques that was kept in the library at school. Soon enough the bag was swaying and rocking under the force of my hits and i felt powerful for the firstt ime, but even now all these years later I doubt my choice.  Is it enough just to want it? Does’nt fleeing my mother make me a coward? Will my aptitude test even say that I’m Dauntless? Could it be anything else? 

I try to shake my doubts loose and focus instead on the feeling of the punching bag under my fists. Right ,Right, Left. Kick. Right, Right, Left. Kick. I pummel and pound the bag until my breathing is labored and my shoulders ache. I swing harder now picturing my mother's disappointed face at tomorrow's ceremony. I know what she will do, she will sit quietly in the parents section and she will stick her bottom jaw out and harden her eyes just like she does every time she gets mad. Even from across the room I know I will feel her stare like daggers in my chest. She didn't know she was building a warrior. She didn't know she was teaching me to withstand pain and anger. She doesn't know I'm strong but she will know. Tomorrow she will know and so will everyone else. Everyone who believed her lies or looked the other way will see me up there and they will know I’m Dauntless. As I swing again I feel the fabric of the bag tear under my fist and all the dirt from within begins to pour out onto my feet. I lean on my knees as I try to catch my breath watching the dirt make the leap to the wood floor in astonishment. Maybe it was years of abuse that made this bag finally tear or maybe I'm getting stronger. I can't help the smile that spreads over my face or the giggle that passes my lips as I scoop up a handful of dirt. There's no use making another bag so I cut my workout short and begin the run back to my house. It's better this way, Now that my hands and feet are filthy I’ll  need the extra time to shower before I go in for my test. Excitement surges through my blood as I run, the power I feel helping to keep the smile plastered to my face. At least there's nothing unusual about this piece of me here in Amity. People run around smiling all the time.

I reach the house more quickly than I wanted and I begin placing my hands in their familiar places pushing myself up the side of the house towards my open window. I try not to make much noise as I tumble into my room but I knock my guitar over with my foot and it makes a loud flat sound as the strings are jostled against the neck. Footsteps outside my door send my heart into overdrive and I dive for the bathroom that's attached to my room. The door opens just as I turn the shower water on hoping to cover the sound of my labored breathing. I toss my now dirty clothes into the corner and hop into the shower straining my ears to hear what my mother is doing on the other side of the bathroom door. After what feels like the longest moment of my life there's a soft knock on the bathroom door. 

“Yes?” I call to her in a fake singsong voice. 

“You shouldn't leave your window open Yuna the wind blew over your grandmother's guitar.” 

From the safety of the bathroom I roll my eyes. My grandmother's guitar was old, the neck snapped 3 years ago. I was afraid to tell my mother so I went to my teacher with it crying mumbling through my snotty sobs that she was never going to forgive me. She tried to calm me down and she helped me find a guitar that looked just like it so that my mother wouldn't have to know. At the time I was just so glad to have help I didn't realize that my teacher had been actively helping me lie to my mother. We must have done a good job though because she never noticed the switch out. I smile as I begin lathering shampoo into my long red hair. 

“Oh, I’m sorry mom! I just thought the sun rise was so beautiful and I wanted to smell the trees.”

At least I know I’m not Candor. I lie like this hundreds of times a day just to hold my mother at bay. 

“Alright, just be more careful with the things you’ve been given and hurry up I made you dessert for breakfast, today is a big day.”

I hear the door click closed behind her and I make quick work of finishing my shower, making sure not to leave any dirt behind for her to see. As much as I want out of here, my mother is a fantastic cook. My stomach grumbles at the thought of her homemade apple pie waiting for me downstairs. All the running and working out I did certainly worked up an appetite. I get dressed for the second time today and hurry towards the sugary sweet smell that's spreading through the house. She eyes me suspiciously over the table as a wolf down more than my fair share of apple pie. 

“You’re certainly hungry this morning.” 

She comments cooly through narrowed eyes. I try to swallow the still hot hunk of apple in my mouth so that I can reply but it sticks on its way down. A hold up a single finger and chug some milk to clear my throat and she raises an eyebrow at my gesture. I try to recover quickly putting on my best apologetic voice before she can get too upset.

“ I just can't help myself around your apple pie mom you know that.”

I try to smile sweetly at her but my stomach is doing flips and the rage in the back of my head from this morning keeps trying to bubble up. I could use some of that Amity bread right about now. Just seeing her hardened eyes like I did in my mind makes me ball my fists under the table. Sometimes I wonder if everyone here needs that peace serum to keep their anger in check or if it's just me who struggles like this. She nods her head once without returning my smile then leans across the counter in a way that was probably meant to be casual but really just feels intimidating. 

“No matter what your test says you're my daughter. You will always belong here with me. I know it's scary the pressures this system puts on kids like you. It's a big decision to be making at such a young age, I know you aren't ready, none of us were then. I saw so many people make the wrong choice and they payed for it the rest of their lives. I know you won't do that though, You’ll make the right choice won't you?”

It may have been worded like a question but what she said was an order. the ‘right choice’ as she so coolly stated was Amity. She expects me to come home tomorrow after the choosing ceremony. Whether she's afraid of being alone or just determined to keep control of me I don't know. I try to sidestep lying to her with half truths and carefully chosen words.

“Of course mom. I’ve always known where I belong.” 

I try to smile at her again but I’m afraid it comes across like more of a grimace especially when her narrowed eyes begin boring into mine like she can see my thoughts. My hands are shaking now and I try to hold my head high to hide my fear. Her lips twitch towards a smirk before she grabs the plate from in front of me and tosses it into the trash.  

“If you keep eating pie for breakfast you're never going to fit into the dresses I buy for you.”

I hated wearing dresses and she knew it though it never stopped her from buying them and hanging them in my closet for me. She looked at me jeans with disapproval as she scolds me for eating as if she hadn't given me the pie. This was the kind of game she was best at. My stomach grumbled again but I ignored it. I knew better than to ask her for more food. 

It didn't take long to walk to the building where the test was being administered and because I was so eager to get away from my house I was one of the first to arrive. The only other dependants there this early were a handful of very punctual erudite who had their noses shoved into books. I took a seat against the back wall facing the row of doors to wait. The blue of the Erudites was soon drown out as the gray Abnegation kids and the colorful Amity all began to file in.  Some hugged their families tightly, others like me walked in alone. My peers sat in groups and the buzz of excitement was bouncing around the room all that was left was the arrival of Dauntless. No dauntless was ever early, they rode the trains and arrived at exactly the same time every day. I felt excitement wash over me as I approached the window on the wall to the right of the doors, the one that faced the tracks, from here I could watch them all jumping from the still moving train. I wasn't the only one by the window but I could hardly be bothered to notice. The trains loud horn was sounding and the black shapes poured from the open box cars like a thick heavy fog. From somewhere behind me I heard a soft mumble.

“I think they pump the water with testosterone there like Amity's peace bread. Why else would so many people willingly jump from a damn train.” 

I wasn't sure why this annoyed me so much they weren't my faction, at least not yet but it did bother me. This kid thought he was funny and judging by the snickers that followed his friends must think so too.  I turned around sharply letting my ponytail smack anyone who was standing too close. 

“Thats funny, looks like you could use a little testosterone limp dick.” 

I had to fight a blush at my own words. It was way over the line and I had never said anything like that before but there was a thrill in it for me as soon as I saw the look on this kids face. He was a scrawny looking Erudite boy with thick glasses frames that held no lenses. His button down shirt was slightly rumpled and his hair was crisp like he had tried to gel it down and only succeeded in making spikes that jutted out in every direction. His ears turned red and I could practically watch his gears turn behind his eyes that were scrunched up in disbelief. He was struggling to find something to say but he had waited to long and now nothing he said would make a difference. I began walking past him with a smirk shoving into his shoulder just to drive my point home. He stumble backwards and began an angry murmur with his friends as soon as i had gotten 3 steps away. 

Once they started calling out names my gut dropped and any remnants of the high my victory brought was lost. I tapped my toe nervously from the back of the room trying to focus. It felt like every tick of the clock was a crash of thunder in the silent room. Everyone here was silent lost in their own worlds. 

“Yuna Blackwood” 

My head snapped in the direction my name was called. The women standing in the open door was searching the crowd now and I fought the shake in my bones as I stood to move towards her. She was a lovely Dauntless women with purple streaks in her straight black hair. She was covered in tattoos and piercings and she wore a purple and black corset top with leather pants and killer heeled boots. She didn't smile at me as I approached infact she looked rather bored. 

When I entered the room I was hit with my own reflection from every angle. three of the walls were mirrors and in the center of the room was a chair much like a dental chair. I saw her reflection beside mine, the way her hair shone under the lights while mine looked dry and dull. Her bright  golden brown eyes lined with dark makeup meeting my light blue in the mirror. I was her height even though she wore those shoes but i felt so small. She had such a confident presence she was larger than life. I looked like winnie the pooh in my red shirt and yellow pants. She gestured for me to sit in the chair between us.  I moved too quickly to comply knocking my knee into the edge and hissing at impact. She still said nothing just rolling her eyes with her back turned. If it weren't for the mirrors I never would have known. After I was settled into the chair she pulled a rolling office chair up beside me while she held a small glass in her hand. 

“My name is Tori and I’ll be administering your test today.You’ll drink this, in it are  microscopic neurotransmitters that will allow me to both administer the simulation testing and allow me to see what your choices are on my own monitor.What's happening in your mind will feel real but you won't actually be hurt by anything in the sim. Everyone receives the same choices and everyone chooses differently this will show me your base personality traits so that we can assess where you will fit best. It will take 30 seconds for it to kick in. Drink up.”

I stare at the metallic liquid in my hands trying to grasp what she just said. She will be able to see into my mind while I experience something that isn't real? I held the glass under my nose only to realize the liquid was completely odorless. I stirred it around watching the shiny thick substance swirl around. I must have been taking to long because Tori rolled her eyes again leaning back in her chair with a loud sigh. I felt my anger bubbling up again and I to keep myself in check i dive head first into the testing, I throw back the liquid in one gulp slapping my lips after.

“That's the second time you rolled your eyes at me Tori.” 

I speak to her with a harshness that felt foreign and fantastic as I chuck the empty glass against the only unmirrored wall where it shatters immediately. Tori doesn't even blink as the glass sprays across the room littering the floor by the entrance and as everything fades to black I see her smirk. 


	2. The Test

When I open my eyes I am standing alone in the testing room. The wall that used to hold the door has been replaced by a fourth mirrored wall and suddenly it seems as if the room will continue on indefinitely. Its as if the walls aren't there and I'm simply trapped in negative space surrounded by hundred of versions of myself. A table appears directly in front of me as a booming voice permeates my mind. I can't tell if the sound is within my head or if the mirrors are messing with me, a sensory echo, preventing me from locating the source. 

“CHOOSE.”

On the table are two items. A wheel of cheese and a large terrifying knife. What could I possibly be doing where these two items are interchangeable? There's no time to question the simulation I need to make a decision fast, I can feel the pressure for action settling on my shoulders.  Think, think Yuna. I grab the knife, it's what a Dauntless would do. Holding it makes my stomach lurch. I turn the large formidable blade in my hand observing how it glints wickedly in the harsh white light and I pray that I won't have to use it. Im torn free from my thoughts as a deep snarl reverberates from behind me. This time I have no trouble locating the source of the sound. When I turn around I’m faced with a large angry dog. A breed I couldn't identify, there were no dogs this large in Amity. The longer this moment drags on the more I see all the signs of fear that I’ve been taught to find. Its front shoulders are hunched towards the ground, its teeth bared showing me the strings of drool that hang from its chops.The dog's fur is standing up as it lets out another horrific growl.  My heart is pounding in my ribs what should I do? I look at the knife in my hand with disgust. This dog is afraid and I’m holding this threatening knife. I cast the knife away letting it clatter on the tile floor as it bounces far out of reach. The dog takes a small step forward still snarling lowly. I do the only thing I can think of, I crouch down to its level and hold my hands out palms up.

“Hey, it's okay, I won't hurt you.” 

As soon as the words leave my lips the dog begins to bound forward. Its tongue lolls out of the side of its mouth and it bounces around in front of me excitedly. I let out a hysterical laugh as I realize it won't attack. I wave of euphoria washes away the stress as I pet behind the dog's ears. I begin to coo to the dog affectionately.

“Oh you’re not so scary are you? You're just a big love ball.” 

Just as I begin feeling like I've passed this test again a noise comes from behind me. I’m beginning to really dislike being approached from behind. This time the noise I hear is the small chirping voice of a young girl. 

“Ooo Doggie!” 

She's squealing with delight as I hear her footfalls approaching. Like a tidal wave I feel panic wash over me again, or maybe that's the apple pie trying to come back up. This dog is too unpredictable to be around children. That is all I can be certain of. As she nears I see the dog start to lower itself, it's becoming defensive and afraid right before my eyes and I can't let it hurt her. I have to stop it before she gets too close. I glance over to where I threw the knife but it's gone. Figures. I try to call out to the girl.

“Little girl stay back !”

She doesn't seem to hear me at all as she continues trotting forward with a smile on her face. She clearly can't tell that this dog does not want to be touched right now.

“Well Fuck it.” 

I mutter curse words and profanities under my breath as I wrap my arms around the dog's neck. It had been focused on her approach allowing me to stay close to it. As the dog feels my arms closing around its throat it lunges forward towards the girl. I'm holding it back with all of my strength when I feel its teeth impaling my forearm. I scream rips from me that sounds barbaric and foreign to my ears. I twist my arms sharply snapping the dog's neck within my grasp. 

My eyes feel wet and my heart beats quickly, the fluttering in my chest driven harder by anger rather than panic like before. I see the dogs bright happy eyes in my mind. It wasn't a monster. I didn't want to kill it.  

I take a deep breath and this time when I open my eyes I’m on a moving train. It seems obvious to me that the people around me aren't real. None of them seem to realize I’m here. As I glance around my surroundings it feels as if I’m separated from the others by some transparent bubble. What do I have to do now? Punch a baby? This sim seems to be taking forever I just want it to be over. I resign myself to the sims control and grab hold of the bars next to me for balance. The train seems to move quickly as it jostles around on the tracks. Everyone in front of me is facing away looking towards the front of the train except one man. He’s a bald older gentleman with a long scar over his right eye. He wears a dingy over coat and he pushes through the crowd of people with his eyes locked on mine. There's something about his face, his posture, his eyes that makes me warey. I decide as he comes nearer that I don't trust him. In his left hand he clutches a crumpled newspaper and I see that his fingernails are blackened and cracked. He shoves the newspaper in front of my face, flattening it roughly. 

“Do you know this man?” 

His voice is deep and gruff and it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I look more closely at the photograph in his large hands. There's a photo of a man under the headline ‘Wanted for suspicion in criminal violence charges.’ I glance back at the photo sensing a familiarity that I didn't before. I do know this man, not his name, nor anything detailed. I just recognize him somehow. The man holding the article shakes it at me to remind me to answer him. 

“Do you know this man?”

He demands an answer again and I meet his eyes rather than look at the page any longer. In his eyes I see that same glint I saw before. Up Close it only cements my distrust. He isn't a good man. The man in the photo may or may not be a criminal but his fate shouldn't ever be in this guys hands there's no way that will end well. This suspected man needs a trial in Candor with truth serum. That's justice. The man before me now is most definitely not an officer, all police matters are conducted by dauntless. He is factionless. 

“No”

Let's try that. How could I even explain to this brute that I knew this guy he was asking about but I didn't know anything about him? Clearly I’m of no help so I’d bet smarter just to keep this factionless guy from becoming a criminal himself. 

“You’re lying!”

He shouts at me and for the first time the other people on the train take notice of us. 

“I’m lying?”

I ask incredulously with a raised eyebrow. I tried to redirect the words, He needed to question his resolve. He can't possibly  _ know _ I’m lying. If I want him to believe me I need to be firm. 

“You’re lying! This man gave me this scar. You have to tell me who he is. I need your help!” 

The man points to his own face and the ragged scar that distorts his features chillingly. His eyes bulge from the sockets and the veins in this forehead take on a third dimension in his rage. 

“That man may have given you a scar but he didn't take away your manners. You did that yourself. You have a vendetta against this guy? Great. Good for you. Leave me out of it.”

I stare down into this man's vile face and set my jaw like I imagine my mother does. If she could intimidate me with it maybe it will work on him.

The scene before me dissolves and I open my eyes in the testing room. The chair is beneath me once again and I take in a sharp breath as I sit up. To my right Tori stares at the screen with her hands folded over her mouth. Her eyebrows are drawn down and her face is deadly serious. 

“W-what were my results?” 

I sound breathless as I ask her and my words don't penetrate her thoughts. She is still so enwrapped with the testing that she looks like a stone sculpted beauty. She looks at me with a start a moment later and hastily removes the electrodes she wore attached to her temples. 

“This is bad Yuna”

Her voice is almost too quiet to hear as she hurriedly scoots herself towards me and takes a firm hold of my hands.

How could this be bad? I want to ask her what I did wrong but before I can speak she covers my mouth with her hand. Her voice was hurried and quiet as her eyes searched mine frantically.

“Shhh. Dont talk. Just listen. The way the test works is it presents you with options each time you make a decision you're supposed to rule out a faction until there is only one left. When you were given the choice to take the knife or the cheese you choose the knife. That ruled out Amity and made Dauntless a possibility. The only way to get the Dauntless result is to do more than chose the knife, you have to use it. that's being Dauntless. So when you tossed away the knife I really had no idea what to make of it, I've never seen anyone do that before. It seemed like an abnegation choice, to allow the dog to hurt you before considering hurting it but when you killed the dog to save the child That was Dauntless again. Then on the train at first  you refused to tell the truth which ruled out Candor and as you observed the man's behavior you took on an Erudite mindset.  When the man pressured you for an answer though you didn't lie. You told him why you were staying out of it. You displayed your distrust in his motives and your desire to stay neutral. In the end you didn't rule out any of the factions except for Amity, which considering your outfit may just have been your own choice. Did you know you were in a simulation? Did you refuse Amity? “

I held Toris dark eyes with mine as I looked over her hand. She pulled away from me allowing me to speak.

“What?”

I start speaking only to have Tori cut in and shush me, urgently reminding me that I need to be more quiet. I follow her slight eye movement and see that in the corner of the room is a camera. If there is a camera there could logically be a microphone. Who was watching? Why would it matter if they heard Tori and I now. Seeing Toris reaction was only adding to my mounting concern. 

“What do you mean refuse Amity? Of course I want to leave but I didn't know what any of those choices meant while I was making them. Well except the knife. I mean I knew the knife represented dauntless but I didn't even care to guess what the cheese meant. What does all of this mean? I thought the test was supposed to tell me where I belonged. How can I just not get a result?” 

Tori’s eyes seemed a hundred years old all of a sudden as it became obvious to me that I was in way over my head. I hadn't even known that test results  _ could _ go wrong before this. If I had I might have spent more time worrying about messing up and less time worrying about If I’d be truly Dauntless or not. I just assumed I’d have an answer by the end of this and now that I’m done and I’m left with no more security than I had before, I can't help but fall into deep disappointment. I wanted it to be this easy. I wanted someone to come in here test me and tell me where I belonged. I wanted to be sure of something for once. After a long pregnant pause Tori let out a breath and closed her eyes. She rested her face against her hand as she mumbled quietly to me once again. 

“Its called Divergence. It means that you don't fit into just one faction but many. It's dangerous to be Divergent. You need to understand that if anyone finds out about it your life will be at risk. People are threatened by Divergents and you wouldn't be the first of them to die mysteriously. Do you understand how serious this is? You can't tell anyone. Not your parents, not your boyfriend not  _ anyone.  _ no matter how much the people in your life may love you, it won't stop them from fearing you. Remember the dog. Remember what fear does to people.  Now get out, go, I’m going to manually enter your test results as Dauntless. It isn't the safest faction for you but it's where you should find it easiest to hide. Am I right?” 

As I stand up on shaking legs I nod my agreement. It's what I want and she can see that. Tori rushes about the room throwing nervous glances at the camera. She collects the glass from the floor dumping it onto the computer along with some of the water from a bottle she had sitting near by. 

“Tell everyone about smashing your glass but tell them you didn't see where it went before the sim kicked in. Go!” 

I scuttle out of the room, awkwardly groping the door for a handle like I’d never used one before. I hurry out of the building as my mind spins. I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter what result I got. That I've always planned to choose Dauntless and now I will. I always worried I’d be choosing a faction I didn't belong in but now it seems I could go anywhere.  My results did not  _ rule out  _ Dauntless. I can be Dauntless if I want to be Dauntless right? As soon as I’m outside and in the clear I let my body slid down the cold rock wall of the administration building . I have to go home or my mother will know something is up.

Suddenly I’m incredibly thankful that we are forbidden from discussing our results. I wouldn't have to tell her. I'd have a real excuse if she asked. I just have to calm myself down so that I can get through the rest of today without setting off suspicion. If I don't act like anything has changed she will just assume my results were Amity. One more day.Then I won't have to pretend anymore. Then I can find out who  _ me _ is. 

Half an hour later when my heart has slowed and my breathing steadied I push myself up to standing and begin my walk home. The walk isn't long really. Though it requires me to go through a part of town that's been abandoned. The factionless live in the cracks of our society. In between the borders of the factions and around the edges of the central city. As I pass them  today I notice a lot more young people than I remember there being before. Some of them looked strong and healthy, others weak and malnourished. Everywhere I look I find myself searching for than man from the test. I know he won't be out here hiding, waiting, looking for me. Better yet I know that the simulation intended to make me feel uncomfortable around the factionless or else play to a discomfort they expect. Despite knowing all this my eyes peek into the darkest corners for the scarecrow they had built me. I had never really considered how you could become factionless. Some children are clearly born into it while other people only could have been banished from their factions. Today though I begin to wonder if these people choose factionless lives, at least some of them. I try to keep my eyes downward as I start to near them, observing my own sneakers in great detail as I continue on by. I have seen the way other people stare at them and I don't want to be like that. I have no judgments to pass. The scarecrow can't fool me, I know there is good to be found here behind the scary mask.  

I keep moving trying to be invisible and silent. Before long I’m back in the familiar Amity grass trudging my way towards home.  I fight to keep my cool as I paint a smile onto my face. 

“I’m home” 

I call out as I enter the house kicking my shoes off next to the door and tossing my school bag onto the chair beside the door. I hadn't known what to expect at this test so I’d brought pencils and a calculator. It almost seems funny now. 

“Yuna? How did it go?”

My mother appeared in the door to the kitchen her face stern and her posture rigid. I wonder now if Amity had been her results, it doesn't seem possible when we are alone though she is rather convincing in public. Could she be Divergent too? Was she a transfer? She has never spoken of my grandparents. I barely managed to weasel my father's first name from her bear trap of a mind. She kept secrets like collectable treasures, elite, for her knowledge only. It was a type of power she held over me. She insisted that if I knew all the things she did I would understand why she couldn't tell me.  That paradox kept me up for years. She refused to inform me about my father, her younger years, anything I may have asked about.  Having me understand wasn't important being the sole source of information made her valuable. It made her powerful.   

The dining room is joined with the living room so standing at the door I can see past her shoulder into the kitchen.  She has been cooking all day. I swallow dryly as I take in the place settings and cutlery that lay so delicately on her best table cloth. There is a bottle of red wine sat between the glasses that is already half empty. My mother only ever gets out the table settings when she's in one of her moods. She spends an entire day fussing over food and drinking wine trying desperately to make the perfect dinner. She gets eccentric with it, obsessing until she drives herself into a meltdown before the meal is even done  When she's completely remade the item 3 or 4 times she is always ultimately dissatisfied and angry. 

Last time she threw Eggplant Parmesan against the wall and smashed her wine glass in the sink because she thought her food was dry. She's wringing her hands inside of a dish towel as she stares me down waiting for my answer. I can't find my voice as I watch her for signs that I should flee. She tosses the rag down on the table and places her hands onto her hips. Her movements are just as flimsy and fake as her make believe family dinner. She knew before the day started that no one was going to get to eat this dinner. No one would use those plates. We won't get that far. 

“I asked you a question Yuna.” 

Her voice sounded chilling and I couldn't stop myself from clutching onto the hem of my shirt nervously. My breathing was picking up as I forced myself to respond this time.

“I-It went well. I was in and out really quick.”

She didn't blink an eye as she looked me up and down. She didn't believe me. I could see it and I felt my legs twitch towards the stairs as I fought to hold my ground. Running only makes it worse. 

“What were your results?”

Why did she have to ask me that? Every second I'm standing here makes my limbs feel heavy and my blood pounding through me like lead in my veins. 

“T-They said not t-to tell anyone.”

Before the words have finished leaving my mouth I can see they were not the right answer. My mother's sneer has taken hold of her features and she hastily pours herself a glass of wine.

“I’m your mother. I’ve given you everything I have and now you want to keep secrets?”

She tipped her head back and downed her whole glass before beginning to pour another. My eyes are glued to her hands as I fight inside my mind. She clearly doesn't like the idea that I know something she does not know. This hasn't ever happened to us before, at least never when she knew she was being deliberately kept in the dark. The shoe is on the other foot and she seems unhappy with being on my end this time around. 

“I’m sorry mom, I just thought I’d get in trouble.”

With a humorless laugh she smacks her glass down and turns back to look at me.

“Trouble? You were worried about getting in  _ trouble _ ? Well, I guess there is a first time for everything isn't there? Tell me, did they have to give you any peace serum today or did you manage to control yourself without me there? I am the only person who can ever keep you under control aren't I? _ I  _ am the selfless mother you disrespect and hide things from.”

I could almost see the rage building behind her smile as I said nothing. What could I say to that? There was no reply that wouldn't escalate things further. My fists were balled at my sides as I fought to control my breathing, struggling to be the calm one. It's hard to think straight when every nerve ending is screaming for you to run. I can't hear myself think anymore and I realize too late that her pointed look was growing more and more vicious. 

“What. Were. Your. Results?”

She paused after every word, gritting her teeth as she grabbed her wine glass and refilled it yet again even though it was still half full. There wasn't any chance I could avoid this question. She wasn't going to let up. I could lie to her. I could tell her that I got Amity but her and I both know how ridiculous that would sound. The truth was going to break us though and I couldn't bare to say it aloud. The tension was turning my muscles to stone and I could feel my fingernails cutting into my palms. When I remained silent, unsure if I was even capable of speech currently, she turned and raked her arms across the table causing all of her china to shatter on the floor. I felt myself gasp as she threw her wineglass at me. I ducked just in time and heard it shatter against the wall behind me. This was something I never understood. Why destroy your own things in anger. Who benefits from that?

“ **You're going to leave me alone just like Lucien! You ungrateful little leech!** ”

Lucien. His name hadn't been uttered in this house since this day 4 years ago. The day of his own aptitude test. My brother Lucien was quiet, reserved, yet kind and peaceful enough to fit in Amity just fine. That's why the day of his choosing ceremony shook the whole Amity community so deeply. They didn't see it coming. Lucien transferred to Erudite and never looked back. He was the only transfer that year. 

She became reclusive right around then her public appearances lessened to only showing up to get me when I was in trouble. Her displays during those moments became more and more rehearsed, my view of her had widened, I now knew the ugliest parts of her. Unlike then I could see the act. She furthered her own isolation until the community seemed to forget she even existed. My mother's general irritability multiplied 100 fold every time she was forced to interact with anyone because of me. Eventually the community started relying on me to hear about her.Some younger Amity kids that weren't in school yet had never even seen her. They made up tales about what she looked like. Sometimes I caught the kids trying to peek into the windows to catch a glimpse of her. They wondered if she was disfigured or else ugly. They imagined all sorts of wild things about her and for the most part I let them believe what they wanted. It amused me as much as it did them. 

Working is required here so she took on a night shift weeding the fields at a time when she wouldn't be in the way of the pickers. It also kept her out of the hot sun and protected her from running into virtually anyone. Work, home with me, work again. No variations just that routine for the past 4 years. Never once since Lucien left has she even mentioned him. 

The day of his choosing I came home from school to find every trace of my brother removed from the house. No photos, no clothing. The furniture from his room wasn't even in the house. I was afraid then. I didn't understand why he wasn't home. I only asked her about him once and her response was so harsh and full of venom I knew never to ask again. She hadn't ever spoken like that in front of me before. 

' _ your brother is dead to me. I don't want to hear his name ever again. Any son who can reject his mother is a souless husk of a man. If you so much as think his name in my presence again you'll see just how deep I can bury you.'  _

So now I stand here with my mouth hanging open and I loose the temper that I held so closely this entire time. There is nothing now except letting go. Keeping my voice even was key in this game.  

"I think it's sort of hilarious. I got Dauntless as a result mom. Dauntless. That's the brave faction isn't it? Yet here I am looking at you and I'm not brave enough to slap that mouth right off your face. You disowned my brother. You defiled his name. You **destroyed** his belongings , my **memories** and now you think you have the right to say his name. **Fuck** **you!** "

The look on her face nearly broke my resolve. The anger was there of course but underneath that was pain. I don't enjoy seeing her pain, no matter how much I hate her. Before she has the chance to act I turn and run from the house. She won't follow me. So I go to the only place I can. My cabin in the woods. 


	3. What Choice Is There?

When I wake up my entire body is stiff and aching. I hoist myself up to standing and try to knock some of the dirt loose from yesterday's clothes. I didn't expect to sleep well on the floor without a blanket but despite the conditions I passed right out and slept through the night more soundly than I usually sleep in my own bed. I can tell that I haven't moved all night because I can feel the impression of the wooden floor boards pressed into my cheek. My stomach rumbles angrily against my abdomen, my finger tips and toes have gone numb in the early morning dew and my teeth feel scummy  but there is nothing I can do to solve those things now. 

The choosing ceremony is a very special day, kids where their nicest clothes and cut their hair to look presentable for the ceremony hosted by one of the 5 factions. This year's presentation is being conducted by Amity. When I glance out of the doorway I can guess based on the sun's position in the sky that it is nearly 7 am. That gives me an hour to walk to the ceremony. That will likely be just enough time. I know that I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb. My long  red hair is tangled against the nape of my neck  and my light sprinkling of  freckles over my nose must be nearly lost underneath the smears of dust and grime. My fingernails are already short and mangled from my habit of chewing them but today they are also caked in mud. Last night I dug a hole to serve as a restroom but without the proper tools I was forced to do it with my hands. When I fled yesterday I did not grab my shoes and now my dirt covered bare feet are going to have to walk two miles through the city up onto a nicely polished stage. I grab my destroyed punching bag and rip off a few strips of dingy wool to wrap around my feet and hands..If I climb the buildings and travel roof to roof the chances of walking on broken glass are less. I still might end up with a nail in my foot but at least this way I’ll be trying to avoid it. 

The part of town I have to travel through has buildings rather close to each other and many of the roofs are connected by pipes or grates so as I stand at the bottom of the first, I try to remind myself that this will be the hardest part. I have climbed lots of trees back in Amity but in Amity the grass below the trees would cushion your fall, here there was just concrete.Climbing a tree was all about knowing which branches were strong enough. From the looks of it climbing a building was about not climbing yourself into a corner where there was no where to go but back down. I try to plan out a logical path from the ground hoping beyond hope that this was really worth it to avoid glass in my feet. Part of me knows that I fear being mistaken for factionless walking among them in the streets. Avoiding that interaction seems cowardly though so I instead set my mind on the possibility of protecting my bare feet and remind myself that I am infact dressed in Amity colors.

I suck in a deep breath and climb up onto the first floor windowsill in front of me. I try to maintain my momentum and throw my arm up to the out jutting windowsill of the floor above me. I get a decent grip with both hands and use the molding between the floors to hold my feet. I continue upwards until I reach the fourth floor. Now as I look upward I see there is about 3 feet of nothingness before a ledge that extends out over my head. My palms have started to sweat underneath the fabric strips and my breathing is labored. My biceps shake with the effort of holding my body's weight as I grip my hands underneath the window's top edge and bring my feet up to be on either side of my hands. I look up again trying to get a good gauge on just how far this final jump will be. I only get one chance and really at this point dieing doesn't seem like the worst outcome for today. Before I can psych myself out I push off with my feet and throw my hands out as far as they will go. I am suspended in the air for one monumental second before I grasp onto the ledge of the building with all my strength. My feet swing backward from the force of my jump and nearly cause me to loose the tentative hold I have. I wrap my arm up over the top of the building and pull my knee up along side it. I roll my body over and land on the cement with my face to the sky.

Now lying there I can't help but grin like an idiot. I did it. My limbs are shaking with relief, my heart is pumping hard against my ribs but I've never felt so alive. When I stand I allow myself a moment just to gaze over the city from above. This is not the tallest building but it is high enough and the view is incredible. I don't have time to enjoy it long though. I know how close I’ll be cutting it as it is. I begin a soft jog to the other side of the roof and look on towards my destination. I can travel from roof to roof from here. This roof has grating connecting it to the next, the building after that has a single pipe. As I pass over each ally on my way I keep my eyes peeled for the factionless. It seems that even they aren't outside today. If not for the choosing ceremony these streets would be bustling at this hour. Alone in my travels my steps grow more confident. I start to lose the fear of falling. I can't tell how much time is passing but I’ve covered 3/4ths of the distance and I am only gaining speed. The choosing ceremony has begun I can hear the loud speaker call everyone to their seats as I descended the fire escape on the last building. Just 2 blocks and I'll  be there. 

I run at full speed after I hit solid ground. I am  unable to ignore how deadly silent the streets are with nothing but the echoes of my bare feet slapping against the cold unforgiving cement. It only reminds me that I'm late. This whole mornings adrenaline is pressing down on me with incredible urgency. The balls of my feet ache and my skin feels raw on both feet. I try not to think of the pain as I slow my pace down to a walk for the last 100 yards. Instead I start a mantra to occupy my mind.  Something they teach you in Amity to maintain inner peace. Ironically my mantra goes Dauntless. Dauntless. Dauntless. I let that word give me strength as I try to hold my shoulders back and keep my head high. I imagine the strength i desire pumping through my blood and spreading throughout my body until I’m made of stone and my mind is glowing from behind my eyes. There is a Dauntless man outside the door and his eyes widen as he spots me walking towards the door. He has a gun casually leaning against his leg and he almost absently leans it towards the wall so he can step closer to me. I scold him in my mind for his carelessness with a weapon.

“Miss are you okay?”

I cut off his words with the wave of my hand. I am aware that I look like a mess, it only seems right since I feel like one. 

“Find me tomorrow at Dauntless and ask me then.” 

As my words hang between us the worry in his brows flattens and a smirk lifts one side of his mouth. I notice his eyes observing my dingy amity clothes with humor. He doesn't say anything but he gives me a curt nod and opens the door for me to enter. 

When my eyes adjust to the light change I realize I am in the very back of the auditorium and everyone else is seated as per the announcement nearly 5 minutes ago. There is an empty chair where I am meant to be seated with them. As I look at its cold metal frame I can almost see the ghost of myself sitting there. She is adorned in flowers. They are around her neck, on her wrists but most importantly in a halo around her head. She wears one of the dresses my mother loves so much, her hair is softly curling against the back of the seat. She is proper and smiling, greeting everyone warmly. As I glance down at myself I realize why that ghost scares me so much. She existed once. She  _ was _ real... but not now. That isn't me, I’m not her. No. I'm scratched and bloodied and dirty. I'm ruined and broken. I'm no Amity but I was once. 

I decide right away that it will be better to stay standing back here. I don't want to draw even more attention to myself by clambering over people to the middle of the row. As of right now no one seems to have even noticed my arrival. I have an eye on everyone around the room though none are looking at me, that would require them to turn away from the stage where Johanna is already walking. This vantage point gives me control and freedom and I like that. I learn by the door and listen as the leader of Amity began the sermon of our government.  She describes the need for the factions and the perfection of their instalment. It is almost a worship and it is designed to make us feel important today. I can't help but grow irritated as her words settle around me.

_ “The faction you belong in.”  _

_ “Be as useful as you can be to your faction.” _

_ “The systems success relies on your choice here today.” _

_ “We are only as great as our compromises” _

It is all Lies  _ I  _ don't  _ belong _ in any faction. The way that Tori made it sound being divergent is unusual. If that is true then none of these other kids have a choice no matter how long we have been told otherwise.They all had that choice made for them in the simulation. The only people who get to choose for themselves are the people like me, If there are any. I let my head fall loosely towards my chest as I try to unclench my fists that have grown stiff from the pressure. Today is the day I have been waiting for and it is starting off nothing like what it was supposed to be. I’m not happy. This doesn't feel like freedom. 

Before I’ve gotten my breathing evened out or my mantra back in repetition I hear her calling the first name. A boy I saw a few times in school though I hadn't known his name. Joseph Adler. Erudite. He choose his home faction. I continue watching from the far back as the first two rows are called individually to make their ‘choice’. As they begin on the third row my stomach drops. They will be calling me soon. 

When I hear my name I almost forget how to move. I see the students with chairs on either side of my assigned seat shrugging towards the stage. Just as Johanna begins to announce my apparent absence, something that she doesn't seem capable of understanding judging by the look on her face, I shout out to her from the aile.

“I’m coming hold on.” 

The room bursts into murmurs as people begin turning in their seats to see the source of my voice. I hold my chin high and I try to refuse the shake in my knees as I approach the large ornate stage.  I nearly miss the first step but I don't let it slow me. From the back I had not been able to see the 5 faction bowls. Now though I see the different bowls on the center of the stage. My eye shoot to the hot burning coals of Dauntless, not even bothering to look at the others. I have my goal. It is right here in front of my finally. The moment I have been thinking about every night lying awake for the past 5 years. 

It is only now that I make eye contact with Johanan. Her eyes are wide and her hand is hovering lightly by her throat. She looks as if she is about to say something or else grab a hold of me and pull me into her chest but she doesn't do either. Instead she just stares as my steps slow in front of her. This is the part where the dependant shakes hands with the host and takes the ceremonial knife with their name written on it. Johanna hasn't moved yet so I stick my hand out in invitation. I refuse to look into the crowd I don't want to see what they think of me. I don't want to know if my mother is here. Johanna grabs my hand in both of hers and pulls me closer to her while she fakes a hand shake.

“Yuna are you okay?”

Her whisper is harsh and urgent in contrast to her warm soft grasp. 

“Johanan, don't let her drink”

Confusion flashed in her eyes before recognition dawned in its place. I leave her while she is still processing my request her hesitation prolonging my stay on this god forsaken stage. I take the knife she neglected to hand me and walk to center stage with the bowls between me and the audience. Now I resign myself to the attention of everyone I’ve ever met and look out into the audience. First my eyes land on the empty seat I was meant to be in wandering back towards the parents section to see that my mother's seat is just as noticeably empty as mine. That's not going to help me avoid the questions that are sure to be asked of me. I avoid making eye contact with any of those familiar faces. I’m leaving them all behind why not start now. So I scan over the crowd to Dauntless where I see a mass of dark colored clothing. The people there are all covered in tattoos with shining metal bars and hoops through their noses and ears. they look fearless but every face is pointed at me with plain unashamed curiosity. Other factions may have tried to hide it but not Dauntless. Dauntless is not shy. Some  of the people are softly talking to each other but I don't want to think about what they are saying. There is no time for fear every ounce of my body wants off of this stage and to begin my new life. I approach the coals and lift my hand high above them. Something comes over me in this moment and as I slide the sharp glistening blade over my palm I let out a loud howl that completely drowns out the sound of my blood sizzling on the coals. 

The sea of Dauntless that I continue to gaze on jumps to their feet stomping and cheering as I defect from Amity. I am the first of my class to defect and if it weren't for all the other strange things about my choosing this fact alone would be enough to start an uproar from Dauntless. Now though I see the pride in their eyes. They aren't ashamed of the rags tied around my hands and feet they aren't afraid of the mess and the dirt they are Dauntless and now I am too. 


	4. Free Fallers

The rest of the ceremony feels strange. I sit as far away from the rest of Dauntless as I can though that space is only a single row of empty chairs. I’m picking at the mud under my nails and refusing to make eye contact with anyone until I have too. I’m not ready to answer any questions or make up any lies. After my larger than life disturbance the crowd seems restless and fidgety which is only worsened when there is an unusually large amount of defectors. I can't help but wonder if part of the reason for that is me. It's like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall.

There is always an increase in defectors after the ice gets broken the first time. After one kid has the courage to do it a handful more will follow but this year there were 60 transfers and as far back as I can remember there was only one other year with so many. The year Tobias Eaton left abnegation for Dauntless there were 43 transfers. That was 4 years ago the year after my brother left me alone with our mother. I had not ever been so interested in the ceremony as I was that year. I knew my mother wouldn't tell me anything about it and I had been in school for my brothers ceremony. So when I was supposed to be studying in the library I snuck out and made me way over to watch.  I wanted to know where my brother went, I had heard people say Erudite back at Amity but I didn't understand how or why. I crept through a side door and ended up watching the ceremony from behind the stage. I had found a dark corner where there was a podium not in use. So I crawled inside of it and stuck to the shadows as I watched each kid slice their hand and make their choice. At first it scared me but soon enough I was fascinated with it. 

When Tobias was called to the stage I saw something in his eyes. He looked much too old for such a young frail body. He had bags under his eyes and walked stiffly as if he was in pain. His loose Abnegation gray clothes were unmistakable and he was gnawing on his lip like he would chew through it. I watched how that heaviness I saw in him began to lift the moment his hand touched the blade’s course hilt. I knew then before he had made his choice that he was leaving Abnegation but I hadn't considered he would choose Dauntless. No One ever transfers from Abnegation to Dauntless their cultures are just so vastly different the adjustment seems impossible. I didn't know then that it was uncommon but I could see why it would be. I assumed for myself that he would choose my faction, maybe I just wanted him too.This was the same year that I had begun training myself to leave Amity and when I heard his blood sizzling on the coals my breath caught in my throat. Seeing him take the very same leap I was dreaming of was all the inspiration I needed to kick up my training a few notches. Later that day I found the cabin. 

As the ceremony comes to a close and the sea of Dauntless in front of me jumps to their feet my thoughts are still with Tobias. He lead me here though he doesn't know it, just like they are leading me now. I can barely make out the closing words under the sound of Dauntless’s thunderous stomps and cheers. My mind keeps drifting back, I was a child then hiding some place I shouldn't have been, it doesn't seem so different than what's happening now. It has been so many years and yet I can still remember the warm soft color of his eyes. I force myself to focus on the here and now this is the beginning of initiation and every moment is important. I am at the back of the group which seemed good during the ceremony but isn't so great now. I have to forcibly slow my jog to keep from running into the people in front of me. I notice, since I have to wait for the group to move forward, that in front of the stage is a small table stacked with handbooks for every faction. No One seems to want one, or I suppose No One but the Erudite since that pile is smallest. I quickly survey those around me and see that most everyone is headed out of the other side of the building, they are all facing away from me. With one glance to the Dauntless headed the other way I take my chance and hastily snatch the Dauntless handbook, shoving it into the waistband of my grimey yellow jeans before turning back to my new faction. I’m not sure why I feel the need to be secretive but I know what only Tori and myself are in on. That I have an aptitude for Erudite too and I shouldn't. If I'm going to blend in at Dauntless I can't let people catch me reading for the fun of it. Even if it  _ is  _ about Dauntless. As I move on I can finally jog at a comfortable speed with the space my pause created between me and the other transfers. I do a headcount from the back there are 4 Candor, 6 Erudite and 3 other Amity. I do not know any of the Amity kids thankfully.

The Dauntless have begun to run out of the front of the building passed a guard like the one from earlier and down the stairs towards the train tracks. This was the opposite side from where I entered the building and the opposite side from everyone else's exit. It is just Dauntless out here and I feel a smile starting to tug on my cheeks. As the transfers at the back of the group burst through the doors together the sun hits me in the eyes like the fiery coals on stage. I don't really have to try to keep up even with sun blindness. I have been running further and further distances without getting winded, I can see that is not the case even for some of the Dauntless born. Before long I’m at the head of the group looking up at the raised train platform with 3 Dauntless borns beside me. As the others began to pool behind us one dark haired boy speaks.

“Nice run but can you do this?”

He flashes me a bright smile before he jumps up and grabs a metal beam above his head. I watch closely trying to remember the steps he takes to reach the top. In 12 seconds flat he has climbed up the platform using nothing but his upper body strength as his legs dangle loosely beneath him. From the top of the platform his head comes into view and he yells to me again

“Come on Amity, no feet, let's see it.”

I sigh as I look at the beams in front of me. Again I retrace with my eyes the same path he just took. I know I have decent upper body strength but I wouldn't assume I can do this even on a good day. After free climbing that first building today, I can feel the fire burning in my biceps and I know this is going to hurt but I have been challenged in front of everyone and I can't just back down without a fight. This is Dauntless, this is what they do. I crack my neck before leaping and grabbing the beam above my head. The key is to move fast. Just like he did, your muscles have less time to get tired and using your body's momentum helps you to make larger leaps. 

Now that I’m moving on the beams my mind feels clear. I can do this,it's just like the monkey bars. Step one grab the first beam above the ground. Step two swing your lower body and grab the beam two feet forward and one foot up. Step three swing around the outside of the beam and grab the diagonal support, slide your hands up and repeat on the other side. Now this is the hardest part. Three vertical jumps in a row. I remind myself multiple times not to use my feet. It would be so much easier but I know once I do that I’ve lost. There are three bars I need to grab before I’ll reach the top, just three. I pull myself up so my chin is at height with the bar I’m holding and with one hand reach for the next bar up trying to lift my shoulder with it as high as I can. I just barely get a hold of it and now have to push off with the other hand as hard as I can so that I can throw my arm up even higher to the third bar. I feel my body swaying back and forth with the efforts. There is sweat on my hair line and I’m clenching my teeth but I’m almost there. Holding onto the last bar my arms are shaking and the blood pumping through them feels like lava but I pull my body's weight up and hook my elbows over the ledge. 

As soon as my elbow touches there are hands hooked under my armpits. The boy who had challenged me hoists me up onto the platform with ease, as if I weigh nothing. I push my hair back from my eyes once I am on my feet again. The pony tail in my hair had begun to fall out in my jog, it was holding half of my hair back at this point. 

“I could.. have .. made it up” 

I say between heaving breaths.

“You did. Next time don't hold your breath when you pull up, your muscles need the oxygen. Instead exhale on the pull up and inhale in between.”

The boy answered me with a smile. I quickly logged that in my mind for the future. I’ll take any advice I can get and this kid clearly knows what he is doing. 

“What's your name?”

I ask him now that my breathing has evened out and other people have made their way up to the platform sometimes reaching the top in groups of two or three. His answer is one I’m not prepared for.

“I haven’t decided yet.” 

I look at him curiously but somehow I already know he won't explain if I asked. I hear the tracks rumbling and glance over my shoulder to see a train hurtling towards us at a speed that seems much faster up close than it did from the window just yesterday. 

“You better start running Amity”

The boy sprints forward just as the train reaches the platform and my loose strands of hair are tousling around my face from the wind of its speed. I ignore the tickling feeling and follow after him matching his speed step for step. He grabs a hold of the open train car door with one hand and throws his feet inside. My heart pumps frantically but I refuse to be afraid. I don't have time to be. I inhale and leap. when my hand clutches rough textured metal I exhale and try to swing my legs into the car the way I saw him do but the wind of the car's movement pushes me back against the side of the train. I hadn't been expecting it so when my chest collides with the door frame all remaining air is pushed from my lungs. I only have one hand holding me onto a train that is speeding away from the platform, in just a moment the train car I’m holding on to will have passed it completely and my fall will be broken by the ground much farther below. I force my lungs to expand though it is very difficult with the wind hitting my face and I reach my other arm into the car to secure my grip. My feet scramble but one of them finds its way to the solid floor of the train car and with two limbs in the car I finally push off of the handle and let my body fall to the ground. 

Laying flat on my back with my chest heaving I feel amazing, I spread my arms out like I’m making a snow angel and let my sore biceps stretch out. I just jumped onto a moving train and lived. I begin laughing much harder than I can ever remember laughing. I sit up with my eyes glued to the door on the other side of the car, small giggles still escaping me. I see that the boy I followed is looking out the door on the other side. His silhouette casually leaning in the door frame as if train jumping was as boring as that ceremony we just left. He looks over his shoulder at the sound of my laughter and winks. The train car we are in isn't as empty as I originally thought. I realize there are 3 more people in here, they must have been here before either of us. They all sit against the back wall looking at me with caution and interest. There were 14 of us transfers and at least 12 Dauntless born on that platform so where were they all now? I stand and find that the jostling of the train makes moving hard. I stumble once and catch myself on the wall feeling embarrassed that those 3 mysterious people saw me show any form of weakness. My gut says I’m not meant to be on this car. I reach the door I came in through and hold onto the edge so I can lean around and look at the train cars behind me. I see that three cars back there are many colored shirts near the door and that a small figure on the platform dressed in blue is fading from sight fast. 

My joy from before drops to fear. He has failed initiation. Somehow I hadn't realized as I hung from the train car door that this was make or break. I had been focused on getting into the car, not what would happen if I didn't. Though I obviously saw that it was a deadly game I hadn't taken failure seriously. Now though it sinks in that every step from here on out is going to be a step towards Dauntless and if I trip it's factionlessness or death. The fear I’m feeling starts to fade. This is why I’m here. This is what I want. There can be no failure. I connect the dots now, the young people I’ve been noticing with the factionless. The ones that I couldn't place before. They had failed Dauntless initiation or perhaps chosen factionlessness over risking their lives. My stomach clenches. If they failed, if they chose it, either way the aren't Dauntless, but I am. 

I turn back towards the inside of the train car and shout to the boy across the way. 

“Are we supposed to be in the car the other initiates are in?”

He leans his shoulders back, one against the train car wall the other touching nothing but the sky. He gestures for me to come towards him so I do without hesitation and find that my walk across the car is more stable than my last attempt though my balance still feels off and I quickly hold onto the train car wall when it's within reach. At his side I can see out beyond the train cars to an approaching city.The track must have been on an incline or else the track stayed level as the ground got further away. We are much higher up now than we were when we climbed the platform. He points to a building almost level with the track. 

“You see that roof top? We have to jump onto that. The car back there is going to figure that out when we do it since I don't expect any of the Dauntless born are sharing that little bit of information.”

“What about after once we are on the roof?”

“That is something they wouldn't even tell  _ us _ .” 

The boy glances at the three men in the back of the train car as he says it. I know for sure now that these men are our instructors. Here to guide us the rest of the way. I nod my head at the boy with as much confidence as I can muster. How could jumping off be any worse than jumping on? My arm didn't get ripped off so I'm sure this train is going at a speed a Dauntless would call safe. Right as that thought goes through my mind the train begins to slow and I feel some of my tense muscles relax just a bit. This just got a little bit easier. 

“As soon as the corner of the roof hits the middle of the door frame I’m going to jump. You will count to two and follow me. The landing is the hardest part, It comes with practice. For now just try to keep your knees loose and let the impact move through you. If you lock up your legs or push down with your feet to try and counteract it you will hurt yourself. You just have to let it go. If you don't wipe out completely consider it a success.”

“Don’t you mean if you make it onto the roof consider it a success?”

My joke surprises him and he pauses for a moment before answering.

“Raise your standards Amity you can do better than making it onto the roof.”

Just as the words left his mouth he leaps from the car door my heart jumps out of my chest as I count.

**_1…_ **

**_2…_ **

I throw my body forward trying to keep my feet underneath me and my body loose. As my body clears the gap to the roof I’m reminded of my other free jump this morning when I had to grab the roofs ledge before the ceremony. This time I am enjoying it much more as I am suspended in the air completely weightless I feel almost like I’m flying. I notice too late that my upper body has started to lean back and that my feet are no longer going to be the part to make impact. I try to correct myself and end up with one leg fully extended while the other is pulled back so that my knee nearly touches my chest. when I touch ground my whole body is above my legs but only barely. The impact is lessened as I slide forward across the surface. My feet push gravel every direction and I slow myself with my rag wrapped hands. I noticed that the cut I made early has cracked open and is bleeding new fresh blood over the dirty dried mess from before but I ignore it squeezing my hand tightly to keep my mind focused on the now. 

I hear three soft thuds as the men from the train car follow me out. All three of them land on their feet like agile cats and walk right passed me without so much as glancing at me. I lean back on my elbows and watch them approach the far side of the building. They looks so strong. The boy is about 20 feet to my right  much closer to the building's edge and looking my way with a smirk. I wave my bloodied hand briefly before standing up to brush the gravel from my clothes as if it matters with the level of destruction they have reached. I ripped the side seam of my jeans from knee down when I landed so now the fabric hangs loosely around my calf. The car full of other Initiates reaches the roof and they all begin leaping out. Some more gracefully than others. A few hit each other while still in the air and tumble into the gravel together laughing at the relief of making it this far. A majority of the Dauntless born just end up scraping their forearms and knees into the roof when they land. My eyes are on an Amity girl as she lands rather hard on the rocks when I hear the high pitched shriek of someone missing the roof. My head snaps towards the train to see a transfer, another Erudite, looking down from the car door with horror. Just then the car passes the roof completely and he has become factionless.  I approach the roofs edge and see the tiny speck that must be the shattered body of a Candor girl dressed all in white and red. Blood red. It must be 80 stories down from here there's nothing left of her but mush. My stomach turns and my eyes feel the pricks of angry tears.  

There's no time to cry for strangers. I made it. I’m alive and I owe that to the nameless boy. The Dauntless born who guided me this far. I turn around and begin to search the crowd forming by the instructors. I’ll find him and keep him by my side. So far it's been a good idea. As soon as I see him and cut through the crowd nearly to the front two of the instructors climb onto the building's ledge like they hadn't just seen someone fall to their death.  

“Listen up initiates!” 

The younger of the two men calls for our attention and I notice him truly for the first time. The skin between his tattoos is pale and his eyes are piercingly blue. His features are sharp and strong just like his arms and broad chest imply. He is wearing a dark gray vest over a sleeveless black shirt. It looks like he may have ripped the sleeves off himself with the frayed edges and loose strings. He has a dark tattoo creeping out of his shirt collar along his neck and he has many facial piercings, more than I have time to count as he begins addressing us again.

“I'm Eric one of your leaders. If you want to be Dauntless this is the way in.”

Eric gestures to the air behind him with a wicked smirk on his lips. He seems so young to be a leader. The people around me murmur uncomfortably to each other and I look to the boy beside me for his reaction. He said on the train that he didn't know what was next but jumping from the roof hardly seems a surprising conclusion. What else were we going to do up here? We had to get down somehow. He is looking straight ahead and all the cockiness he has shown up until now is gone. I can't help but feel disappointed. When I look forward again Eric has become impatient. The older dark skinned man beside him whispers something to him and he nods once. 

“Come on who wants to go first. If you're afraid to jump you dont belong here.”

A voice cuts through the crowd, a Candor boy who looks livid is speaking.

“We just saw Lucy die from that fall and you want us to jump?”

My heart tears just a bit for this boy, he knew her name, she was Candor too. They must have been friends but even if that's true he is blinded by his pain. There would be no point killing all of the initiates. There must be something to break our fall at the bottom. To save him from what I'm sure would be a hell of a lecture from Eric I being walking forward. Eric looks as if he is about to chew this kids head off but my movements stop him in his tracks as he observes me for the second time. First on the train he seemed curious now he seems interested. I can work with that. 

I step up onto the ledge between the two men. I can see now that my estimation from before was wrong. This had to be 100 stories. The wind up here is whipping my already matted ponytail all around me and tilting me slightly off balance. The Ledge of the roof is cold under my bare sore feet and the Dauntless handbook is digging into my skin where it rests still tucked under my shirt securely.  I take a deep breath as my eyes focus on the dark pit below me. I cannot see what's down there. It almost seems to be swirling downward like an abyss that will swallow me whole. I turn my face to meet Eric's questioning eyes noticing now that he is taller than me by at least 2 inches. His large dark pupils mirror the pit I’m about to surrender to and they capture me just as firmly. I can smell his cologne and I try to let that comfort me as I face this task. I want to be fearless but I’m starting to see that fearlessness is acting despite fear. He asks me without words

_ “How strong can you become?” _

I answer him the only way I can. With my eyes still locked on his I spread my arms and fall backwards. I see his figure shrinking as I float freely. The wind is whipping my shirt all around me and my vision is completely blocked out. My hair has finally broken loose from its restraints. With nothing holding it back it takes full advantage of its new freedom and pelts my soft face skin with rough sharp tendrils. The feeling of free falling is becoming my new favorite thing. This experience tops both the others from today and I let out a high pitched wolf howl as I pull my arms and legs inward to keep from hitting the edges of the pit. When my back makes contact with something hard my whole body tenses. Before I can panic I feel the give of the net as it absorbs the force of my fall and I’m propelled back into the air by its stretchy forgiving web. I giggle to myself as my body settles into the center of the net. I’m still looking towards the sky when a tiny black dot appears above me. Another jumper. Suddenly the net pulls to one side and I’m rolling away from the opening I came through. Warm tan hands grab ahold of me and I’m unsure which direction I’m facing or where the ground is. When my feet touch the floor I almost jump up and recoil. It's absolutely freezing on my bare skin but the hands that still hold my shoulders keep me in place.  

“What's your name first jumper? Choose wisely this is your only chance.”

So that's what the boy meant. We get to have new Dauntless Identities. When I get my hair pushed away from my eyes my heart nearly stops. The hands gripping my shoulders are attached to Tobias Eaton. I don't even register the question anymore or consider my answer in anyway. Instead his name falls softly off my tongue in awe.

“Tobias…”

His face tenses in pain and he quickly slaps a hand over my mouth. My eyes bulged in surprise and before I can bite his fingers he is whispering harshly in my ear

“I don't know how you know that name but you won't ever speak it again.”

My blood runs cold and I gasp for air as his hands leave me completely. I finally realize I needed to give him my name when I gave him his but he doesn't seem to care about my answer now. He has turned towards a group of waiting onlookers and yells an answer for me.

**“First jumper Phoenix.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Id really love more specific feedback. Tell me what you guys like and what you don't like so I can make this story the best I can for you guys!
> 
> Lets see how Yuna will do with initiation!


	5. The Boy Who Chose

"First jumper, Phoenix!"

I’m staring at the back of his head so when he turns around to look at me I’m taken aback by the hate in his eyes. He looks at me now with excessive scrutiny, undoubtedly trying to see if he recognizes me. He scans over my tattered clothes and matted hair. His eyes linger on the rags around my feet for a moment before he finally speaks. He spits his words at me as if he despised the taste of them.

“What happened  _ Pheonix _ ? Train drag you?” 

He throws the name he gave me in my face and It occurs to me that I will have to respond to that name now. My name isn't Yuna anymore, No One here will call me it. The idea thrills me and I think I might understand what it is Tobias hates about the name I know him by. The way he uses it only reminds me who is in charge here. I've spent so long trying to disappear I've never wanted power or control but my face gets hot with anger none the less and the longer I think the more I resent his authority over me right now. He and I both know I look like hell but he implied I’d be weak enough to get drug by the train. I may have hung outside the door a little longer than I wanted but I think it went pretty damn well and I don't want his doubts in my mind confirming any of mine. I wanted him to know I was strong enough to make it at Dauntless . I wanted everyone to know. It was going to happen eventually though someone was going to acknowledge the mess I am and ask what excuse I had for my appearance. I can't help but hate that it was him though.

I hadn't really considered what I’d say to him, when I’d inevitably find him. I had never considered much at all other than the vague idea that he would also be at Dauntless. I'd only really been worried about making it past the next stage, the most immediate threat. I just wasn't prepared to talk to him yet. I let out a long sigh and I pop my hip out preparing for the quickest recap I can muster. 

“Look  _ man _ , I needed to leave my house. Apparently a night sooner than whats typical for a minor's departure. I slept in the woods, I scaled a building, ran two miles over pipes and grates in my bare feet, lived through the single most boring ceremony of my life which was probably the hardest part, jumped onto a moving train, jumped  _ off _ of a moving train, then jumped 100 stories into a net, You're down here living in a god damn cave and you expect  _ me _ to look like all that and a bag of chips?” 

I gesture to the underground cavern we are standing in as I finish speaking. My feet have become numb and the chill is spreading upward from there. I can tell we are underground just from the temperature change. The sweat on my body had still been damp when exposed to this cold and because of that I was positively freezing. I wouldn't say that though. No. Never admit weakness, deny it even as you shiver.  I'm watching his face waiting for his reaction. His features are stern and his shoulders are squared back really displaying  how much he has changed since the last time I saw him. He almost seems taller or maybe I just remember the slightness of his posture back then. When he growls out a reply my gut clenches at the contrast of the man in front of me and the boy in my mind. 

“Watch your mouth initiate. It’s smarter than you and it’s going to get you into trouble. Now go stand over there, keep your mouth shut and try not to get dirt all over everything.”

For the first time today I feel personally threatened. He is intimidating and much stronger than me. His voice alone makes me want to turn and run as fast as I can. Thats is exactly what makes me so mad, being afraid. I’m screaming in the back of my head about where he can shove his advice but I literally bite back my answer nearly making the inside of my cheek bleed in the process. I have too much self preservation to challenge him again. I can't be kicked out before initiation even starts. I try to remind myself that the boy who chose is in there and that helps me see the softness that remains in his eyes even in his anger, and that's when I notice how despite all the other changes his eyes are exactly the same. This wasn't what I wanted our first meeting to be like. Even after this, the symbol I’ve made of his example means so much to me I need to control my temper, at least a little.  I hold my stance in front of him for one more long moment letting him feel the heat in my stare saying everything I’m thinking without uttering a word and as his eyes stay locked with mine I know he understands there is going to be a conversation eventually. He’ll come looking for answers but now is not the time. His attitude may be awful but He is still the young strong Tobias I saw all those years ago, at least  to me, I just need to hold onto that thought to save my own skin. I walk over to the area he had pointed out where there were 3 other Dauntless members and a chalkboard. 

“Hey first jumper! Congratulations, you know it's going to be a good year when the first jumper is a transfer. I'm Uriah by the way.”

He extends his hand for me to shake and my first instinct is to hug him. That's just Amity bubbling to the surface. My body has already begun moving forward on its own accord, preparing to embrace him when all of my muscles freeze in place. I just look at his outstretched hand remembering what Tobias said about not making a mess. It's probably not normal to hug strangers here either and if I want to be dauntless I need to start shaking off the Amity I still wear in my every movement. After an awkward moment he let's it drop between us and mumbles 

“Okay..”

I realize how little I had communicated despite all of the thinking I did and quickly try to recover. I needed to make more alliances and less enemies if this was going to be my new faction. This whole day had been giving me mental fatigue. The discomfort my body was in and the growl of my stomach were beginning to take over my every thought. 

“Sorry I just promised LunkHead McDreamyEyes over there that I wouldn't get dirt all over everything. I'm sure that includes you” 

My voice sounds too high and bubbly to my own ears even though I’ve been told its low and gravely to others ears. Amity again. I cringe inwardly. I prop my hands up behind my head lacing the fingers there so that I can avoid any more offers for a handshake as casually as possible. Maybe I can retain some of what Amity taught me. I can play it cool. Amity attitudes are like a gentle breeze, that could be useful, maybe. I relax my arm muscles finally. All the climbing I've been doing is starting to throb it's presence into my mind yelling louder than the other muscles about their aches and pains. Uriah laughs wholeheartedly letting his entire body sway with it. I feel my chest ease a little at the sight.

“ I gotta say Phoenix you look like what the cat dragged in. I know that initiation has been getting tough but I didn't think it was getting that bad.” 

“He thought I got dragged by the train, you're calling me a dead rodent, I've clearly made a wise decision with this faction. At least I don't need to feel bad for pointing out how pathetic your facial hair is” 

I avoid calling Tobias by his name until I can figure out what he is going by these days. I roll my eyes over the warm man in front of me although maybe man isn't the right word for him. Uriah’s dark skin is peppered with scraggly long hairs in what appears to be completely random patches. It is surprising considering how thick his eyebrows are. It leads me to believe he's younger than he looks. Maybe 18 tops.  His full lips twitch towards a smile before he forces it back down. He tries to sound stern but he isn't fooling anyone. His voice doesn't carry half the weight or power that Tobias’s does. 

“Listen up initiate. I'm a Dauntless member you will show my beard respect!” 

Tobias yells from behind us as he helps my favorite fellow initiate from the net. 

“Second jumper Domino.” 

I smile over my shoulder at him tauntingly. I knew he'd follow me down. After he had lead me all that way I'd wished I could have seen his face when I jumped first. I’m being a showoff and I know it but I was getting such a thrill from Dauntless already and I just wanted more. It was invigorating to feel so strong and dareing. So different from the meekness in Amity that I grew so tired of. It had been so depressing to be surrounded by the passively content apple pickers. Im still looking over my shoulder when Uriah speaks again.

“Don't worry about Four. He is tough as nails but he's a sweety underneath it. You’ll see after initiation... if you make it”

He adds the last part after a short pause as if reminding me that this is just beginning. I know that though and the reminder only serves to coil my chest back up like a cold scaly snake.Domino does not seem offended  by my cocky stare he smiles back at me and shakes his head as he approaches tousling his messy dark hair into his eyes.  He visibly checks his shoulders when he comes to join us and the conversation starts flowing more naturally. As it turns out Domino already knows Uriah their brothers are friends. I hardly know either of them and yet I feel like I’m hanging out with old friends as we chatter away. I'm not great company with so little practise and I let Uriah and Domino do most of the talking but I get a strange amount of enjoyment just watching their banter volley back and forth between them.  I catch myself dissecting their words and try to remind myself that other people can't hear me thinking like an Erudite. I know that i need to be careful though if I slip up my divergence could be discovered. I cant help feeling like it's written on my forehead. The two other people who are still writing names on the chalkboard are called Angela and Magnus and they don't offer much to the conversation since they are listening for the rest of the jumpers names unlike Domino, Uriah and I. I just try to losse myself for now. Before it all starts moving forward again.

When all the initiates make it down to this cavern where the Dauntless live Eric and the two other leaders jump down to meet us. The older barrel chested man that had whispered to Eric before starts pacing in front of the group of us with his hands laced behind his back. His every move screams authority and I find myself hoping to avoid interacting with him too much. His outfit seems practical and he carries an assortment of weapons in his boots around his waist and across his chest. He looks like an assasin more than a diplomat and it gets me contemplating if he had ever used his weapons on the job.

“My name is Max I'm also one of your leaders like Eric here. If you have made it this far then welcome to Dauntless. You're going to be going through some rigorous training and testing and the people in charge of that will be Eric and Four.”

Max gestures to Eric beside him and Tobias off to the left leaning in a shadow by the wall. 

“Good luck, be  **_brave_ ** ” 

Those are Max’s final words and when he leaves us in the cavern the other Dauntless members go with him. I have no idea if I’ll be able to see Uriah again before initiation is over and I’m finding myself hoping I do, sooner rather than later. All that's left in here are the initiates, Eric and  _ Four  _  as Tobias apparently goes by. Before I have the chance to mock his name much more in my head a Candor does it for me.

“Psh, Four? Your name is a number?”

I tried not to laugh at the kid but Four was on him in a second and the kid didn't even have time to flinch. He lifts him up by the shirt collar and growls. The kid looks like he might just crap his pants and a snicker escaped me. 

“Something funny Garbage Girl?” 

Now Eric is in  _ my _ face leaning over me with dark humor in his cool composed features. The glowing light off his pale skin make his eyes look like icicles twinkling in the moonlight and I have to wait for my heart to crawl out of my throat before I can respond without my voice cracking. 

“Hilarious actually.” 

I surprise myself by saying. I’m trying not to play the game the way he wants. I want to throw him off his high horse but in a way that doesn't get me kicked out of Dauntless .He wants me to be scared, fear makes people malleable. I hate fear. I hate feeling small and weak. I don't want to feel it ever again. I can find a middle ground, I can speak when spoken too but say what I please when asked. That's a compromise I’ll fight for. I'm not a push over anymore. Yuna might have been but not Pheonix. I let myself like that name now,even if it wasn't my choice.  

“Care to share with the rest of the class?” 

This time it's Four who speaks since Eric looks angry enough to kill me on the spot. I can't tell if Four is trying to save my skin or if he is trying to feed the flame. Eric hasn't backed off even an inch and his proximity is making my heart pound in ways I have no control over. I can swear he hears it as he glares at me but I try to keep my composure as I follow orders. 

“Doesn't anyone else smell shit for brains?” 

I see Fours tough guy routine falter briefly before it's plastered back up. I’m willing to bet he thought that was funny. The kid still in his grasps makes an audible pout noise when he hears my words. There goes another bridge burned, I think to myself. I’m not off to a good start with this and Eric's breathing all my air.

“We already have a loud mouth Candor on our hands we don't need any funny Amites in this mix.”

“He asked.” 

I shrug. I can feel Eric's eyes scraping across my face at that remark. His scowl is heavy but I stay looking at Four as if I can't be bothered to notice. I feel his warm breath on my ear all of a sudden and almost gasp at the sensation. I couldn't Ignore that as easily. I flush with embarrassment at how small I just sounded.

“Be careful Amity you're not Dauntless yet”

Now I have no choice but to turn my face towards him again to reply. He’s so close that our noses almost touch and I know that there is an entire room full of people watching me right now. I can't think about that though I have to think about what to say to him. The truth obviously but how do I say it so that I can make my point without pushing this too far. My heart's still pounding and I'm beginning to think I like the heat coming off of his skin when I whisper back.

“I was born Dauntless Eric. You’ll figure that out soon enough.” 

All of the tension in the room is rolling around us and I’m afraid my legs will turn to jello at any moment. I’m I reading this wrong? Should I have backed down? I try not to doubt myself as Eric finally backs away and I can breath a little easier. I start my chant again to steady myself.  **_Dauntless.Dauntless. Dauntless_ ** . Eric and Four step aside and whisper aggressively at each other for a long moment before they turn to face us. It's Eric who finally takes the lead. His voice is so feral as it echoes off the walls and attacks us from every angle. That aggression is for me not everyone else and I can already feel the dislike of my peers. They are going to get growled at just as much as I am when I piss him off. I hadn't thought of that. stupid. I feel their glares and hear soft murmurs between them. I can only imagine what they think of me now. I twirl my hair around one of my fingers absently.

“Welcome to Dauntless.  _ You _ have chosen  _ us _ now  _ we _ get to choose  _ you _ . 

Over the next couple weeks you will all be learning just what it takes to make it here. The first stage is physical you'll be learning fight techniques and weapons training. You’ll be competing against each other for higher rankings. At the end of stage one the bottom two Initiates will be cut. Dauntless born and transfers will train separately but be ranked together. That means the cuts might be two transfers, two Dauntless, or one of each. I was under the impression that transfer numbers were high this year but it looks like they weren't headed here so that isn't our problem to deal with. 

Stage two is mental, all initiates will train together in this stage. You’ll learn what it is to be strong and that's where most of you are going to start to crack. Two more of you will be cut then. I expect that we will lose some of you before cuts even begin in both those stages.If you can't take it you can always leave to join the factionless. The last stage is emotional. You’ll find out what that means when the time comes.

After Stage three there will be no further cuts but the rankings will be weighted much more heavily with those results than either of the previous stages. Your ranking at the end determines your job opportunities if you fuck up the last stage you're going to end up with your thumb up your ass guarding the fences. Is that clear?”

As Eric is making his speech I slowly edge my way backwards until I’m at the very back of the group.The first problem I have to worry about is fighting, there's no point worrying about the heavier weighted stages right now when I haven't even gotten to them. If I don't pass stage one then it doesn't really matter what stages two and three are. I thank the forces of the universe that I’ve been practicing for stage one all along. I wasn't supposed to be and I didn't know it was part of initiation but it seemed logical and it might just save my ass. If I have to fight these people I better start scooping out my opponents. We already lost three people on the way here. Two Erudite and one Candor. There's an uncomfortable silence as Eric waits for someone to challenge him. 

It's easy to find the transfers in the sea of black clad Dauntless borns after our trip here there are more of them then there are of us. It surprises me that all three of the other Amity have made it this far. Maybe I’m being egotistical. Of the Amity there is a girl with a very small frame who couldn't be more than 5’4 and two lanky boys, they both look fairly fit so I’ll have to keep my eyes on them. If nothing else Amity teaches endurance so tiring them out won't be an option in a fight. For the Candor there is the loud mouthed Candor that knew the now deceased Lucy and another boy who looks so much like him they must be related maybe twins.They are all that remains of the Candor initiates. As for the Erudite there are four of them. A girl who is taller than the Amity girl but no stronger it would seem and three boys. The Erudite boys seem to be my biggest threat right now. They are bulkier and taller. One has blond hair and broad shoulders another is a redhead who is doughy but big enough to be an obstacle in a fight and a third who is lingering in the back of the group just like I am. He is probably the strongest looking but just lean enough not to be slow and his coppery brown hair hangs down to his shoulders. Uncharacteristic for an Erudite but then again, he isn't one anymore. 

My eyes find their way to the front again only to realize that Eric is looking right at me. He has a curious facial expression that doesn't leave me any hints to what he is thinking about. This time Four speaks. Eric looks away but not before baring his teeth at me in a way that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up with fear and excitement. No that can't be. 

“Alright Dauntless borns you don't need a tour of the place so you can head to dinner with Eric. I’ll take the rest of you around so you can get an idea of where you’ll be living now.” 

The Dauntless borns follow Eric off to our right and Four leads us off to the left instead. I decide to stay at the back of the group even if that means it's harder to hear Fours explanations. The walls of this hall are stone just like the walls of the room we left and there is some trickling water coming through a crack in the wall. As he guides us he is explaining that this hall leads directly to the Pit which is a sort of center hub for the residents of Dauntless.  There are blue lanterns scattered every  hundred yards and in between them I struggle not to fall over myself on the uneven cavern floor. In my mind I feel the soft blades of grass from Amity fields in between my toes. My heart tugs a little at the thought. 

The space we emerge into is huge and I immediately understand why it's called the pit. The rock walls extend up high above us and extend further down to a rock floor. There are narrow stone paths spiraling up all around us leading towards a glass dome that illuminates us. There are no railings and as I glance around I see people milling about and children chasing each other dangerously close to falling. My gut clenches as I watch the Dauntless go about their business. Even the most mundane activities require bravery. This is going to be difficult. There are store fronts extending up many floors and various platforms where people congregate. Four has been speaking but I was lost in my own thoughts so when everything falls silent it takes me a moment to realize why. He is looking directly at me with an evil smirk. It's only now that I realize I’m clutching myself tightly around the middle with my face pulled together in what must like like a grimace. 

“What's the matter Red? Scared?”

The way his words mock me wake me from myself completely. He called me red, must be my hair , or my temper. Probably both. He’s playing with me. Taunting me. He is nothing like the boy I remembered and nothing like the Dauntless I want to become. If he weren't my instructor I’d write him off completely and rid myself of the terrible feeling in my stomach. As it stands He can do as he pleases and I have to deal. Fine so be it. I just growl at him. I'm not sure why but I don't trust myself with words right now. The other Amity initiates look at me with wide eyes but Tobias just snickers and starts moving forward again. I think I catch real amusement in his eyes. Despite how much I’ve disliked him since my arrival I feel pride swell in my chest for putting it there.

The fatigue and pain of the day is nearly too much for me now. My pace is sluggish at the back of the group and I give up any pretense of even listening to Four as we tour the compound. Instead I focus only on walking without falling. Somehow the adrenaline that kept me running all day can't be summoned even for a moment now. I think briefly that I want to cry but that's not true I just want to turn off my mind and let go of everything. Stop existing all together. At least for a while. He leads us to some sort of underground river. I vaguely acknowledge the shifts and murmurs some of awe others of terror all coming from the other initiates but we move forward again quickly and soon enough we are stopped in front of two large swinging doors. I’m picking at my nails again fighting the pounding of my pulse behind my eyes when something Tobias says draws my attention in once again.

“This is where you all will stay.”

Bed. Sleep. Finally. Then I groggily realize that he means we will all be staying in one room together. In Amity there was no privacy. People weren't afraid of nudity of causal touches of entering each other's personal space. I hated it then and I’ll hate it now but this at least is familiar.There are only three girls including myself and we all exchange disgruntled looks. None of us speak and Tobias’s nod shows his appreciation. I must have missed the rest of the description of our living arrangements but I’m sure I can follow everyone else's lead well enough. The haze settling on my brain yet again is far too distracting to fight.  Tobias dismisses everyone to go eat dinner and reminds us all that training begins tomorrow at 8 am. Everyone else leaves with instructions on how to get to the cafeteria and I’m left standing by the door of the living quarters. Sleep is all that I can think about so when I push through the doors and flop myself onto the bottom bunk in the corner I don't notice that Tobias hasn't left. He stands with his arms crossed looking at me expectantly.  His posture is so casual and yet terrifying. My breath catches and I groan standing up once again.  Of course he stayed. Why else would the others need instructions to get to the cafeteria. He wants his answers now and I’m not sure I can take this conversation in my current state. I just want to sleep. I don't even care that I’m hungry and sore.  As I roll my head to loosen my neck muscles I stand before Tobias. I refuse to be the first to speak. Our eyes stay locked for a long moment before he sighs and begins to speak. 

“How do you know my name?”

His neck muscles bulge and his hard stare makes me feel tiny but I refuse to cower even as my hands tremble and my breathing feels shallow. My whole body wants to quack but i lock my elbows and knees to hold them still. Today keeps getting harder and harder and at this rate I have no idea how I’ll make it through initiation. I’m not so sure I’m Dauntless anmore. Not yet, I will be I try to comfort myself, I have to be Dauntless there's no other choice now.

“It’s a long story. You don't know me but I know you. That sort of thing.  I’d rather not get into it all right now. Can we talk about it another time/”

I see how pitiful that attempt at skirting this conversation was immediately when he just raises his eyebrows at me without so much as looking towards the door. My bubbly Amity response only serves to further annoy me. I keep reverting to what I know. It's not helping me blend in anymore and yet it's become ingrained. So much more than I had realized before.I sigh and try to straighten out my brain enough to tell this story. It feels like I’m searching in the dark for a light switch. My mind so heavy from fatigue that it doesn't even want to move my jaw muscles enough to talk. 

“Fine. When you chose Dauntless I was there. I snuck in to see what choosing day was for a myriad of complicated personal reasons. I hid backstage in a hollow podium and I saw a small abnegation boy who seemed broken and afraid light up like a flame the moment his hand touched the hilt of the knife. I saw the strength in you as your blood sizzled on the coals and I saw what I wanted for myself happening for you. I had no idea what became of you. I certainly didn't expect to run into you so soon. “

I hesitate as I watch understanding and fear moving behind his eyes. Could it really be fear?  Then only briefly I see relief. This feels like bearing my soul and my heart is hammering again. I feel my sweaty palms at my sides but I decide now that there is more to say to him. Honesty is courageous right now and maybe being a kiss up isn't so bad either. 

“ You were sort of my hero. I spent years trying to be that strong when I felt that small. I didn't have much else to cling to when things got.. hard.”

His shoulders relax a little and there is a graveness to his voice when he finally speaks.

“There's a lot you don't know about me. About that day. It wasn't as courageous as it may have looked.”

His eyes look far away as I wait for what's next. I forget to breath. My mind tries to summon any explanation for his words. What could I possibly learn that would change what I saw that day? I realize quickly that he won't be explaining. My curiosity feels like a beast in my mind that's ravenous for answers. I stifle it. Too many questions and He’ll see what I am. What I’m not. My mind whispers to itself  _ Divergent. _

“You look exhausted. You’ll need to rest for tomorrow. This conversation never happened and we have never met before. Understood?” 

Just like that Tobias vanished and Four returned. Cold and intimidating. I see now that it's a mask a disguise just like the name Four, like my temper and my smart mouth are a mask for my fear. He doesn't wait for an answer. As the door swings behind him I stare at the spot where he had been standing. After all this time I finally spoke to the boy who choose and yet when I close my eyes I don't see his warm cinnamon eyes.  I see icey blue diamonds. When I start to drift I see tattoos and facial piercings and the ghost of soft warm breath, the breath of one of my leaders, brushes over my ear again. 

“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou to all my new followers. I saw your names in my emails and I'm so happy to have you in my little family. Please comment and talk with me about the story so I know If your all still out there. I hope you like this update it was a little rushed I hope it dosent show too much.
> 
> XOXOMaximumred


	6. Early Bird Gets The Worm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert Erics the worm

I am accustomed to waking up early so when I open my eyes the room is dark and filled with the soft sounds of sleep. It takes me a moment to remember where I am, all that's happened. It doesn't seem real. I don't remember anyone turning the light off or entering the room at all it couldn't have been five minutes after Tobias left that I passed out completely. My exhaustion winning the battle and dropping me so far into sleep nothing could wake me. I blink my eyes rapidly willing them to see more than a foot in front of my face. As my vision begins to adjust I see that there is in fact a hand hanging from the bunk above me dangling just above my nose. It's hard to tell whose hand it is but the nails are longer than I'd expect for a boy so I assume it belongs to one of two possible girls. Neither name comes to mind. Long nails. That could be a problem in a fight. 

I decide I’m not awake enough to think about that and I roll onto my back thinking about my empty little cabin in Amity. Now is when I'd go out there and train. Train for this, where I am now. I wonder if anyone has discovered my ruined punching bag my hideaway and all its secrets. I doubt they have. No one did in the years I was using it why would they now. 

This time yesterday I was watching the changing colors of the Amity sunrise and now I’m underground in a cold damp rock enclosed dungeon. A shiver washes over me as I shove my blankets to the end of the bed. My lungs crave fresh air and my skin craves sunlight. I don't know when I'll be able to shake the chill that entered my bones yesterday and hasn't left since. 

_ I don't miss home. _

Maybe if I tell myself that enough times it will be true.

_ That was never home. _

I sigh and rub my sleep crusted eyes with my fists. Since getting to Dauntless I’ve felt like I’m on the edge of a knife. If I sway too far I’ll fall. So much rides on this and there is no guarantee I’ll be here to see the end of it. I have to make it. I will be Dauntless. 

_ Divergent _

The dark is messing with my head. The cold is messing with my emotions. I need to move. The dirt and grime on my skin makes me feel stiff and itchy. I need new clothes and a shower. Thats a problem I can face right now. One with a much simpler solution. As I move to get out of bed I slam my left toe into something hard and unforgiving though not as unforgiving as stone and I have to clamp a hand over my own mouth quickly to keep from yelping. I glance around me as my eyesight continues to slowly improve, noticing no real difference in the rise and fall of chests. It seems everyone else was just as whipped as I was when they fell into their beds. I crouch to inspect the damage. I probe my big toe with icy fingers feeling a sore spot by the nail, it may turn colors, but all bones feel intact. 

It seems my toe unceremoniously discovered a bedside table. I crouch down beside it feeling along the top and down the sides until I find a drawer . I open it slowly hoping it won't creak or scrape on its way out. To my surprise it doesn't. In the drawer I feel some cloth, a hair brush and something square and hard, likely soap. I scoop up everything my arms can hold and try to find the door that leads to the shower. I let my shoulder graze the wall to guide me through the dark. I thank myself for choosing the corner bed last night, even in my exhausted haze I had the presence of mind to choose a bed that would allow me easy access to both the bathroom and hallway doors. 

Once the bathroom door is closed behind me I grope my hand against the cold rock wall for a light switch, after what seems like a very long time a blinding fluorescent light flickers on over head and I have to shield my pupils from the sudden stabbing they are receiving. A startled moth flutters its way around the ceiling before settling against the seam where the wall and ceiling meet. I wonder how exactly that little guy got down here. He looks about as out of place as I feel. 

The bathroom was clearly not designed for anyone's comfort. Its walls are stone until halfway up then they change to some sort of ugly cracking plaster. The black paint is chipping and peeling and flakes of it decorate the edges of the floor.  A humorless laugh rolls through my mind. This is just another piece of initiation. They take away comfort and warmth and leave you to adjust or drown. I imagine some of the others will struggle to let go of comfort. I think of my bed back home and my private little bathroom and say a silent goodbye I hadn't the time for yesterday, or was it the day before? Time seems to be a concept far beyond my grasp. No measurable amount of time seems large enough to hold so much change. This won't be fun but it will be manageable. 

I wipe a hand over my face and take a closer look at what I have to work with. There are three toilets against the leftmost wall looking cold and painfully open without any kind of doors or separations between them. They are white though, not too stained or broken. Could be worse. My mind flashes to the hole in the ground that served as my restroom next to the cabin and feel a strength building in my posture. Definitely could be worse. The middle wall holds a long counter at waist height. Half of the counter contains hand sinks of the same porcelain as the toilets. The other half seems to serve no purpose. For now It's where I choose to set down my change of clothes before my filthy hands could dirty them. The counter runs directly beneath a long and tall mirror which extends to the ceiling covering all parts of the wall above the waist. It makes the small bathroom seem much larger. My eyes land on myself and my face scrunches up involuntarily. My long red hair is matted and sticking out all over the place covered in so much dirt and grime that it hardly looks the same color. My skin is no better off. My clothes that started off simply dirty are now also torn and ragged. As I look down at myself I remember the cut I made on my hand. It has crusted over the rag tied there and part of it is stuck to the filthy stinking fabric. I wince as I rip my skin loose and a fresh line of blood lights up among the dingy creases of my palm. I look disgusting and my mother's sneer conjures itself in the back of my mind disapproval and disdain shrinking me down to half her size. I touch a bloodied finger to the mirror seeing her face in mine. It takes all my self control to keep from smashing the mirror with my fists. I grip the counter to steady myself. She's not here with me. She can't control me. I exhale all the air from my lungs and fill them again slowly.

I refuse to look towards the mirror again until after my shower which I move towards with urgency. On the right side of the room on the bathrooms remaining unexamined wall there is floor drains and shower heads. Thankfully there is a small amount of privacy granted to us here. There is one curtain blocking off the showers from the rest of the room though nothing separating the shower heads from each other. I will just have to keep getting up early like this if I want privacy. I begin to shed my Amity clothes only to see the Dauntless Manifesto tumble to the ground by the shower drain. Thankfully the floor is dry. Its pages are creased from being stuffed in the back of my jeans though it's cover still holds a certain newly printed shine. I'd completely forgotten about it but now the ache in my lower back aims to scold me for my oversight. I shove the pamphlet under the stack of clean laundry and  tell myself I’ll hide it later. As the rusty shower head sputters to life a grin splits across my face. The water is warm. I hadn't known what to expect after the generally decrepit state of all our other accommodations. The Amity believe in conservation of resources so all showers are meant to be short and cold. I had from time to time broken those rules in the safety of my own home always sure I'd be caught. I was too afraid to try it often. For many people living in larger groups, as the Amity are inclined to do, the showers didn't even have the capability. They simply had one handle that turned on a soft drizzle of cold water that automatically turned off after 5 minutes. I decide to treat myself with a long shower. After all I am in Dauntless now. As the water runs over me and begins to sooth the knots in my shoulders I try to sort out some of what I’m feeling.

Today is the first day of training. I don't know what to expect from that but I do know that it includes physical fighting. Can I hit someone else? I’ve never had to. 

_ But you've wanted to. _

I scrape the soap against my shoulders and neck. No. I'm not my mother. I'm not cruel. I don't enjoy other people's pain. Will I have to be cruel here? No Uriah was not cruel. He made it through Dauntless initiation. I can too. I think of the times I lost control of my anger in Amity. The countless hours spent in the quiet room where they would inject you with peace serum and wait for you to mellow out. Some of the other kids thought I was just hooked on the junk. They thought I provoked people to get a hit. Truthfully I hated that stuff. The feeling it gave you, like you were floating, like nothing mattered. I shake my head. I’m not there now so I won't have to worry about it. Here I can be angry if I want to be . 

Something that I had never considered before was the fact that a punching bag does not infact punch back. It doesn't dodge you either. My stomach drops, I felt so prepared yesterday but now in the light of a new morning with a clear head I’m not so sure. I lather soap into my hair and dig my fingers at my scalp as I try to think of what I’d be doing at Amity right now. I honestly don't know what I’d be doing. Mumbling pleasantries, singing in a group and swaying in a circle. It all sounds so stupid and I think to myself that maybe I like it in the dark down here. Maybe I’ll like the me I can become.

The water pooling at my feet runs black for a long time but as my finger tips shrivel and my skin begins to feel raw the color starts to become lighter until it runs clear all together.  This is quite possibly the longest shower I've ever taken. I hadn't thought to find a towel so I ring my hair out with my hands and dry my skin off with paper towels before examining the clothes I found. They are all black cotton and could be worn by either gender. The Tee shirt is too loose so I tie a knot in it by my hip. The sweat pants luckily have a drawstring to secure them around my waist. I find a pair of stretch socks that seem to adjust to my foot size all right but I still don't have any shoes which will be a problem until I can ask someone about it. Maybe I should have been listening to Tobias yesterday. I stuff the Dauntless Manifesto back into the waist of my sweatpants. It feels much less secure in these pants but it will have to do. 

Running the brush through my tangled hair I feel the tugs in my scalp pulse down my neck. My hair is so thick that I worry the brush will break before my tangles are tamed. I finally look in the mirror again as the brush stops snagging every half an inch. The stark black against my naturally fair skin looks harsh and unflattering. The clothes I'm wearing look like they are swallowing me whole but without so much filth covering every inch of available skin I look infinitely better than just a while earlier. I don't look like the Dauntless I’ve seen. I don't look tough or strong.  It doesn't matter much how I look I try to console myself . I  _ feel _ better and I need to be at my best to get ahead here. I stuff all of my wrecked Amity clothes into the trash and exit the bathroom.

No one has moved and the room is still dark but there's no chance I'll be going back to sleep. My stomach is grumbling since I skipped dinner but I have no idea where to go to get food. I'm really regretting ignoring Tobias now. I’ll be smarter from now on. Observant. I decide to wander the compound a bit, see if my nose can take me towards the scent of food or else if I can backtrack towards the pit where I can ask someone else for directions. 

I drag my fingertips along the cold stone walls idly and feel the texture of the hard floor with every step. This isn't like the soft creak of the Amity wood floors but the padding of my steps echo around me in a soothing rhythm. Socks are much better than bare feet. My wet hair drips down my back and makes me shiver. As I turn the third corner that I've reached my body slams into something hard and I fall back on to the ground with a thud. 

“Ohh geez!” 

The squeak has left my lips before I can remember where I am. Embarrassment flushes my skin and I move to get up rubbing my tailbone slightly. Great. At this rate I'll beat myself up before anyone else has to. 

“Watch where you're going  _ Initiate _ ”

I recognize the voice even before my eyes settle on the man in front of me. Eric stands with long greasy black hair hanging over one eye and what looks like comfortable sweats in place of yesterday's vest and jeans. He has sweat moving from his collarbones in a v towards his navel and his skin is flushed pink from exertion. My eyes are drawn back to his. The artic blue from my dreams last night reemerging in my memory. I realize too late that I'm staring. 

“See something you like?”

His tone is mocking and my heart pounds. I know my cheeks are still red but I pray he hasn't noticed. I do see something I like and that's not something I’ll ever admit. I duck my eyes towards the floor and bite out a retort. I decide to resort to sarcasm if only to wipe the sneer from his smug face.

“Oh  _ yes _ Eric, be still my heart, your enormous ego is sending my foolish girly heart into flutters.  _ How ever  _ will I restrain myself.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth I let my face drop into something I hope looks completely flat and bored. To his credit he is quick to reply.

“I’m sure it's my enormous  _ ego _ you're thinking about.” 

I can't help it. I snort out a laugh that echoes down the completely silent halls. It feels good to laugh. So good that I forget to be bothered by his audacity. 

“Do you hear yourself when you talk?”

The words sound breathy and high pitched in the wake of my giggles and if I werent already so flushed and was my heart not already racing, I’m sure the embarrassment of that girlishness would set them off again. I don't want him to see me as childish. That exactly how my voice sounds to my own ears, childish.  Slowly his face shifts from startled to doubtful as my eyes continue to linger over his sharp cheekbones and strong jawline. He's my instructor what am I even thinking looking at him like this. All the intimidation from yesterday is washed away in this moment and I find it difficult to see him as anything more than a cute jerk. Thankfully when he speaks next it isn't to further that topic. 

“What do you have against shoes Amity?” 

I note that even a simple question sounds feral and harsh coming from him. He's got a deep growl of a voice and hearing it more often hasn't taken away the edge. My hair still prickles and my stomach still twists from the sound of it. He's so predatory. He can't tell that my organs feel like they are shaking though and he never needs to find out.  

“I don't have anything against them, I just don't have any” 

I sound irritated to my own ears. I wish I'd had something snarkier to say. Eric. Sizes me up for another long moment before rolling his eyes and turning on his heels to go back the direction he just came. My feet stay rooted in place and I try to steady my breathing before I make myself faint.

“Let's go. Don't slow me down. “

I don't want to run after him though that's my first instinct when I hear his harsh warning.  He wants me to follow him. He wants me to follow him. Just when I thought it was over. Nothing is ever easy though, of course he wants to torment me a while longer. I settle on a brisk walk until I’ve reached his side again.The compound is so quiet at this hour, whatever hour that is, the echoes of my footsteps are nearly drown out by the heavy clomp of Eric's steps. He walks with his shoulders back and his head high like he owns the place.

_ He’s a leader, he does. _

It's so easy to forget the authority he has. He looks like he couldn't be much older than me. Certainly no older than Tobias. I try to remember If I saw him in that year. If he had been in Tobias’s grade. No young Dauntless boys come to my mind and I give up in favor of figuring out where exactly we are headed. 

“So ah, not that you don't make great company with all the growling and glaring but ya know where are we going and why?”

He doesn't seem to mind the question even though he rolls his eyes at my description of him. His tone is no more friendly than its been since I met him.

“We are going to the cafeteria because you look like the wind will knock you over.”

Great he thinks I’m weak. I feel a stab of disappointment in my gut, I don't know why but I don't want him to see me as someone who needs help. I look to the ground while we walk trying to memorize the path to the cafeteria. Easier to focus on that than all the confusion that comes with Eric. He suddenly jerks to a stop and turns on me. I can’t help but flinch down and back from his hulking posture.

“How many steps in the last hall.”

He asks me so feverishly I don't question him I just sputter an answer. 

“f-forty seven.”

He leans back and eyes me curiously with his arms crossed across his broad chest. His biceps bulge where his hands rest.. Don't Dauntless keep track of these things? Should I have acted like I didn't know? No, something tells me he would have caught me lying. I suddenly feel like he can see my mind. I try not to panic but My breathing feels shallow. 

“How did you know I ...” 

He doesn't answer me or explain himself at all he just begins moving forward again as if that hadn't just happened. In my shock I fall behind a few yards this time I just jog to catch up throwing aside my attempts to seem strong or uninterested. It’s pointless anyway since he already thinks I’m weak. Before I work up the nerve to ask him what that was all about he’s pushing open the doors to a room I’ve never seen. Inside there are rows of tables with chairs attached to them. Like longer metal versions of the picnic tables in Amity. There are almost no other people in here. Just two black clad pierced gentlemen in the far corner talking animatedly over there plates. There is a table covered in metal trays that hold an assortment of food I've never seen before. In Amity we ate fresh cut fruit and vegetables with bread for most meals. Here there are strange dark discs and slabs of what I can only imagine is meat. Eric heads directly for the food piling his plate with an assortment of different slops and globs in varying shades of brown and white. He makes a sandwich with one of the dark discs and some sort of red paste. I stand hesitantly holding my empty plate unsure of what to grab.  He looks up from a ways down and sighs loudly. When he returns to my side his words are clipped and his eyes hard.

“You’ve never eaten meat?”

It doesn't sound like a question as he hands me his full to the brim plate and begins filling mine. I’m waiting by his side when he mumbles over his shoulder to me. 

“Go. Eat. I’m making myself another.” 

Oh, is all I can think as I eye the food I’m holding. There is so much here, How could I ever eat this much? My stomach rumbles though and I put aside my reservations in search of a table. I choose one that is far away from the other Dauntless and close to the door. The table is up against a wall and I sit in the seat closest to it with my back to the door and my eyes on the rest of the room. I pick up the sandwich and decide not to think to hard about it. It's just food. When Eric returns I expect him to sit across from me but he doesn't. Instead he sits in the seat next to me. I try to swallow down the food I’m chewing so I can thank him for his help but he is already speaking by the time I clear my mouth.

“Interesting choice of table.”

His voice is flat but there is a hint of something in his eyes a twinkling . I must be imagining it because he digs into his food without looking at me again. He eats quickly and messily. Where as I slowly pick around the food at my plate.

“Interesting how?”

I dare to ask. He lets me wait not seeming to be in any rush to answer me. 

“Eat. You need to build your strength.”

I sigh. It's infuriating how little he says. I want to know what's going on in his head but I doubt I’ll ever find out. Attempting again to eat the massive plate of food he made me I have to fight back the nagging in my mind. My mother's voice resurfacing. Always picking and poking at me for what I eat . Too much, not enough, suddenly my appetite is gone but Eric's eyes are heavy on the side of my face.

“Whatever. It’s your grave,”

Just like that he dismisses me and dives back into his own plate which is already much emptier than mine.He is such an instigator and I feel the familiar itch to smack him upside the head. Instead I grip my fork to tightly and start stuffing my face with mashed potatoes. Something I recognize. I think I catch a smirk from the corner of my eye but it’s gone so quickly I can't be sure. The silence fills with the sound of scraping utensils and chewing and I almost forget he is beside me. My mind swirls with anticipation for today and before I know it I’ve eaten almost everything on the plate. My stomach feels so full that I think I can feel the food filling half way up my esophagus. I push the plate back and stretch my back that has grown stiff in the last half hour. Eric stands hastily leaving his palate where it sits and shoots his eyes to the door.

“Find some tighter clothing. Anything your opponent can grab is a weapon.”

He turns to leave but I boldly echo his words from earlier.

“Sure it's my  _ opponent _ you're thinking of.” 

When he turns back around his face is pinched and his eyes look furious.

“I’m not just your instructor, I’m your leader Phoenix, You’d do well to remember that. Try not to fall on your ass again on your way to the pit.”

He storms through the doors letting them swing closed behind him and I’m left staring at the empty place he had just stood in. His shift in attitude was so quick I barely have time to register it before my anger begins to swell up again. I’m already sick of his games. I feel my sharp movements like they are stabs to his memory.

_ Fall on your ass. _

_ Your leader. _

My fists are clenched tightly around our plates as I deposit them in the bin above the trash. I wanted to leave his plate behind but I have no idea who has to clean up the cafeteria and I doubt the deserve to clean up after Eric and his raging testosterone. Eric wants me to get tighter clothes? Oh I’ll get tighter clothes.

With a mission in mind I find myself nearly jogging through the corridors as I hunt for the Pit. I try to remember any part of the compound layout from yesterday's tour but I can't bring anything to mind. Fortunately I only wander for about 15 minutes before I stumble out onto one of the many narrow paths that encircle the pit. Here I have no trouble finding a clothing store. One it seems that specifically sells fighting clothes. I rummage through the racks picking out a few pairs of spandex pants and sports bras. It seems black is the only color the store carries which is fine. One less thing to decide on. By the end of my anger fueled shopping trip I have three complete outfits one long sleeved shirt, a Tee-shirt and a tank top, two pairs of spandex pants, one pair of spandex shorts and three sports bras.  Once I’ve hauled my loot to the counter I realize I have no way of paying for any of this. I look sheepishly at the tired cashier and begin to speak. She cuts me off impatiently. 

“Your new. You've got points to spend I just need your name to use them. What you have here costs 3 points.”

Her head is leaning on her palm and she looks completely unamused. 

“Phoenix.” 

I mumble out my new name for the first time and it feels strange on my lips. Harsher than Yuna felt. The woman dumps my clothes into a bag and shoves them over the counter without another word and I decide that I don't much care if Dauntless hates small talk. I used to hate small talk. It serves no purpose. I head back in the direction I hope leads towards the dormitory. Wondering nervously what time it is and how long I have to find my way back. My best plan of attack is to get to the cafeteria I just left. I can count my passes back from there. Today has just started and it already feels like the longest day of my life. 

 


	7. Cold Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole reason I started writing it was because I ran out of good Eric material to read. I don't know that I'm writing anything all that interesting but I'm really trying to. I have a lot of plans for this story about what phoenix is going to learn. Just wait until you guys find out who her father is!   
> I saw all you new followers in my email alerts comment! Join the party! Tell me what you think about Phoenix and where you think this story is headed!

It took me a while to realize that I had forgotten to purchase shoes and by that point I didn't know where I was at all. It just felt like I was going in circles passing the same rock walls over and over. I spent a long time wandering the compound to no avail eventually giving up and finding a corner to read the manifesto in. I was engrossed in the ideals of the Dauntless, feeling for the first time since getting here like the decision I made was undoubtedly the right one.  

 

_ We believe that justice is more important than peace. _

_ We believe in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions. _

_ We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another _

_ We do not believe that learning to master violence encourages unnecessary violence. _

_ We do not believe that we should be allowed to stand idly by. _

_ We do not believe that any other virtue is more important than bravery. _

 

My chest swells with pride for the faction I sit in. The intimidation and harsh atmosphere no longer seeming uninviting but challenging.What frustrated me most in Amity was the passivity. The idea that all problems could be resolved with quiet voices and compromises. There are things that cannot be compromised. Situations where to give in even a little is to loose all together. I wonder again how many people simply looked the other way when they saw me. My family was broken even the slightest inquiry into what my home life had become after Lucien left would have revealed everything. The weeks when I would refuse to eat at school and would refuse to speak in class. The way that I isolated myself from the other students and rarely turned up for social gatherings.  I don't know what I would have said if someone had asked me about it but I know that they would have seen through a lie. Maybe that's why no one asked. Its easier to pretend you didn't know that way. There were signs all along the way but to avoid conflict is the Amity way even if avoiding conflict means ignoring the problem. I clench my fists at my sides. I remember so little from before Lucien left. Small fragments of memory that are seen through a haze. Broken pieces of conversations blurry faces and faded smiles. I try to cling to the scraps I can recall but they are so few and far between that they slip from grasp like water through my fingers. My head throbs from the effort and I sink my face into my folded arms as I clutch my knees tightly.

 The sound of approaching footsteps alerts me that my solitude is broken and it's none other than Uriah who has stumbled upon me. He greets me with a brilliant smile and offers me his hand to help me stand. He hadn't noticed what I was doing and I quickly stuffed the pamphlet back to its temporary home in my waistband before taking his hand and greeting him. Luckily Uriah informed me that It was still only 7 am when we  began our return to the initiate rooming. He didn't question why I was sitting alone in a hallway but I could see the curiosity in his bright warm eyes so I confessed my complete confusion about traveling the compound, Uriah thought it very funny that I hadn't discovered that it was all a large circle. The pit is its center and the corridors leading off of it are like spokes on a wheel. All the paths between those spokes are curved outward from the pit. It seems obvious now and I kick myself for my stupidity. I had actually been walking in circles. It wasn't my imagination that made all the rock walls look the same. I see through the open door way that the others have just begun shuffling about and getting ready for the day. Uriah was in a hurry we hardly spoke at all in his haste to get to his shift in the control room but he shouts to me as he jogs backwards away from me.

“Good luck today, give them hell first jumper1” 

Just like that he is gone and the anticipation I’d kept at bay surges back through me spreading under my skin and through my veins. Before I had made it 2 steps in the door the other Amity girl was jumping up and down in front of me with a goofy grin on her face. 

“I've been waiting for you to get back!”

Her excitement bubbled over me and left me with the familiar feeling of inadequacy. Amity conversations were like a foreign language. I just never got the hang of it but there was something familiar about it that I couldn't help but enjoy. 

“Ah. Yeah? why?”

“You have a present!” 

She squealed and brought her fists up to her face with shaking excitement. She looked like a kid at a candy store and I couldn't stop myself from laughing at her giddiness the laugh sounded nervous and delayed to my ears and I grimace. Seeing my face only encouraged her and she continued on so quickly I could barely follow along.

“I’m Maybell by the way. So like an hour ago I woke up with this weird feeling and I didn't know why so I opened my eyes and I saw this shadowy figure leaving the room. I was like super creeped out so I got up right away and that's when I saw the box on your bed. Which you weren't in. I thought at first that you had just left but then I saw that there was a note on the box and I just couldn't help myself so I read it and that's when I realized the person I saw leaving couldn't have been you. I didn't know where you could have gone though so I’ve just been waiting for you to get back. You've got to open it!!”

Maybell had sandy blond hair that just reached her shoulders in light waves and her big round eyes were the color of honey combs. She had pink flower petal lips and this childish excitement only served to make her look younger than she already appeared. Her Dauntless clothes were far more oversized than even mine were and her bright yellow sneakers looked incredibly out of place. I put a hand to my forehead shaking my head as I sort through all the words she just spewed at me. I don't have it in me to be mad at her for reading the note. It might have been an invasion of privacy but if the note was just sitting out like that I don't know that I could have kept myself from reading it either.  I try to focus on this change of events. Someone left me a present but who and why?

“Okay okay. Let's go check it out.”

Sitting on my bunk is a big black box with a note taped to the lid. I stand by the side of the bed looking at it hesitantly for a long moment wondering to myself who it could be from. Tobias? Eric? Both those answers seem ridiculous what would either of them want to give me? I only just met them both and neither one seemed to like me very much. Uriah and Domino both might want to give me something but Uriah didn't say anything suspicious when I saw him a moment ago and Domino must be just as preoccupied with the first day of training as the rest of us. It would  be a stretch to think he planned this out in his spare time. Maybell is perched on the edge of my bed looking at me with anticipation.

“Well come on! you've at least got to read the note.”

I glance around me at the other initiates. I can hear water running so that explains where some of the missing initiates are. The two Candor boys are sitting on one bunk a few rows down. Talking heatedly to one another and glaring at the rest of us. The copper haired Erudite boy is leaning against a bedpost with his arms crossed looking our direction. He quirks an eyebrow when our eyes meet and I shrug. I didn't expect that he would walk our way immediately and I kick myself for being so inept with social settings.  

“Not even a full day in and you've got suitors.”

The boy's voice is velvety and deep. It makes me think of warm blankets in the winter and I tilt my head at him in reply.

“I have no idea what you mean.” 

Before he can say much more or properly introduce himself Maybell is bouncing on the mattress causing the springs to squeak and the bed frame to wobble. Her voice is somewhere between excited and whiney when she godes me to open the box once again.

“Aren't you curious you've gotta open it already.”

I plop down next to her on the bed feeling strange and uncomfortable with all these eyes on me. I wish I could have found this box first so I’d have some privacy when I opened it. I tentatively pick up the note and flip it open.The hand writing is incredibly neat and uniform along the thin blue lines ruling the paper.

_ “Too late for cold feet” _

That can't seriously be all. There is no signature or clue about who the sender is and that cryptic single line of words is hardly worth writing.

“Well that was super informative.” 

I roll my eyes and turn my attention to the box. The Erudite boys soft chuckle beside me reminds me that I’m not alone and the nervousness rolls through me again. I throw open the lid and I’m hit by the stupidity of the pun. There are two pairs of shoes in the box. Cold feet. hah. 

“Wow clever.”

This time my sarcasm really seems to tickle the Erudite boy and his shoulders shake with laughter. He is holding the note that I had discarded and eyeing me over it with humor in his green eyes. I notice how his black t shirt is pulling tight across his wide shoulders and pooling loosely around his narrow hips. His black jeans hang low and are folded once over the tops of his dark sneakers. He looks Dauntless already. I find myself hoping I won't have to fight him. He sees my pursed lips and speaks in that same soothing murmur.

“Come on that's pretty cute.”

“Yeah I just love cute things.”

I mumble, Maybell has already grabbed a hold of one of the pairs of shoes and is cooing over them happily.

“These boots are killer! How did they know your size?”

I gently pull the boots from her grasp and flip over the shoe. On the soul is the printed number 9. Exactly my size. 

“Now that's just freaky I don't even have a pair of shoes here for someone to check.”

The Erudite boy leans both arms on the top bunk ducking his head closer to our level in his relaxed posture.

“Yeah that's actually pretty strange.”

His voice sounds uninterested but there is a curiosity sparkling in his eyes and I can see the Erudite in him latching onto a mystery.

“What's your name?”

I ask him to distract him from the private puzzle he and Maybell seem all too willing to dive into. 

“Ren”

His eyes are far away and I realize there is no hope of trying to figure this out on my own. I hadn't been looking to make friends, yet here these two are completely unputoff by my lack of social graces. 

“Who do you think this is from?”

Ren asks eyeing the note again as if it would answer him this time. 

“I honestly haven't the slightest idea. No one's ever given me a gift before I don't know much about these things.”

Maybells voice sounds aghast when she hears that.

“No one ? Ever? But you're from Amity! What about your birthday?”

“Well I didn't have many friends and my mother… I didn't celebrate my birthday okay?”

Ren jumps into the conversation again to save me from Maybells fawning.

“That's alright, you didn't miss anything special. People always giving you crap you don't need and people you don't care about pretending to like you. As if living another year meant anything other than being closer to death.” 

I laugh at the drama to his dismissive statement. 

“Yeah, well be that as it may, it doesn't help us figure out who this is from.”

“The way I see it this person's going to reveal themselves eventually. Either asking you what you thought of their choices or saying something cocky about it. They are going to want you to know it was from them especially if they are Dauntless,these cocky fuckers. So just give it time and keep your ears open.”

I’m laughing again and I have to wipe away moisture from my eyes. Ren is smiling slightly but trying to keep from laughing and maybell is clicking her tongue and shaking her head everytime Ren swears. 

I turn my attention back to my gifts now seeing the boots I’m holding for the first time. They are tall black leather boots that lace all the way up the front with a thick tread and shinny metal eye lets. Very Dauntless though I can't even imagine going through all that effort to put them on and lace them, let alone see myself in them. They are too loud for me I decide. In the box still are a pair of running sneakers that weigh almost nothing and in comparison to the boots are completely practical. I don't know what else to do so I stuff the terrifying boots into the night stand and shove my feet into the sneakers. I don't mean to but I let out a contented sigh. My toes had been freezing and the snug sneakers feel like clouds on my sore feet.

“So Phoenix, Maybell, care to get some breakfast?”

Maybell is sitting cross legged in front of me like she's waiting for me to answer for her. The expectant look on her face is weirding me out so I rub my neck awkwardly and look at the stone floor.

“Ah that's actually where I was. I already ate. But ahh, thanks and stuff.”

I leave out the part about running into Eric. I don't know why but it feels like a secret or a dream. Like if I say it out loud it won't be true anymore I’ll wake up back in Amity with those piercing blue eyes burned into my brain. Rens face is half smile half grimace as silence falls after my answer.

“You have a way with words.”

He mumbles as he pushes back off the bed. 

“Alright Maybell looks like it's you and me then. Let's get some grub before my stomach eats itself.”

Maybell hasn't even looked at Ren yet and she talks to me like we have been friends our whole lives.

“Aw come on, don't you wanna come and keep us company?”

“Um, next time. I was gonna change and stuff.”

“and stuff” 

Ren echoes my words and smirks. He didn't have to say anything to remind me that I am infact  _ super _ charismatic.  His hands are stuffed into his pockets and he has found yet another way to lean on the furniture. He practically refuses to stand on his own two feet when there is a surface he could be leaning on in his vicinity.The two of them head out of the door chattering at each other and I smile as I watch them go. I catch a death glare from the Candor boys and I realize for the first time that they aren't speaking a language I have ever heard before. Whatever they are speaking it's strange and full of vowels and I look away quickly to avoid having to talk to either of them. I focus on deep breathing. I already want to go back to sleep but it's almost time to start training and I groan at the thought. I stuff the dauntless pamphlet and the two outfits I won't wear into the drawer with the boots before changing into my stretch pants and long sleeved shirt. 

I change next to my bed ducking low to avoid being completely in the open. once I’m dressed I stretch my legs and arms feeling the fabric move with me. I don't know if I should be thankful for Eric's advice or if I should be suspicious of his motivation. I remember his spite before he left and feel foolish all over again. It was advice that he didn't have to give me and nothing more, I decide to be thankful for it. I couldn't imagine he would find me very attractive. He’s a Dauntless leader with all of the DAuntless population to choose from. The women I’ve seen in this compound are all fierce and beautiful. In comparison I’m just wiry and flat chested. All bones and joints with dull frizzy hair and a pointed nose. I look like my mother except for the nose wide cheekbones and blue eyes. I suppose I got those from my father whoever he is. 

Once we have all gathered in the training room I notice to my dissatisfaction that Tobias is the only instructor we have. His booming voice commands everyone into silence is he tells us about what we will be learning. His eyes never even pass over me. As if yesterday never happened and I was just any initiate. I suppose I am. A creepy stalker initiate. 

“Today we are going to the roof to practise firing a gun. After that we will come back down here and learn some basic hand to hand tactics. We will break for lunch and when we get back you will begin fighting each other. Things move quickly here so keep up or watch your ranking fall.”

As soon as he finishes addressing us he turns on his heels and pushes through the training room doors leaving us scrambling to follow. The moment we reach the roof I take in a deep breath. It feels like ages since I have seen the sun and the warmth spreads across my skin, a welcome change. There is a folding table stacked with handguns and what looks like ammunition. Maybell and Ren stand beside me Maybell seeming more interested in the view than the guns. 

“You will each take a gun and two clips of ammunition. The goal is to hit the center of the target. These are not toys these are deadly weapons and holding one isn't just a learning experience it's a responsibility. After I demonstrate how to shoot you will each choose a target and begin practicing.” 

Tobias grabs a gun from the table and holds it high enough for us all to see how he slides the cartridge of bullets into its handle. As he demonstrates he says nothing. I find myself wanting a more thorough explanation of his actions but this isn't Erudite and we aren't going to be coddled.He turns to the target casually like he's done it thousands of times, maybe he has.  I try to memorize his stance. One slightly foot forward shoulders width apart. He inhales and aims, exhales and fires 6 times rapidly. The noise is deafening. The air is so still and quiet when it stops you can almost feel the power of the weapon pulsing in the now empty air.  I pull my eyes off of Tobias and look to his target. There is one hole in its center. Every bullet having passed through the exact same spot. If I hadn't just watched that happen I wouldn't have believed he shot more than once. My throat feels tight like I’m trying to swallow a marshmallow whole.

“Get to it initiates. Remember to keep your finger off the trigger until you're ready to fire and to only point the gun at the ground or at your target. If I see any fooling around you'll be dropped to last in the rankings.”

We all quickly grab our weapons and line up in front of the targets. I know that Ren is beside me and Maybell beside him but I forget about them entirely when I feel the weight of the gun in my hands. The cold metal grip feels strong and powerful as my pulse leaps towards it from my fingertips.I take a moment just to look at it memorizing the groves in the barrel and textured handle grip. When I lift the gun up I try to feel the position of my body without moving my eyes from my target. The weight pulls down on my arms and the stance feels unnatural. Feet a little wider, a shimmy them apart. Arms not quite high enough I lift them a little higher. I take a few deep breaths and move my finger onto the trigger. My heart races and when I squeeze it the gun bucks back hard in my hand hitting me in the shoulder as my arm recoils from the unexpected kick back. My bullet didn't even hit the target. I blow out a breath and take my stance again. This time holding my muscles tighter readying them for the force of the gun. When I fire this time I hit the edge of the target. Just barely. I notice that on the top of the gun has a tiny metal notch at the center of the barrel. I line that up with where I want to hit and try to imagine each of my muscles relaxing and solidifying. I fire again. This time I get close to center but the bullet hit too low. 

Tobias made it look so easy. LIke it was no more difficult than skipping. I’m flustered but my gut tells me that focusing on that will make this harder. I try to clear my mind looking at the center of the target and seeing it expand until its as wide as my field of vision. I shake out my arms to get the blood flowing in my fingers again before I aim. This time lifting the barrel higher. When I exhale and fire again the bullet hits the center of the target and I jump up in the air in excitement. 

To my right Ren looks at my target like he is trying to solve a math problem. His eyebrows are pulled together and his eyes are squinted in concentration. He looks back to his own at the same time I do seeing that he has only managed to hit the edges of his target. Before I think about it i'm next to him lifting his arms up higher and describing the use of the little metal barrel notch. When Ren sees the line on his gun his eyes reignite with understanding and he takes to positioning himself with a new vigor. Before he fires I tell him to wait.

“Loosen up your shoulders and breath.” 

I’m not sure if that's good advice but it worked for me. His next bullet hits center and we both cheer this time. 

“Why aren't you aren't your target?” 

Tobias startles me and I jump away from Ren and his target. My blood runs cold under his imposing stare. 

“Ahh just .. giving pointers.”

“You think you're qualified to teach someone else how to use a gun?”

Tobias jaw is clenched and he has a good point. A really good point. I feel small and I pull my elbows into my sides shrinking down even smaller until maybe I can disappear all together.. My mouth feels dry and my palm feels wet the two things being the opposite of ideal. To my surprise Ren speaks up. 

“She hit the center of the target before she even noticed me struggling. All she did was point out the sight on the barrel. It's not like she's giving me in depth lessons over here.” 

Tobias looks to our targets noticing the bullet placement and counting the holes. The sounds of the others firing is ringing in my head when he speaks again. 

“Empty the rest of your clip into the center of the target right now and I won't make you run laps around the compound until your legs won't hold you.” 

I look at my target again and curse myself for stopping after one center hit. I didn't see if I could repeat it. I don't know if I can. I stand in front of it again with the gun pointed at the ground. I wiggle my fingers around the gun's grip and shift on my feet a few times trying to shake loose the nervousness and nausea. I close my eyes and take a deep breath willing my heart beat to a steady pace. I need to be calm I need to be steady. When I open my eyes the sound of firing has stopped and I loft my weapon. I remember the bullet being low when I placed the barrel where it looked right so I move it up a bit and try to remember how hard the kick is going to be.I inhale and focus on the target I exhale and fire the 2 remain bullets in quick succession. Better to get this over with. Tobias didn't wait between shots. The first bullet hits center the second hitting just slightly to the right. It's still within the center ring and I jump up and down when I see it.

“ Start running initiate.” 

Tobias voice sounds amused and i turn around slack jawed and stare at him.

“ What do you mean start running, both those bullets hit within the center ring!”

“I didn't tell you to hit  _ within the center rin _ g I told you to hit center. You weren't focused your second shot slipped right when you blinked.You rushed. If you had taken your time you could have hit center both times. Since you're in such a hurry you can go  _ run. _ ”

I have to grit my teeth to keep from screaming. I can't believe he is doing this, sending me running on a technicality and for what? To remind me that knowing him doesn't mean anything? To make me look ridiculous in front of the other initiates? I'm imagining my fists colliding with his face when he speaks again.

“Do you have something to say?” 

He's taunting me, mocking me. I squeeze my finger tips into my palms letting the now empty gun clatter to the rooftop. Somewhere in my mind I hear a warning in his words. If I talk back right now he is going to make this worse. He’s waiting though with his arms crossed in front of him and something stirring behind his eyes.

“Come on Four she.. “

“Shut up Maybell. I prefer to run alone.”

I cut her off before she can get roped into this too. I keep my eyes locked with Tobias but I silently hope she realizes I’m protecting her. Tobias’s lip twitches towards a smile before it falls back to his instructor face.

“Oh you won't be running alone, you can't leave the compound without supervision yet initiate.” 

I can feel my fingertips going numb from lack of blood flow but I can't loosen my fists without losing control completely. The tension in my muscles is beginning to ache when Tobias turns towards the rest of the class abruptly.

“Did I say stop practicing?”

As soon as he barks out his order the sound of gunfire reclaims all the empty space in my head and everyone attention is back on their targets. Tobias is at my side in a blink and his deep rumbling voice is low enough that I can just make it out over the noise.

“You did well.” 

He walks off to hound one of the candor boys for pointing the gun upward in a way that could easily have put his own face in the line of fire and I’m left alone again. I did well? He reprimands me infront of everyone and then he tells me I did well? What kind of game is he playing. What part of that wasn't a total disaster?  I pick my gun up from the ground and switch out the cartridge before I realize Ren and Maybell haven't begun firing yet. They both look at me with concern but they are smart enough not to say anything. I run a hand through my hair and finally meet their eyes, first Maybells then Rens.

“What?”

I finally ask them when their faces are still twisted up and their lips still pursed.

“I’m sorry I got you in trouble.”

Rens velvety voice soothes my ego slightly. If I’m going to get in trouble at least it was for something that mattered. Maybell speaks up next.

“Yeah Four was a real butt head but I think you handled it well. You didn't even look scared you looked.. I don't know… tough.”

I let out a laugh feeling the tension completely leave my body as a warmth replaces it. Maybells kind eyes look at me in a way I don't think anyones ever have. She looks at me like I’m worth something to her. Like she cares. It makes me want to run away from her and hug her at the same time and I don't know which one would be smarter. I turn back towards my target and glance at the two dopes beside me once more.

“Thanks guys. You look tough too Maybell, that gun makes you look like a real badass. Ren you just look cuddly I think it's your curse.”

They both laugh at my sarcasm before we all settle back into the rhythm of firing. I wonder when Tobias is going to make good on that punishment and if it will be him I have to run with. Right now I think I’d rather pull my teeth out than spend another second with him and that seems like exactly why he would make me run with him. This is going to be a really long day. 


	8. Blood Red, Beat Red, Red Head

Standing in front of the punching bag is the most comfortable I’ve felt since arriving at Dauntless. Here it is much easier to let the world melt away and imagine I am back in Amity letting off steam, preparing, waiting. Initiation doesn't feel like it's strangling me waiting for the moment to cast me away into the factionless where any chance of feeling like I belong somewhere will be gone forever. I Imagine the musty smell of the cabin with its broken windows and dirt covered floor. The cool morning air trickling in to kiss the sweat pooling under my shirt. If it weren't for the dull thump of fists on sand bags I might have believed my day dream. These punching bags are stiff and heavy. The fabrics that holds them is scratchy and rough and part of me wants to stand here and pound on this bag until I can make it burst like the one I made on my own. I think I might break the chain that suspends it before I manage to wear through the fabric. The rhythm of my punches feels like it's sanding my knuckles down and I find myself enjoying it. There is a piece of me that enjoys pain and that piece scares me. Pain is something I can control, it's a tool. I feel like if I master it then no one can use it against me. I don't know what that makes me. 

I feel a cold gentle touch on my left elbow pushing it upward in front of my face. My heart leaps into my throat and I spin around and grab ahold of a dingy gray vest with both of my fists. Eric's Icey blue eyes are steady and his face a perfect neutral. With my tight grip on his chest he is only inches from me. I hadn't even realized he was here. He wasn't when Tobias brought us down from the roof and showed us some basic punches. The same ones I read about in the library all those years ago. I wonder to myself how long Eric has been here and how I didn't notice. His voice screams danger when it travels softly between us.

“Remove your hands”

I drop the hold I have immediately like I’ve been burned and with my chest heaving and my hair stuck to my lip I stand as tall as I can. 

“Don't sneak up on me”

“Pay attention to your surroundings.”

Eric's words are short and blunt each one he says is like a jabbing finger. My eyes are glued to his. This close together I can see that the outer edge of his Iris is a dark blue like the edge of a swimming pool holding in the pale soft waters around his pupil.  

“You might think you were focused on your task but you were unfocused you were letting your body make the swings and your mind was somewhere else. You weren't learning and if you'd been fighting you would have lost. You left your guard down. “

My mind is still reeling from being torn back to reality. I prickle at his accusations but at the same time I realize how true they are. He thinks I wasn't focused and my gut reacts with outrage but my head agrees the vision of my Amity cabin still fresh in my memory. I can't accept his criticism and acknowledge my mistake. It feels too much like letting him win and since the moment I first spoke to him it's been a game of chicken. He tries to intimidate me and I refuse to let him. so I find some middle ground. Neither denying what he said nor affirming it. There is a rasp to my voice from thirst. 

“I'm always on my guard Eric.”

I try to sound as scary as he does the strain of my vocal chords in my dry throat lending itself to the desired effect. There is a twinkle of amusement in his stern expression then his head drops out of my view completely faster than I can blink. Suddenly my feet are no longer beneath me and my shoulder blades hit the mat with a loud echoing thud much heavier than the symphony of our punches. All the air is forced from my lungs and I try to force them to expand desperately but they won't move. My heart races and I think I’m dieing before I manage a small intake of breath followed by a slightly larger one. Staring at the training room ceiling I gasp and choke on air while I try to reconcile this new position with what I just saw. Eric's devious grin reemerges in my field of view as he leans over my fallen form. His hair grazes my face and he whispers again in that menacing and sadistic way.

“If I didn't know any better I’d think you've used a punching bag before.”

I’ve been caught.

I throw my head to both sides checking to see if anyone could have overheard that. Not that it matters the person who would do something about it is the one who spoke that secret aloud. I notice the other initiates are snickering and looking my way. Worse than that Ren who was beside me is looking at me with sympathy along with Maybells concerned crease in her eyebrows. My face flushes red and I throw myself back onto my feet Eric's reflexes are the only thing that keeps us from colliding when I throw myself forward. On my feet again I feel light headed and fix my clothes to cover the shake in my hands. Eric has started to pace the edge of the training room like a bird circling its prey. He creates distance between us before I can do or say anything to defend myself.

“DID I TELL YOU TO STOP?”

Everyone scrambles to resume what they were doing and just like that my moment of public humiliation is over. I reface my punching bag and Swing hard knocking the bag bag a half a foot and meeting it with my other fist as it comes back towards me on its pendulum. 

“Pheonix you okay?” 

Maybells voice only makes me swing harder. I'm not weak. I don't need protection or sympathy. I’m not like the flower girl of Amity who is talking to me in the same tone of voice people always used back home. That voice that says the pity me.

“Shut up Maybell”

Rens voice holds no malice and when I catch sight of him in my peripherals he is looking at me like he is dissecting me. Like he is seeing more than what's directly before him and I want to scream. If he over heard Eric than he could be thinking all sorts of things. There is no point worrying about it. I didn't go to them looking for friends. We aren't even friends really just people with the same goal in the same confined space. 

When we break for lunch I’m exhausted. My shoulders and back ache from the workout and all of my rage has drained leaving me hollow. It would require too much effort to feel anything at all. I settle into my numbness. Accepting everything as it is. I have no appetite so I make like I’m leaving the training room lingering at the back of the group and after the last person leaves I turn back around and take my stance in front of my punching bag again. The more practise the better and now I won't have to awkwardly try and socialize with people I’m competing with. People that might come between me and the faction I choose. 

Before long the ache on my bones is too much and I decide to lay flat on the mat and wait for lunch to end. I haven't been laying here long when the training room door creaks open and Tobias peeks in. He walks directly towards me like he isn't surprised to find me here at all. He tosses me a muffin that I Just barely manage to catch and sits cross legged by my head. 

“Uh, thanks.”

I nibble on a piece of the muffin discovering that it's banana flavored and after one bite I realize I’m actually famished and scarf the rest down. 

“You know most people meet their best friends in initiate training, their boyfriends girlfriends. Something about beating each other to a pulp really makes a lasting bond.” 

I shoot a look towards Tobias and see a soft sort of smile. It doesn't quite reach his eyes but it confirms what I thought. That was humor. I feel a grin coming on as I answer.

“Yeah well, I guess I’m just used to being alone.”

Tobias’s face twists for a moment and he studies his finger nails in silence.

“It’s strange, you remind me of myself. My own initiation. I’m not sure what that means about you...There are things that made me who I am.”

He pauses like he doesn't know if he should continue and I just stare at the training room ceiling in response. I don't know what he sees that makes him think we are at all alike. 

“Do you know why I don’t use my name here? Why I left it behind when I left abnegation?”

“No” 

I’m afraid to look at Tobias, like if I turn to see him he will evaporate and this strange moment will be gone. My discomfort is at an all time high but there is something I crave about human interaction no matter how foreign it feels. Rather than say anything else Tobias sets a piece of paper on my stomach. I shift up onto my elbows and take a hold of it. Its an article that the Erudite published. The headline reads _ ‘The real reason Tobias Eaton left Abnegation. Hidden cruelties and dark secrets of Marcus Eaton’  _ Under the title I see the name of the author. Lucien Blackwood. My brother. I clutch the paper like it's a life preserver absorbing both the words my brother penned and the story of the man next to me. My chest swells with emotions until it feels like it might shatter my ribs. Then as I reached the end of the article something in my head snaps like a rubber band that was held to tight. 

 

_ I’m short. The table I cower under is only hip height for than man in front of me but I'm curled underneath it with inches of space above my head. I'm staring at his gray trousers and plain sneakers. The shadow he casts is long and menacing across the tile of the floor. The room is gloomy like all the color and light has been sucked out of the room turning the once bright yellow of the floor to a dull chalky color. Everything feels faded and blurry a little too far away to reach. I’m in my mother's kitchen wearing my favorite daisy sandals, the ones that broke when I was eight. I’m afraid, terrified but I can't quite remember why. Then his voice wraps around me like a slithering snake squeezing the life out of me and pushing tears from my eyes. _

_ “Yuna. Taking other kids toys is selfish! I’;ve told you what I think of selfishness. It's unacceptable. Worse than that It isn't even peaceful! If your mother were alive she would have been disgusted. She died for you. She died so you can live and this is how you repay her? You don't belong here in Amity. Not with that woman who knows nothing of discipline.” _

_ A hairy hand thrusts under the table to wear I’m hiding and grabs a sharp hold of me. The hand is so big it wraps all the way around my bicep the fingers overlapping where the meet. I’m pulled from my safety and shoved against the kitchen cupboards. I feel my shoulders quaking and the tears falling wet on my skin. _

“Phoenix!”

My shoulders are still shaking and there is wetness on my face dripping across my skin and down my neck. when I open my eyes Tobias is leaning over me clutching my shoulders with so much force his finger tips are turning white. I reach a hand up to wipe away the moisture, feeling ashamed of my tears but when I pull back my hand it’s red with blood. Startled I wipe at my nose with my other hand finding it too is covered in the same sticky bright red blood. I can feel my eyes mirroring the panic in Tobias’s. 

“What happened?”

I spit onto the ground next to me when opening my mouth fills it with snotty blood that tastes bitter and coppery. Tobias has removed his shirt revealing a dark gray tank top underneath. He stuffs the black shirt under my nose tilting my head back slightly. The hand that cradles the back of my head is gentle but firm. 

“You were reading the lovely fairytale that is my life when out of nowhere your eyes rolled back in your head and you collapsed onto the mat. You were out for a minute and fifty one seconds your nose started bleeding at about a minute. You are lucky you were sitting when that happened, Has this ever happened before? Is it some kind of medical condition?”

Tobias is speaking quickly with urgency. His movements are slow and controlled but the way he is speaking suggests his mind is moving much faster. Danger set him on alert and he seems to be searching for the threat. His actions are muddled between Dauntless protection and Abnegation service. 

“I don't know, I don't think so. I used to have nightmares and I’d wake up with a nose bleed but I don't think I ever just passed out like that before.”

When I close my eyes I see the wide hand reaching for me under the table so I snap my eyes back open trying to chase away the ghost in my head. Who was that man. If I’d just stayed unconscious for a little longer I could have seen his face. He said my mother had died for me but my mother isn't dead. She's very much alive and awful probably drunk somewhere in Amity right now. It felt so real but it couldn't have been. Just a memory of a nightmare. Some nonsense dream that was triggered by what Tobias really went through. That thought shifts everything and as he moves around me trying to take care of me incredible guilt spreads through my every nerve ending. He holds his identity close burying it deep and refusing it the power to affect his new life. I’ve heard murmurs about Erudites reports becoming more and more outlandish. Just whispers of conversations back in Amity and a few here. People mostly thought they were rumors. Tall tales.Yet Tobias confirmed this one. Showed that identity to me. I know that if anyone here knew this story was about him. Knew he was the Tobias in the article he would call the story ridiculous and everyone would believe him. He’s so strong and fearless. Imagining him young and afraid seems nearly impossible. I can't even Imagine sharing my secrets. Ones that look desirable next to Tobias’s and yet here he is  disregarding himself completely after revealing himself simply because I needed his help. 

“Tobias.”

My words sound muffled from behind his tee-shirt.

“Tobias!” 

I repeat, realizing when I’ve gotten his attention that now is the first time I’ve used his real name since he told me not too. A spike of fear shoots through me and he freezes in his actions looking pointedly at the mat where my blood is pooled. I quickly try to recover shifting the topic away from him. His vulnerability clearly making him uncomfortable which is a feeling I can understand. 

“My brother wrote that article. Lucien Blackwood. Why would he do something like that. What kind of person just shares somebodies secrets in a public newspaper? He never used to be like that.”

Part of me doesn't know if that's true. What I remember of Lucien is so little, just a few broken memories from before he left. Do I really know if he was like that then? He wasn't even sixteen how much of himself has he figured out anyway? This Lucien is so cold and calculating using someone's pain to defame one of our leaders to insight doubt in the system. One man can be replaced. It's hardly an excuse to start a revolt but that's what the article seems to suggest. The sound of footsteps approaching cuts our conversation to an end. Tobias is tense when he quickly mumbles an apology.

“I’m sorry Phoenix, better this than let them think I’m picking favorites.”

Tobias draws back his fist his strong shoulder muscles dancing under his skin then it's dark. 

When I open my eyes I see white curtains. I’m laying flat on a stiff table with a thin pillow under my head. This may be the cleanest room I’ve seen in Dauntless. As I sit up I feel pressure and tension in my nose spreading under my eyes. Suddenly I remember the training room and Tobias. He punched me. That asshole made me feel bad for him and then he punched me in the face. I stew in my anger for a few moments before the curtain in front of me is pulled back. 

“Oh you're finally awake.”

The voice comes from a woman dressed all in white her hair is pink and wrapped up in swirls that are pinned close to her head. She has a red cross tattooed on her neck and more earrings in each ear than it seems there is space for. She is holding a black clipboard and he pen is pushed through too hoop earrings at the top of her left ear. I cringe at the sight of it. 

“finally?”

I repeat her word as a question.

“Four brought you in her hours ago. I’ve got to say you really didn't get it too bad. The first unconscious initiate of the year usually looks quite a lot worse than you do. You must be doing well.” 

I ignore her prattle weather it's pieces of a story Tobias gave her or her own wrong assumptions doesn't matter. I focus instead on the information I was looking for.

“How many hours? What time is it?”

“Nearly six o'clock.”

I throw the thin white sheet off my legs and get to my feet. Nearly six o'clock? I missed the fights. I missed half a day of training. I try to go past her but she steps into my path. I see on her chest a nametag that reads MEG in all capital letters. Impatiently I try to sidestep her.

“I’ve got shit to do.”

My growl makes Meg giggle.

“Fine fine you can go but you need to leave that bandage on you nose until tomorrow night and you're going to want these painkillers. Its broken. There isn't much we can do about a broken nose. So just try not to get punched in the face again alright?”

The humor in Meg's voice makes broken bones sound like fun and I suppose here fun can lead to injury more often than back in Amity. I snag the bottle of pills from her hadn and shove past her out into the hallway. Remembering what Uriah told me about the hallways being like spokes on a tire I quickly find my way back to the training room just to see everyone exiting the doors heading towards the dinning hall. Maybell leaps up so that she can wave her hand over the heads of the other initates.

“Phoenix over here!”

I steer myself towards her watching as the group of limping bruised initiates parts around Ren likes a rock in water Maybell standing by his side protected from the smack of elbows and shoulders by his sturdy tall form. 

“What happened we got back from lunch and just saw Four carrying you out of the training room. You were covered in blood and there was some on the floor. Four didn't say anything he just wiped his knuckles off on Ren's shirt and kept walking.”

I see a smear of dark brown on the right side of Ren's chest the dingy color of blood long dried. He doesn't have a mark on him. Not a bruise or a scrape. Maybell either. 

“Eric looked pissed when he saw Four carrying you. He always looks pissed through.”

Ren speaks when he noticed me looking at my blood on his shirt. I realize I have no idea what kind of story to tell these two. I can't tell them the truth. Four punched me in the face to cover up that we were just talking about his secret identity that I knew about. I don't think they would believe the truth if they heard it. I just spit out the first story that comes to mind trying to sound embarrassed.

“I didn't go to lunch obviously. I just didn't feel like dealing with all those people so I stayed to practice. Four came and told me it was mandatory. That I wasn't allowed to train without supervision. So I told him to ‘supervise this.’ Then I took a swing at him. I don't know I guess I thought who better to spar with than the instructor. I don't remember anything else so I guess that shows how long the fight lasted.”

Both of Maybells hands are over her mouth and her eyes look like they might bulge out of her head. Ren look skeptical. I don't blame him that story was ridiculous. I tried to play it off of my past encounters with both instructors. I tend to act cocky but what I just described isn't cockyness its stupidity.

“You punched our instructor. For the hell of it.” 

“Sort of?”

I shrug pleading with him just to believe in my poor decision making skills. I don't know what I’ll do if he tells me he doesn't. His doubt is written all over his posture but he doesn't accuse me of lying.

“Well Four never came back and Eric got more growly every half hour he had to instruct us alone. You missed three fights. Coulton v.s Leroy, Laura v.s Oxley and Me v.s Blaze.”

“I don't know anyones names except you two. You were in a fight? You dont have a scratch on you.” 

I sound lame when I try to compliment Ren. Maybell doesn't notice she just nods her head vigorously when she pipes up with helpful information.

“Coulton is the really big Erudite kid who's kind of chubby. Leroy is the lanky dark haired boy from Amity. His mom was an apple picker with my mom. Laura is the Erudite girl who always purses her lips like she's eating something sour and Oxley is one of the Candor twins. Blaze is the other Erudite boy the stocky short one with the really big ego. He was trash talking Ren all class and then when they got in the ring Ren elbowed him in the face once and he was out. Blaze never even touched him. It was am amazing!”

Rens arms are crossed over his chest and he is eyeing me closely again like he did before in the training room. things aren't seeming as friendly between us anymore and I don't know how to fix it. He doesn't move his eyes from mine when he addresses Maybell.

“Maybell can you go save us some cake. I think we have a victory to celebrate tonight I forgot my water bottle in the training room.”

Maybell squeals with happiness clapping her hands and skipping off towards the dining hall.

“I’m going to grab you the biggest piece I can find!” 

Maybells innocence makes my heart ache for lying to her. She didn't doubt my story for a moment. She didn't question it or me. She didn't even judge my fake actions. Maybells is text book Amity avoiding conflict and disagreement is so ingrained in her every behavior that I can't wrap my head around what she is doing in Dauntless. 

“Whats going on?”

I'm still staring after Maybell when I realize Ren is holding his water bottle in the crook of his crossed arms. He has been this entire time. at least I’m not the only one who lies to Maybell. 

“What do you mean?”

“You're not stupid and I’m not either. You didn't try and punch Four. After Four wiped his hand on my chest I saw this on the mats.”

Ren pulls the newsletter out of his pocket. half crumpled where I’d gripped it to hard and covered in my blood. 

“So what does this half to do with you and Four.”

I snatch the article out of his hands and crumple it into a ball. Ren can tell when I’m lying but how do I tell the truth without exposing Tobias's secret.

“My brother wrote it okay? Your old faction is stirring up rumors and telling lies to get people worked up. Its working just not the way they think. A Lot of people are made at the Erudite not the people that they are targeting. Four was pissed that my brother was part of it. We exchanged words. I did try to punch him when he insulted my family and he did punch me and knock me out but none of those other details were any of your business so I didn't tell you.”

Rens shoulders sag a little and his eyes  lose some of their critical gleam.

“I'm sorry, part of why I left Erudite was all this crap they were releasing. True. Not true. It doesn't matter. This drama and rumors isn't benefiting anyone. I started thinking maybe knowledge isn't always good it doesn't always help people. I didn't know Lucien was your brother. He is nothing like you. For example I don't think he would punch anyone to defend your honor. Especially not someone like Four. Maybe I’m wrong.”

Im torn between feeling relieved that Ren bought that half truth and feeling guilty for not deserving his trust. I decide to let my walls down a little to relax into this conversation. Maybe I don't deserve his trust but he deserves mine. 

“Honestly. I don't know if you're right about my brother. I don't remember that much about him or much at all from before he left. Now that I saw what he's doing in Erudite I don't know if what I do remember even matters. I just don't have much family. My mother has always hated me. She could never even look at me without sneering and I think after he left and I was alone with her  I just painted him like some golden hero because I needed somebody to latch onto. I just wasn't ready for that dream to be shattered, Without him I don't have anyone.”

I don't realize until after I’ve said it how alone I really feel. After today I’ve lost every connection I’ve ever had. Ren looks surprised. This is the most we have spoken and it's easily the most open I’ve been with anyone. Maybe ever. Ren has a way with seeing exactly when I need a conversation to end. He throws an arm over my shoulders and turns us towards the dining hall. 

“Well we can be family now. I'll keep track of every embarrassing thing you ever do and choose the perfect inappropriate times to share those stories with strangers just like a brother is supposed to. Now since I’m a champion I think we have celebratory cake waiting for us”

My chuckles bounce Ren's arm on my shoulders and I follow him forward leaning into his embrace a little more than I want to admit. Just as we prepare to turn the corner Eric stalks into view in his catlike way. The echo of his footsteps hadn't even registered before he came into view. 

“There you are.”

Ren and I look at eachother confused before we both realize Eric is looking directly at me. 

“ Four tells me you and I are going running.”

I groan and shake off Ren's arm sullenly. I had completely forgotten about my punishment from this morning. Even after everything that has happened today and knocking me out Four seems hellbent on keeping initiation separate from whatever it is we share outside of that. Apparently a broken nose isn't punishment enough. Ren doesn't seem to want to leave me alone with Eric. Maybe remembering how poorly it went the last time I was alone with an instructor. I try to ease his worry a little.

“Sorry Ren. Eat my cake for me. It is your celebration after all.”

“Yeah alright. I’ll make sure when I puke from eating all that chocolate to aim for your bunk.”

I give him a weak smile and he looks from me to Eric a few times before continuing onto meet Maybell. He looks back over his shoulder once before turning at the end of the hall and when he meets my eyes he shakes his head no. Great now Ren thinks I’m a loose cannon all because Tobias had to go and start me on this train of lies. I had enough secrets back in Amity I was hoping here I could let go of some of that. It seems not. Eric is looking at me expectantly with his arms crossed. 

“You and Ren huh? Thought he had the hots for that little one with the blond hair.”

“If you had gotten here a few moments sooner you’d have heard him call himself my brother.”

Eric lets his arms loose and starts forward leaving me to catch up just like he did this morning. I roll my eyes at his back as I jog back up to walk beside him.

“Why do you care anyway  _ Instructor _ .”

“I don't.”

Eric raises his eyebrows at me like he is daring me to challenge him and I notice how the piercings in his eyebrow stretches slightly when he does so. As soon as we make it outside the compound Eric takes off running. As far as punishments go running behind Eric really isn't terrible. His shoulders are wide and pulling against the stark black fabric that tries to contain them. His gym shorts swing loosely around his thighs occasionally clinging in all the right places. I watch his calf muscles flex and unflex as he pushes away from the ground. My eyes are traveling back up his legs when he turns to run backwards and catches me staring at what would have been his ass but is now his crotch. His words from this morning echo in my head  _ ‘See something you like.’ _ and I mentally answer him this time  _ ‘yes.’. _ His lips are pulled tight like he's trying not to smile as he slows his jog for me to catch up. My face flushes in embarrassment and I look straight ahead of us as I reach his side. Eric taunts me as I pass him.

“You must be out of shape. You are already so red.” 

The way he says it leaves no room for doubt. He wants me to know that he caught me. He’s playing games again and suddenly my embarrassment turns into anger and I sprint forward pushing my lungs and my legs until Eric is far behind me. Now as he realizes what I’m doing and runs after me a thrill shoots through my stomach. I can't let him catch me. Adrenaline pumps through my veins and fuels another spurt of energy. Now the grass we are running through is blurring as I go by. The fence by my side a solid silver streak instead of chain link. My chest burns and I push harder as the ground begins to incline. To my left the ground slopes downward the fence I’m following  runs along the top of a hill. I can't tell the difference between my labored breathing and Erics as he starts catching up to me. The air between us feels like electricity and I know he is right behind me without looking. I try to push my legs harder but my muscles are starved for oxygen and they are beginning to cramp and spasm. I feel every impact my feet make as a pulse of pain in my broken nose and I have to breath through my mouth to avoid making it worse. I have no idea how far we have run or how much farther we are supposed to and I start to doubt making Eric chase me. Maybe Ren is right. I shouldn't be alone with my instructors. Just as the thought goes through my head my knee gives out on my left leg and I go tumbling towards the slope of the hill. Before I make it all the way to the ground I turn and grab a hold of Eric in some pointless attempt to prevent myself from falling. His eyes go wide and the two of us begin toppling over each other down the hill. The longer we are falling the harder it is to tell whose limbs are whose. My hand is still clinging to the front of his shirt when we reach the bottom. the sky is spinning around my head and I try to keep from moving until the dizziness wears off and the sun becomes stationary once again.

When I turn my head to look at Eric his face is frozen in the same shock I saw when I first grabbed him at the top of the hill. Its as if Eric has yet to accept the reality of what just happened and is trying to understand how he got to the bottom of the hill. I let out a high pitched giggle and then another before I wave of deep guttural laughter takes over and I can't even keep my eyes open to see the moment when Eric's expression changes. It does though and when I reopen my eyes I gasp. Eric has placed a hand on either side of my head and his teeth are barred at me in what might have been a scary grimace if his eyes weren't lite with amusement. 

“No laughing. No fun. This is punishment remember.”

His voice is a deep purr and I can feel the heat from his body like a magnet trying to pull me in. My heart's still racing from running but there is a fluttering in my stomach that is both exciting and terrifying. 

“You heard me laughing, what if I tell you it’s because I’m having fun? What are you going to do about it? You’re already punishing me.”

Eric looks wickedly at me for a long moment before bending his arms and bringing his face next to my ear. With him this close to my throat I’m positive he can hear the beating of my heart as loud as I can. 

“Careful Nix that mouth on you is nothing but trouble.” 

My neck feels warm from his breath yet I shiver when he shortens my name. He has only given me a nickname but it feels like he is claiming me.  I hope that noone else ever calls me Nix. It wouldn't sound right without Eric's deep purring voice tickling my skin. When he pulls back up it's obvious he can see how he is affecting me. I’m reminded now that I don't want him to win. The look in his eyes is victorious and I have the urge to take it away from him to deny him any power over me. I stretch my arms up over my head and arch my back towards him as I force a yawn. 

“Come one Eric. Can you hop to it with the punishing or the scolding or the big scary tough guy crap. I’m getting sleeping just laying here.”

I stuff my hands behind my head and wait for him to respond. I can see the gears in his head turning . Calculating his next move and my anticipation builds with every passing second. He sits back on his heels pulling far away from me and pushes himself up to standing. 

“Four said to make you run until you collapse. I think that's exactly what I did. Get back into the compound and eat something before all the food is gone. You skipped lunch.” 

Eric starts a slow jog away from the compound and it occurs to me that Four sent me with Eric on a run he would have been doing anyway. His figure starts to shrink when he turns and yells to me.

“Nice shoes.” 

He’s too far away now for him to hear my yell back and I swallow a hundred different biting replies that pop into my head. Eric. It was Eric. I think of the ridiculous combat boots back in my nightstand and cringe.  _ Of course _ he would pick out boots like that. I remember the sound of his heavy boots this morning drowning out the soft padding of my feet. How did he know that I needed shoes when the last time he saw me that morning he had sent me to go buy clothes. Unless he followed me and saw that I forgot to buy them. Why would he follow me? Why would he buy me shoes even if he did know I still needed them? Why would he do literally any of the things he has done since he met me and why do them with me? I rub my temples as I walk back towards the compound. I’m jumping to conclusions. Maybe he didn't buy me the shoes. Maybe he just wanted to tease me about finally getting a pair. The way that Eric talks is so cryptic he never says exactly what he means but he is always clear about what he is saying. So did he say that to make sure I knew where the shoes came from or did he say it and now I’m thinking so hard about it that it sounds like he said he got them for me when he really just said it to poke fun at me again. 

ENOUGH.

I refuse to think about Eric or the mystery shoe giver or about Tobias and his secret that I’m stuck keeping. I just want it all to stop. I'm in the middle of training to become Dauntless and I’ve spent almost no time on the task at hand and almost all my time worrying about all of this other stuff that won't matter if I get kicked out of here. There wont be any Eric tensions or Tobias secrets when I leave among the Factionless and there certainly won't be any mystery shoe givers. 

I need to find Ren and Maybell. I know what I want to do with the rest of my evening. After six we are free to do what we want after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was super fun to write. I hope you guys like it!


	9. For Your Own Good

The rest of the last night was rather uneventful. After trying to hangout with Maybell and Ren I found it harder and harder to focus. The hands reaching to grab me in my mind along with the sound of the man's voice were following my every thought. It was like his face was trapped in the back of my mind and I just couldn't find it. I know him, I know that I know him but the harder I tried to remember the more my head ached.  Anytime I managed to distract myself I found my mind wandering back to Eric and my creeping suspicion that he was behind the black box. I decided not to mention it to Ren or Maybell yet. I didn't have any proof and I didn't want to be wrong. The two noticed I was distracted and it was growing harder to deflect their questions so I wandered back to our dorm to get an early night's rest. 

Rest escaped me though. Someone was crying all night. It sounded like the Amity boy two bunks over and in the light of morning the puffy redness that surrounded his watery eyes confirmed what I had assumed. I should feel bad for him but I don't. There's no room for tears here and if he keeps me up regularly I'm afraid my sleep deprivation will drive me insane. Just one night has me cranky and volatile. I shoot him a glare as we all get ready and he visibly finches. I'm still distracted this morning but Ren and Maybell chatter together without pushing me to join them. I notice their curious eyes every time they think I'm not looking but I shrug it off and focus on picking at my food. This is the first time I've been in the mess hall at a mealtime and the loud roar of Dauntless dissolves my thoughts like the sound of the chasm , crashing water on solid rock, loud voice echoing off stone walls. 

The room falls nearly silent for a moment and when I look around me I notice Eric has entered the room. I see something like fear in the faces of the people around us and I wonder briefly if I've been too trusting. To me Eric's growls and glares had been part of an act to scare the initiates but it looks now like it's something else all together. He is a leader and a feared one no doubt after that entrance. So am I not afraid of him even now? My eyes roam over him for an answer and my stomach stirs with a wholly different kind of fear.  He looks the way he did yesterday in his sweats and boots. My eyes follow him as he stacks his plate with an enormous amount of food before sitting alone at the same table where we ate together. Today I followed the initiates to a table all our own. I don't know if we are allowed to mingle with the faction yet or if we all just feel too out of place to mingle but either way I hadn't put up any resistance when I was lead to sit here. Tobias sits at the end of our table separated from us by two empty chairs and he doesn't look up when Eric walks in. Ren catches my eyes that still haven't left Eric and I quickly try to cover up that I was staring. My eyes shoot a few tables over and I notice Domino and the Dauntless born initiates hanging off of each other and dangling food over another boy's mouth as he is pinned back against the table. 

“That guy over there. His name is Domino. He helped me get to the compound.”

I don't know why I said that. I think I'd wanted to convince Ren that I hadn't been watching Eric but it seemed my entirely random comment had the opposite effect. Ren just nods his head once and purses his lips. He chews thoughtfully on his muffin and for a moment I’m afraid he is going to call me out. 

“Well then I'm glad. What would we do without your blank stare and total silence.”

Rens sarcasm strikes a chord and I find myself bristling with anger. He didn't have to say what he saw to convey his message and that irritates me as much as it relieves me. 

“I'm sure you'd do exactly what you're doing right now. In case you've forgotten we have to beat eachother up for the next couple weeks and that's going to be a lot easier if I'm not remembering your favorite food while I punch you” 

Maybell awkwardly pushes her muffin away and looks at her bruised and scraped hands. There is pain clearly written in her scrunched eyebrows and tight lips. I know I’m pushing things a little too far and I feel more than see Tobias tensing as he listens. Ren stares me down without remorse.

“Incase YOU forgot we are all here for the same reason. We all have the same goal and I'm willing to take a few punches to find out if I can make it here. I'm pretty sure you are too. What difference does it make who's throwing them. Is it really worth sitting there all miserable pretending to eat your oatmeal.” 

I look at my still mostly full plate and sigh. I remember what Tobias said to me yesterday about making friends and I notice that he is watching me closely from the end of the table. I don't know how to do this. How to be a friend and I'm afraid that if I try I'll fail. I think of the Manifesto and remind myself that fear of a thing is not a reason for inaction. I let out a heavy breath and take a bite of my oatmeal.

“I’m sorry Ren. This is… new. My face hurts like a bitch and I didn't get any sleep with all that blubbering last night. I just don't know how to deal with… anything really”

Ren looks satisfied with my apology and he nods his head pointing at my food and then at me. One bite isn't going to cut it with him watching me and I resign myself to finishing what I served myself. I see Tobias out of the corner of my eye with a half smile on his lips as he slowly chews his food. Maybell is still looking at her hands and I'm surprised when she speaks up. 

“I remember you from Amity.”

Her voice is so high and soft that it's almost completely overpowered by the loud mess hall and I notice Tobias casually leaning closer to hear. The way the words tumbled out of her mouth rushed and compelled seem to prove that Maybell has been waiting to say this for a while. How long I wonder? The hair stand up on my neck when I realize what she has said. I refuse to look at her as the pause in conversations weighs down on us with anticipation or perhaps dread is the more appropriate word.

“Yeah?”

“ Yeah…”

Maybell takes a deep breath before pouring words out as fast as I can follow.

“ Your mom was the shut in. I never saw her but my sisters told me she stopped coming out of the house sometime between your dad dieing and your brother leaving for Erudite. I used to wonder what could make someone hide like that. What would being alone do that being with us couldn't?  When Cindy's dad died her mother was over at my house every night just so she wouldn't have to be alone in her house. She said she didn't like the emptiness. You were always alone too just like your mom. You never came to the bonfires or the singing circles. You barely made it to school. If I ever saw you out of the house you were alone and walking the fields like you were looking for something. I thought maybe being shut in with your mom made it hard for you to make friends . Then one day I saw Jimmy Lambest grab your hand when you were walking the fields and before you'd even looked to see who it was you turned and punched him in the face. It took two full grown adults and a syringe of peace serum to calm you down. After that I figured it out. You were alone because you had to be...or wanted to be. You said you don't know how to deal or whatever but really you just don't know how to let other people deal. You want to take a swing at us once and as while? Fine. This is Dauntless. We can handle that. If we were worried about it we wouldn't stick around. Let us deal with the choices we make.” 

I stare at her with my mouth hanging open and Ren starts snickering across from us. His eyes twinkle with fondness as he looks at her and I notice their feet are close together under the table. Closer than normal. I lock eyes with Tobias and he's leaning back in his chair full on smirking as he chews. He nods at me and then at them. I know somehow what he means. My chest feels tight. I know what she wants from me, what Ren and Tobias want. I just don't know if I can give that to them. Even now my feet want to run as far away from this situation as possible. I don't want to feel bad when I have to fight them. I don't want to feel responsible for their scores in the ranking I don't want to worry about them or us.  So I put my hand on Maybells for a quick moment and with my lips pulled tight I nod at her unsure of what I could possibly say to her after that. I want to say I’ll try or that I’ll do my best but I don't know if that's true or if I just can't face myself if I tell her it's not worth it. She looks at me with sad eyes and for the first time it doesn't make me feel small or weak. It makes me feel concerned. I don't want to be the reason she looks that way. When I realize that I think maybe it's too late.  The clatter of cutlery picks up again when I feel something shift behind me. The chair beside me is suddenly full of sweaty leader and my spoon freezes mid air. A chance a glance and realize Eric and Tobias are locked in a staring match. 

“Eric.”

“Four.”

The tension between them is suffocating and I wonder how I missed it in class before now. These two look ready to murder each other when Eric speaks up again.

“Max says he keeps trying to meet up with you but you don't show up.”

“I'm not interested.”

“So it's a job he's offering then?” 

“You know it is Eric.”

“You can't just humor him?”

“I’m _ not _ interested. “

“It's because of me isn't it?”

“why would you say that?”

“oh come on  _ Four _ you know exactly why. So does Max and he is pissed at me that you're ignoring him. I'm sure you don't care about my job security but I bet you'd be pretty surprised to find out just how important it is that I keep my job.”

“Is that supposed to scare me?”

“No it's supposed to motivate you.”

“ _ I’m. Not. Interested. _ ” 

My eyes had been volleying between the two men as they growled at each other. If looks could kill they would both be dead already. Whatever it is that made Tobias hate Eric so much is enough to keep him from accepting what must be a leadership job. Eric catches me listening to them and glares hard at me. I quickly scoop another bite of oatmeal and focus on the table top with determination. Eric's last words are the most feral I've ever heard him sound. 

“That's too bad.”

He shoves away from the table and stalks off to the doors letting them swing loudly behind him though the noise is mostly unnoticed amidst the sounds of breakfast. Tobias has a crease between his eyebrows and his lips are set in a line as he finishes up his meal and leaves our table as well. 

“What do you think that was about?” 

I find myself asking the question aloud before I can think twice. 

“I heard that they were in the same initiate class. First and second rankings. I guess they are really competitive and Max having them train initiates together was part of a plan to force them to get over it. Doesn't seem like it's working.” 

I nod my head in agreement with Rens words still looking at the door. 

“I think Eric is scary.” 

Maybells eyes are saucers when I look to her again. 

“Scary? Seriously? He's just a guy. I mean if he was in Fours class that means he's 20 right? He's already a leader here and it doesn't seem like this is a new job. So how old was he when he suddenly had an entire faction to take care of? 19? 18? 17? If you ask me I think he's pretty tame under the circumstances.“ 

I don't know why I felt like I had to defend Eric but I didn't like the feeling Maybells words gave me. Eric's not so scary. Not all the time. I'm starting to wish Ren would just say what he is thinking because he's looking at me in that same calculating way as always and my skin feels like it's crawling under his gaze. I have too much to hide. Too much I have yet to sort out for myself and if he manages to figure me out before I can figure myself out  I'm not sure what I'll do. I suddenly feel itchy all over and I push away from the table to quickly banging one of my knees into the metal. I hiss at the impact but move to return my tray throwing a hasty wave over my shoulder as I flee. 

We practise throwing knives again in the morning and my aim is becoming something to be proud of. I notice how quickly my aim is improving and find that nearly every knife lands where I want it too. Maybell is taking to knife throwing better than Ren and I notice how frustrating that fact is for him. He hides it well but the affection that his face always hold for her is dampened when yet another of her knives hits the inner ring when his bounces off the target and clatters to the ground. The candor twins whose names I’ve still not bothered to learn are throwing exceptionally well. What was the one Maybell mentioned yesterday? Olley? Olson? I don't know the difference between them. I’m searching for something to separate them when I notice that they are throwing in sync with each other. A chill shoots up my spin. I don't like them. I don't know what it is about them maybe it's just the freaky twin thing but something in my gut clenches when I look at them and I don't trust them.  I notice both Four and Eric are glaring hard my way for a moment I panic until I realize it isn't me that's gotten them to look so sour but the boy next to me, the Amity boy Leroy fumbling with his knives in shaky hands. There are 5 knives on the floor in front of his target when the one he tosses hits the board handle first it joins them. I flinch knowing what's coming as soon as Eric starts forward. 

“You're pathetic. Two days and this is what you have to show for it. Go. Pick . Them. Up.” 

Leroy looks positively terrified under Eric's stare and I curse him in my mind for his stupidity. You can't be so obvious it just feeds the fire Eric won't go easier on him if he see's his fear. He might lighten up if this kid could grow a spine. Leroy's voice sounds aghast when he looks around him at the knives still flying threw the air.

“While everyone is throwing? No way!”

“Are you scared Initiate?”

Eric's voice is ice cold and I squeeze my eyes closed gripping my knife hard. Don't say yes. Don't say yes. You idiot just pick them up. 

“Of flying knives? Yes I am.”

I let out a breath and throw the knife hard into the board before turning my body and my full attention to what's happening beside me. This kid just fucked up hard core and I know that Eric isn't going to let it slide. 

“ **Everyone stop!** ”

Eric's voice echoes around the room and all the noise of activity and chatter halts abruptly. 

“Four.”

Eric calls to Tobias who looks defeated as he picks up a few knives from the ground and spins them around in his hands dejectedly. 

“Stand in front of the board Amity.” 

Leroy's legs are shaking like leaves as he turns to approach the board keeping one of his shoulders pulled back like he is afraid to turn his back on Eric and Tobias who is holding the knives. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I realize what they are going to do. 

“Four here is going to throw these knives at you and if you so much as blink your factionless. Is that clear coward?”

Leroy's eyes are wide and his lips tremble as snot dribbles from his nose. With all the shaking and sniffling he can't possibly stand still enough. All I can think is that I don't want to watch this kid get stabbed.

“Stop.” 

It takes a moment for me to realize it was my own voice I just heard and when Eric's outraged expression turns toward me I think I may have made a huge mistake. It's too late now. There is no turning back. 

“This doesn't prove anything. Bravery isn't standing still in front of a board. You're asking him to trust the aim of the world's best knife thrower? Hardly courageous.” 

I cross my arms over my chest trying to discreetly wipe the sweat from my palms onto my legs as I move past them. I refuse to look away from Eric though I can feel both Ren and Tobias burning holes into my head with their eyes. 

“You think you know what courage is little girl?”

I clench my teeth and dig my nails into my biceps. I won't honor that jab with words I won't even nod my head I just raise my chin defiantly as the tension in the room threatens to explode. 

“Then I guess you wouldn't mind taking his place. Same rules if you flinch you're both factionless.”

I should have expected this and as I pass Leroy he whispers his gratitude which only serves to fill me with disgust. I don't know why I spoke up for him. He's weak and pathetic and I find it loathsome but I couldn't stand by and watch him be victimized. My mind is still turning over Eric's words as I take his place in front of the target.  _ You think you know what courage is? _ Tobias looks at me with a mix between defeat and affection as he readys himself to throw the first knife. I know I can't flinch or close my eyes but I need to do something to distract myself from the fear that I just told Eric I wouldn't have. I swallow hard and a sweat breaks out on my skin. So I take a deep breath trusting Tobias to be the one focused on the here are now. I start talking slowly and deliberately to put my mind somewhere else.

“We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. We believe in shouting for those who can only whisper, in defending those who cannot defend themselves.”

Tobias’s lips curl into a smile as he nods at me aiming his next knife. I realize that I am reciting the Manifesto from memory when he begins saying the lines with me. I only read it once but just like in school once was enough. The words push out of Tobias  like a grunt as he releases the next knife.

“We believe, not just in bold words but in bold deeds to match them.We do not believe that learning to master violence encourages unnecessary violence.”

My eyes meet Eric’s now trying to shoot all of my rage from my eyes to see if it will melt him or turn him into stone like I feel it should. Tobias and I echo together the next line and I feel the whiz of a knife that lodges directly next to my elbow much closer than the last.

“We do not believe that we should be allowed to stand idly by.”

The last knife in Tobias’s hand hits the board next to my neck leaving a warm tingling sensation behind. When I raise my hand up I find blood on my finger tips. I shoot a glare at Tobias.

“You know Four. I’m getting really sick of you making me bleed.” 

He stands tall flexing his shoulders and retorts just as quickly.

“Then quit drawing so much attention to yourself Pheonix. Every time you open your mouth you practically beg to get knocked out.” 

The way Tobias speaks to me sounds rude and threatening but I cant find it in myself to be offended. If I wasn't afraid of the look on Eric's  face I might have laughed.Eric is absolutely fuming and just as much rage is directed at Tobias as the rest of us when he commands us all to break for lunch. 

“Not you Phoenix.”

He adds that bit at the end before I make it over to Ren and Maybell who were waiting for me. Ren stares hard at the ground his frustration clear as day but Maybell just sprints over to where I stopped walking and clutches her tiny frame around my waist. She's so tiny but her grip is surprisingly tight. 

“Catch up with us okay?”

“Ha yeah If he lets me keep my legs.”

I shoo her away with Ren and when I finally see the door click closed I turn back to Eric and Tobias who are all that remains in the room. I Figure it's better to wait for him to say something I’m surprised when it's Tobias who speaks first.

“Eric can you just blow your top off already? You pissed about something so yell about it or take a swing at me or let the girl go to lunch.”

I start chewing on my nails as Eric's seething anger boils over with just the little prodding from Tobias.

“Shut your mouth Four. I’ll deal with you later.”

He turns toward me now stalking towards me looking ten feet tall the shadow his anger casts larger than life.

“What the fuck was that back there? How am i supposed to teach little shits like that a lesson if you're going to undermine my authority. Do I need to remind you again that I am your leader?”

“No you don't need to remind me Eric, who else could order my instructor to throw knives at my head?”

“I’m not going to warn you again about that smart mouth of yours. You aren't Dauntless yet.”

“Yes I am Eric and that's exactly what you don't like about me. You .Don't. Scare me.”

Eric is less than a foot away from me and his voice is nothing more than a serpentine whisper full of venom and danger. All the trepidation from class is gone, when I face him alone without my friends to see me if I fail I have no fear. 

“Is that so? You looked pretty scared up there Nix. Do I need to try harder?”

This is a test I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I don't know what to say to pass it. I know he wants me to say no. He wants me to bow my head and let him win but I can't. I need to but I can't unclench my teeth to speak. Im being foolish and prideful but the words leave my body of their own accord.

“Why would you bother, there's no point.”

“Well than if you still haven't learned your lesson I’m going to have to think of something you won't ever forget. I have a feeling this will be for your own good.”

_ ‘This will be for your own good’ _

_ ‘This will be for your own good’ _

_ ‘This will be for your own good’ _

_ “This will be for your own good’ _

I don't realize I’m screaming until the ringing in my ears fades to a dull crackle. I don't remember sitting down but I’m kneeling on the ground with my hands on my ears. The sounds coming out of my throat are muffled under the thumping of my heart beat. 

‘ _ I told you never to lie to me Yuna’ _

My vision is blurry around the edges everyone's moving so slowly but each time I blink Eric and Tobias have moved so much. How did Tobias get so far away what's he doing to the door? The way his arms move leaves a trail of color behind him like he has wings. 

_ ‘I’m your father. I’m your family. You will listen to me.’ _

Both of them look like they are upset, panicked. Eric's perfect hair is all tousled and there's blood on his face. Why is their blood on his face? Their mouths are moving but I can't hear the words they are saying. My head lolls forward when my neck can no longer hold it and I see that the front of my shirt and the matt beneath me is pooling with the same sticky red blood I saw on Eric. Where is it coming from? Who's hurt? 

_ ‘This is for your own good Yuna. I won't have my children behaving selfishly,angrily, evilly.’ _

My mouth feels like it's stuffed with cotton and Erics no longer wearing a shirt. He holds my head up and I see Tobias coming back from the doorway shouting something to Eric's back. His mouth is moving so slowly but I can't keep my mind focused on the words. My head feels like its splitting in two like there must be an axe lodged in my skull. I feel a sharp pain like a whip cracking across my back and then it all stops. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone Its MaximumRed here with another chapter for you guys! I'm sorry if its been a little while my job is actually crushing my soul and its really hard to write when I get depressed. I'm starting an acting class soon though so hopefully it will lift my spirits a little and get the creative juices flowing. I hope this chapter does not suffer from my current mindset. I tried to fight through everything and write something I thought was good enough to post. Eric is going to need some explanations after this chapter and Tobias just might be caught knowing a little more than he should. I have a clear plan for how I want this story to go I just need to work on making it get there. Thankyou all so much for sticking with me and to all the new followers I see you in my emails you cuties! Join the comment Party I always give shout outs to my lovely commenters.


	10. Know Your Triggers

 

There are voices near by but I cant get back to them. I know they are important that they are talking to me but I cant open my eyes. What are the saying? I swim through a dark heavy sludge the color of an oil slick. It's so dark as to be black but with the slightest twinges of blue and green flit past my vision as I spiral through it in a dizzying corkscrew. It pulls on my limbs and fills my mouth and throat. I feel it in my ears and I want to claw at it I want to get it out of me but it's too deep and I can't make my arms move. Then air rushes into my lungs like a seal has been broken and my eyes shoot open.

“I swear to god if she dies on my training mats I’m throwing you into the chasm.”

“Wouldn't be the first time you used the chasm to do your dirty work would it Eric”

“Are we really going to start that again. Does it seem like the time for this?”

I throw my body forward I can still feel the sludge in my throat and my ears I gasp for more air. No amount of oxygen will satisfy the fire of panic in my mind. My hands scramble pushing at the remnants of the sludge I can feel on my skin. I have to move.

“Fuck ,Nix don't get up.”

I hear Eric's plea but I can't stop myself from moving as the adrenaline courses through me. I’m on my feet pacing back and forth and clutching myself tightly as I try to make sense of what just happened to me. I lock eyes with Tobias and I can see that Eric's nickname for me was not lost on him, he answers the question I didn't need to ask.

“4 minutes, twice as long as before.”

Four minutes. I was helpless, unconscious, useless for four minutes and I don't know why.  A sound of disbelief coming from Eric helps me keep my attention on the two other people in the room though all I want to do is scream and cry and demand answers from someone, anyone. 

“Last time? This has happened before?”

I ignore him and so does Tobias. The idea of explaining something I can't even wrap my mind around is daunting and overwhelming. I try to push my hair behind my ear and feel something warm and sticky. Bringing back my hand I see exactly what I feared. Blood. I wipe at both of my ears and find more blood. My breathing becomes more shallow and I start to feel light headed. Why is this happening? I feel like I’m being poisoned as desperation sinks its teeth into me.

“Tobias?”

If I wasn't so panicked about the possibility that my brain was leaking out of my ears I might have been embarrassed by how small I sounded calling to him.  Eric is shirtless and I can't remember why. He stares at my mouth hanging open but stunned silent as Tobias walks to me. He stills my hands that are clawing at my ears and neck.  I’m about to ask him if I’m dieing but Eric's voice cuts into this moment again forcing us to acknowledge him. 

“She knows you'r fucking name? She's been here less than a week and you told her that?”

“I didn't tell her anything Eric. Shut up.”

Tobias has a hand on either of my shoulders and his eyes mirror the panic I feel. My skin vibrates like the march of a million tiny ants and I shove his hands away afraid that if he keeps looking at me like that I won't be able to hold the tears in. There is dampness in my eyes already and It will over power me If I don't look away from him. 

“If one of you doesn't start explaining this right now..”

Tobias cuts off  Eric turning on him furiously and jabbing a finger into his chest.

“What do you even care you sadistic bastard?”

“Do I have to remind you who you are talking to Tobias”

The low growl of Eric's voice cracks the dam and they both start yelling over each other. My mind spins only able to pick out a snippets in this uneasy state. ‘Don't use that name.’ ‘I'm your leader.’ ‘You know nothing.’ I watch them pushing into each others chest and I know they are going to have it out right here if I don't do something. They would beat each other bloody and the desperation from before doubles when I realize how alone I’d be in this if they were both incapacitated by their stupid rivalry.

“STOP!”

I can't take them arguing the pain in my head is too much even without the added volume. I can't tell if the broken nose or the episode I had is to blame and I accept that it's probably both compounding into one super headache.  My fists are clenched at my sides and I grit my teeth against the burst of flames yelling caused behind my eyes. 

“Eric this happened yesterday, same time. I didn't go to lunch because I had already gotten in trouble that day and I felt like I needed to work harder.  Tobias wanted to talk to me about how I knew his name and what that name means which is a long and irrelevant story. I was reading something he handed me and I just started having these flashbacks or hallucinations or visions I don't know. I kept seeing this man. Then I opened my eyes and Tobias was freaking out and I was bleeding from my nose.  Everyone was coming back from lunch so he knocked me out and took me to the infirmary.”

Eric and Tobias had maintained aggressive eye contact throughout my little speech both of them refusing to back down. Eric's bare chest and Tobias’s black clad one heave with restrained anger. They are about the same height Eric is bulkier but they are the most even match I’ve ever seen. They stand their like day and night and I see the power that lies in their strong bodies and sharp eyes.

“You fucking punched her in the face? I knew something was up with that bullshit story you told me and when I went to check the camera footage it was just missing.”

“Eric I’ve got this under control. What does it matter to you anyway?”

“What does it matter to me? How about Max is pissed about how poorly last years initiate training went and I’m supposed to be keeping this year eventless. How about she's my initiate too and you fucking knocked her out to save face. You call that under control?  You have a tendency to fuck people up when they figure out your name. I remember vividly just how under control you were then. Maybe you just wanted to keep her quiet. You're deleting security footage I should have your job you slimy little fuck.”

“Stop fucking bickering! Tobias, Eric knows now that some weird shit is going on and he wouldn't be a very good leader if he just looked the other way so you need to deal. Eric he didn't knock me out to scare me and you can't fire him for this he is just trying to figure this out without letting the whole world know that I have some fucking issues okay. I would appreciate the same discretion from you especially when I don't even know what the hell is going on with me, If I’m dying or losing my mind or what.”

Once I say the word dieing out loud my voice cracks and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep the pitiful sound from escaping me. Eric is vibrating with emotion If I didn't know any better I’d say he looked pained. Tobias is alarmingly still by his side his shoulders hunched forward and his face resigned. There is something much bigger than initiate scores between them and I dont have the energy to sort it out right  now. Luckily Eric takes a hint and focus in on the issue at hand. He runs a hand over his face and sighs before locking his fingers in his messy hair. 

“Okay Okay. So you said You were hallucinating? A man? What did he look like? What was happening? Where were you?”

“Uh I um I couldn't see his face. I was looking at his feet the whole time and I wanted to look up, to see who he was but I couldn't. I couldn't control how things went it was like I was observing a recording but from behind my eyes. He was wearing gray slacks and plain white sneakers. His voice was deep and he had big hands. They were soft but his grip was painful. We were in my mother's kitchen in Amity.”

“What would an abnegation man be doing in an Amity kitchen?”

After Eric says it I make the connection for the first time. I feel so stupid for not realizing it sooner. Of course a man in Gray would be from Abnegation. He called me selfish too. Eric is right though he had no business in that setting. 

“The only time they visited Amity was to pick up food to distribute to the Factionless. They aren't allowed to mingle with us though. Not since I was little and the Dauntless guards started enforcing faction separation.”

My gut clenches I can feel more of a connection there than I can put words too. I know there's more I just can't find it in the folds of my mind. The blank spaces in my memory scream so loud in their silence. 

“Shit I can't remember half of my life I don't know if this is a memory or some made up illusion in my head.”  

This time it's Tobias who speaks up.

“ What are your three earliest memories?”

I rack my mind for the answer to that. What do I remember?

“I learned to play guitar. E minor first then G. Ah I think my brother taught me but I’m not sure. I can just see my fingers on the strings and that's it. After that I remember coming home and finding out my brother was gone. All his stuff his pictures. My mother was so angry. After that I remember you.”

I look at Tobias and swallow the lump in my throat. I was 12 when that happened. The class Eric and Tobias were in was four years before mine so I must have been 12.  I was 11 when Lucien left and I have no idea how old I was when I learned to play guitar. I'm turning 17 next month. That's not even half of my life that I can remember. Eric does not seem happy about what I just said his biceps flex against his hands as he crosses his arms over his chest. I realize now that the shirt on the floor near my feet is his and it's soaked in my blood. He hasn't mentioned it. I kneel down next to it and pick it up. Just holding it sends guilt shooting through my entire body. Eric turns the topic away from Tobias and whatever pre existing relationship we have.

“Do you remember anything else about this man? If you can't remember further than 5 years back you might have blocked it out. Traumatic shit sometimes is just easier to forget. “

There's something strange in Eric's voice in that last part and I tell myself I’ll ask him about it later. There are smears and drops of scarlet on the dark blue mats. The overlapping colors make a foul shade of brown and I wonder how many times these mats have seen blood. I close my eyes and the visions flash there again like a flip book or a photo album. I try to remember as much as I can but the headache isn't letting up and I just want to sleep. I try to hold onto the images behind my eyes to grasp at detials.

“I remember him calling me selfish, saying I was angry and evil. He said I was his child but that doesn't makes sense my dad died in an apple picking incident when I was really young.”

“Do you remember that?”

Eric's voice sounds hopeful.

“No No I don't remember it someone told me that. My mother never spoke of him, not his name, not anything. I asked my brother I think. Yeah that's who it was it must have been right before he left. I can see it, he looked so upset when I said I couldn't remember.”

I'm still kneeling, holding Eric's ruined shirt when he sits down beside me. He gets on eye level and takes the shirt from my hands finding a clean corner and wetting it with his water bottle from class. While he talks he starts dabbing the fabric at the blood that's dried on my face. His hands are warm and gentle and I let the steadiness in his movements sooth me. 

“So you blocked some shit out, some super bitchy Abnegation dude in your kitchen. It doesn't explain forgetting everything else. People usually just block out the thing that they need to forget.”

I look passed Eric and see Tobias standing looking torn. His mind working quickly as he stares hard at Eric's hands on my face. Seeing Tobias I remember something else. The words from this last fit.

“This is for your own good.” 

I say it quietly but Tobias reacts as if I had screamed them. His whole body freezes and his eyes bulge. He looks like he has seen a ghost all the color drains from his skin and he doesn't move his eyes from my face for even a second. He stares into me like he can see my every thought.

“What did you just say?”

“It was what the man said this time, It was right before I felt this pain like something was stabbing into my back.”

“Say it again.”

Four is getting his teeth so hard I can barely make out the words he was trying to push between them. 

“This is for your own good.”

When I repeat the words Eric stills looking at Tobias who is approaching us hastily. 

“Get up.”

“What why?”

I see an urgency in his movements that frightens me. 

“Get up and show me your back.”

Eric starts to stand between us as I pull myself to my feet. One of us is already shirtless at this rate we are all going to be by the time lunch is over.

“Dude the fuck are you trying to do, she's been bleeding out of all the holes in her head .”

“Shut up Eric I need to see something.”

I work quickly with shaking hands turning my back to Tobias as I pull my shirt up onto my shoulder blades. I hear a strangled sound leaving both of the men behind me and scramble quickly to pull my shirt back into place. I feel naked and vulnerable. I don't like not knowing what they saw and I frantically demand an explanation. 

“What! what is it? “

Only one word leaves Eric's mouth and it hits me like a punch in the stomach.

“Scars”

Its real, this is real. Some part of me was holding on to some kind of hope. Hope that I was crazy I guess or just delusional. Anything that meant the pain and the fear from those visions was a product of my imagination. Stupid. I’m so stupid. I’m bringing back memories terrible memories that don't make sense, should never have happened and now that I have evidence all  I want is more. More proof. I want to understand. Tobias takes off for the door leaving both Eric and myself standing there confused. 

“Where the fuck are you going?”

Tobias keeps moving and pushes through the doors without even looking back. Eric groans and kicks the nearest punching bag with enough force to send it swinging helplessly for the next several minutes. When he turns back to me the bag swaying forcefully against its chain, his instructor face is back on.

“Go to the infirmary, you're a fucking mess.”

I hear his command but after spending nearly a half hour talking to him about something so personal it doesn't feel right to just fall back into the initiate instructor dance. I crouch down next to my blood and Eric's shirt picking it up delicately and trying to un wad it from the sticky ball its in. My hands are shaking and my knuckles that were already smeared with my own blood are being painted a new darker shade of shame. Eric is suddenly beside me his grip on my wrists is gentle. I can see the restraint he isn't accustomed to using in the strain of his features. He pulls his lips tight between his teeth and puffs air through his nose like a bull that wants to charge. I know I shouldn't push him. I shouldn't antagonize him after dragging him into my fucked up mess of a life. I don't want to go though. The pink haired nurse Meg and the smell of disinfectant. The thought of walking in there on my own too feet for any reason at all seems absurd. There's nothing she can do for me. She can't make my mind stop fracturing. She cant take away the nightmares and ghosts that follow me everywhere. She cant even make my head stop hurting without giving me something that will compromise my fight later. I feel the sag of my shoulders and think of how soft and comfortable my bed would be. If I could just lay there for the rest of my life maybe I’d feel better. 

“Leave it. Lunch is almost over, you need to go change that bandage on your nose.”

“I’m not going to the infirmary again unless you knock me out and carry me there.”

Eric hesitates. I can see how badly he wants to scold me or maybe just knock me out like I suggested but after a long moment his eyes soften and his stiff hands release my wrists. 

“Fine but would you at least go wash your face before the rest of the class gets back and I have to explain why you look like you've just committed a murder.”

There's such a gentleness in his voice right now and it makes me want to scream at him that I’m not fragile, I’m not some weak little girl. I can't let all of this distract me from my initiation. I don't want to risk ending up factionless and losing my mind all in the same month. So I just nod my head and start for the door Tobias just exited. 

“Nix”

When he calls my name I stop walking but I don't look back. I don't want to see the pity I hear in his voice. I want the sharp predatory smile and the words that taunt and tease me. I want him to challenge me. I think it might be too late for that now and it weighs me down even more with the loss. I was so absorbed in self pity I almost missed his next words.

“You've got 10 minutes to get your ass back on these mats and if you are a second late I’m dangling you off the roof by your bra straps.”

I look over my shoulder to make sure I just heard him correctly. As if his last words would be written on his face for me to read. When I see the devilish grin with just the hint of white teeth showing through my own smile splits across my face like thunder. His eyes twinkle just like they did yesterday after our run and I see no hint of the worry and strain that was there just a moment ago. 

“You’ll have to catch me first.”

  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I try to pay attention to the fights. I should be learning weakness picking up on patterns. If I can't learn how to win I can at least learn about my opponents but I can't focus on any one thing for long. None of the people fighting today will be my opponent. My opponent waits on the sidelines with me eyeing me when he thinks I won't notice. Cooper is the name beside mine. The second of the Candor twins and the quieter of the two. That is no comfort to me it serves instead to spread the unease of being ill prepared like butter on my mind furthering my inability to focus and that poor attempt for an excuse is all I have to cling to in the moment. Ren and Maybell are keeping up a running commentary beside me but it sounds like it's miles away.  Ren has his long coppery hair in a bun today. Maybe so that it doesn't get in the way in the fights but It looks strange seeing the defintion of his jaw and the strength in his neck muscles that his hair usually hides. 

On the other side of the fight Eric and Tobias stand and observe. Tobias looks disgusted and impatient while Eric looks bored. Occasionally one of them yells out ‘Get on with it’ or ‘ We don't have all day’. The sounds of punching and grunts of pain circle around my head and submerge me in a well of dread. I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight anyone. Maybell gets called to the mat to fight the other girl, the one from Erudite. Lauren has already fought once and lost to the mouth of the Candor twins Oxley and she looks determined not to fail again. She has a ferocity that can only come from losing and Maybell has trepidation in her nervous bouncing feet.  Maybell looks so frail standing up there and it takes every ounce of strength I have left not to run to her side and protect her. These fights are stupid and brutal. They don't accomplish anything more than the training we already received. Sure a fight against another person is different than a punching bag but we could easily spar without beating each other senseless. We could wear gloves or pads. We could fight until someone taps out but instead we have to bare knuckle box each other until someone's unconscious or spitting out their teeth. Doing something like that even seeing something like that changes you. Maybell will be carried out of her unconscious or walk out a different person and I see now how badly I don't want her to change. The two small girls circle each other hesitantly for a long minute before Eric steps up and shoves Maybell into Lauren. 

“This is a fight not a dance class ladies!”

Maybell stumbles back a foot or so but her balance isn't entirely regained when Lauren strikes for her face. Maybell isn't keeping her hands up to protect herself and she gets hit hard across the temple. She falls back on to her ass with a thump and hollers out in pain. Ren grips my hand tightly I had forgotten that he was here. We look at eachother and I see now that he is just as nauseated by this sight as I am.

“She doesn't stand a chance.”

I whisper to him my doubts and he brushes them off half heartedly. His hand is like stone in my death grip. We anchor each other to this spot and keep our eyes fixed on Maybell.

“She can make it. She has too.”

Maybell scrambles back to her feet but before she's fully upright Lauren punches her in the stomach and then the ribs. Maybell grunts and and gasps in pain as she swings her arms out to hit Lauren. She isn't using her full weight in the punch and it does almost nothing when it hits Lauren in the arm. Lauren sweeps Maybells feet and pounces on top of her throwing punch after punch at Maybells face and torso. I can't watch anymore as my stomach churns. I feel helpless. I can't stop this or protect Maybell so I tuck my face into Ren's shoulder to hide from the pain that I can still hear. Ren raises a hand and puts it over the ear that is turned towards the fight talking behind it to drown out Maybells crys.

“She’ll be okay. She's tough.”

It doesn't sound like he believes it and I think he may have said it more for himself than for me. I squeeze my eyes closed and pray for this to be over soon. Just knock her out. Just finish it. Eric meant to start the fight but he threw Maybell under the bus. He put her into a position she couldn't recover from and I seethe with anger for him. I hear a gurgling sound that makes my hair stand up and some morbid part of me has to look, has to see what's become of my friend. Maybells eyes are moving frantically behind her closed lids and blood dribbles from her mouth. Lauren is still sitting on her panting and smiling with her fists held high but Maybell doesn't move. She doesn't fight or make any more noise and Tobias calls the fight by circling Lauren's name on the chalkboard. It's over and the fact that it happened quickly is both a blessing for Maybells health and a curse for her ranking. I can't decide if I should be relieved or even more worried than before. How is she going to get through stage one or more to the point how will Ren and I get through stage two without her. 

“Phoenix and Cooper step to the ring.”

Tobias calls us forward but my eyes are glued to Maybell. Ren has gone to her. He moved her hair away from her face showing the nasty marks of fist and elbow already blossoming like a meadow of blue flowers across her cheek. As he carries her out I feel a hand gripping my inner elbow tugging me towards the ring but I don't look to see who it is I don't care. Its his nickname for me that finally breaks my trance. 

“Nix you've got to snap out of it right now. You've got to be alert and ready if you're going to win this fight. Are you listening to me?”

His voice is harsh and quiet but its urgency wakes me up and reminds me just how important this fight is.  I try to remember to be mad at him but with each step we take towards the mats my resolve melts a little more. His lips hardly move as he speaks and to anyone else it would probably look like we aren't speaking at all. I give him a small nod maintaining our discretion as we close in on the mat. I can't afford to hold a grudge right now just like I can't afford to dwell on Maybell. 

“You can't be thinking about her right now. You need to worry about yourself. This little twit pisses me off and I’d really like to see you clobber him. Remember to keep your fucking arm up or he's going to hit you right in the throat before you have a chance to do anything. “

Eric throws me forward onto the mat with more force than I was expecting and I stumble falling to my knees clumsily. My pony tail whips forward smacking me across the face and sticking to my lips. His temper is out of control today.

“Alright you know the drill lets see some action!”

Eric claps his hands together and waits for me to meet his eyes. When I do he brings his clasped hands up in front of his face as a second reminder to block. Maybe it's not his temper but his effort not to show me any slack that landed me on my hands and knees before the fight even started. I don't nod this time I know that everyone's eyes are on me so instead I roll my eyes. It's something I think the others might expect that still lets Eric know I understood. I push on my knees to stand up and see Cooper waiting with his fists raised. He's small not a lot of muscle and shorter than me but that means he's probably quick. That advantage is the one I’d normally exploit and right now I don't have a plan B. I’ll just have to be faster. I try to foster in myself some resentment something to drive me into this fight and motivate me but I can't. I have no reason to want to hurt this kid and knowing I can't avoid it is only adding to the weight of my burden. 

I start to bring my hands up and Cooper immediately dives forward to try and catch me before I can block my face. It's a dirty move but I was expecting it. I had a feeling the twins were slimy little pricks. I drop my shoulder down and throw it into his chest forcing him to roll over my back onto the mat behind me. I turn to face him waiting a few steps back for him to get onto his feet. Over coopers body I see Eric shake his head. I know what he wants from me. He wants me to go after this kid at every moment. To never let up and until he's bleeding and broken but I can't do that. I won't do that. I shift my weight around on my feet my nerves buzzing with fear. I see something like desperation in Cooper's face as he throws a hard right hook. I catch his fist with my forearm and duck under our arms to get behind him. I sweep his feet again knocking him to the mat buying myself time to think. I don't want to hit him but I'm going to have to. I can't out run him forever. I can't rely on blocks, ducks and sweeps. Its defensive and it's not going to help my ranking. Cooper lunges for my legs trying to knock me down so he can hold me, pin me to the mat, I wasn't ready for it but I manage to jump just far enough to the right to stay on my feet. That was close and I can feel my luck running out. I have to do something quick. 

He's at my side now and I realize my arm is dropped to low. He has an opening and he sees it. He strikes hard for my throat hitting me in the wind pipe with enough force to send black dots through my vision. If I hadn't removed the bandage closing off my nose before returning to class I'd have had no way to breath right now. Trying to breath through my nose is painful still and a surprised gurgle climbs up my damaged windpipe, my throat feels like it's caving in. My body responds without my mind bringing my elbow up and then back down across his nose knocking his face into the knee that I’m already raising forcing his chin into an elbow and knee sandwich that makes a sickening crack noise before the room falls into complete silence. I am capable of brutality, good at it even and I don't feel proud.

An anvil settles in my stomach pulling me to my knees in front of Cooper who lies motionless on the matt. His jaw is at an unnatural angle and If I’d eaten lunch I’m sure I’d have lost it now. His face is slack and his hair sticks to his forehead with sweat. He looks like a sleeping child and a heavy sob seizes a hold of my ragged windpipe. Oxley is at his brothers side talking and clutching at his twin, there is no one here for me. Ren is probably still with Maybell in the infirmary and neither Eric nor Tobias can step forward now in this room full of people. There's noone to tell me I had to. There's noone to pretend to feel happy for my win. There is only silence and in that silence self hatred. I came to Dauntless because I wanted to be strong, I wanted to protect people and free myself from fear. That's not what I’ve done here today.

Tobias yells that we are dismissed and I’m on my feet before the words have finished leaving his mouth. One glance around shows me more than I wanted to know. The others are staring at me with a mix of astonishment and hatred on their faces. I just exposed myself to them as a threat and it didn't go unnoticed. Before I was a smart mouth, someone you write off for over compensation. Now though I’ve painted a target on my back and so I leave looking for a way to outrun myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! Like always I'm so glad you're here reading this as I post chapters. I re-read the book series and rewatched both movies ( not a fan of the creative liberties taken in those) I tried to inspire myself to write some more of what I had stenciled out. In the scene where Tobias and Eric throw knives at Tris I just adored their chemistry. Morbid creepy assholes who can only get away with what they are doing because they are so badass. I have plans to incorporate some more Eric and Tobias scenes. I have a need for their dynamic. There is so much story left to tell!


	11. A Phoenix Rises

I wanted to go check on Maybell and when I left I had every intention to do so but I couldn't bring myself to go anywhere near the infirmary knowing Cooper was there too. Knowing I put him there that I played into this sick game made me feel sick. I want so badly to stay here to belong here but if belonging here means hurting people for no reason other than being told to I may need to rethink my priorities. Maybe this is part of being Divergent. I can't fit in here I can't be just Dauntless. Part of me is kind still like Amity. I remember the words of the manifesto the belief that learning to master violence does not encourage unnecessary violence but what I just did was unnecessary. I didn't need to break his jaw I didn't need to hurt him. I did it because not doing it didn't seem like an option. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I have to do it to earn the chance not to do it. My head is spinning with these thoughts and before I know it I’m standing in front of Tori's tattoo parlor. 

I have been meaning to get a tatoo but they seem so permanent. If I don't stay here, if I fail initiation I’ll still carry with me the proof that I tried. At first that seemed like a bad thing like my failure would be broadcast on my skin but now it seems like so much more than that. Like having this mark is like a scar. It says that I was here and that I survived. I know what I want to get and when I step into the empty parlor I lock eyes with Tori for the first time since my testing. The look on my face must have said something to her because she locked the door behind me and ushered me into the back room.

“Yuna are you alright?”

“It’s Pheonix now.”

My voice sounds flat and dead when I correct her and Tori’s angled eyes squint at me critically for a moment before her lip quirks into a smirk and she nods for me to sit down. 

“Why are you here?”

“I want a tattoo”

Tori seems hesitant and I know now that I’m sitting here that the tattoo isn't the only reason I came. I need to talk to somebody and since Tori already knows one of my secrets it seemed better she know all of them than to spread it around.

“Oh? Is that all?”

“No”

Anticipation starts building in my gut. I don't know how I’ll even being to explain what's been going on and I can see that Tori is guarding her expression. She crosses her arms over her chest and tilts her head back so that our eyes can meet.

“Look if this is about that thing we discussed you should know better than to come here and talk about it. I warned you that it was dangerous and I thought you were smart enough to understand just how serious I was about that.”

I roll my eyes and push my hair out of my face. My divergence has barely crossed my mind in the last two days. Only surfacing briefly between everything else. There is so much I’ve had to deal with and being Divergent isn't my biggest problem anymore. I wish all I had to deal with was feeling different.

“No it's not about that. Look I can go. I just thought.. I don't know what I thought.”

I start to stand and leave. Coming here seeming so pathetic now that Tori's disinterest has been made so obvious. Tori doesn't let me finish standing though she lightly shoves my shoulder back knocking me back into the chair and pulls a rolling stool up beside me.

“Well first things first what are you thinking of getting tattooed?”

This part is easy. I know exactly what I want I just don't know if it's something Tori can do on the fly like this. 

“I want an Amity tree burning in Dauntless flames and from the top of its branches I want a Phoenix spreading its wings. Across my shoulders and down my back. “

Tori leans her body back raising her eyebrows at me in surprise.

“Well that is a hell of a first tattoo. It's going to be painful getting a tattoo over your spine. I don't have a sketch prepared do you want me to free hand this right now or do you want to make a plan to come back?”

“I trust you.”

I pull my shirt over my head as I say it turning around in the chair so my back is facing her. I need this to be done now. I hear the click of her tongue as she gathers up her supplies onto a silver standing tray at my side. I decide to start in on the conversation since I’m not sure how easy talking will be once she starts and there is a lot to get out of the way.

“There's something wrong with me Tori. I mean other than what you already know. I can't remember anything from before I was 11. Well what I can remember is fuzzy and broken and lacks detail. Almost all of it is stuff people told me happened not really my own memories. Like I know that my dad died when I was little because my brother told me when I was 11. I should remember him I should remember that happening but I don't. I can't even remember what he looked like or what his voice sounded like. I’ve started having this weird visions like nightmares that just hit me in the middle of the day. Awful things that feel so real but they couldn't be they just don't make sense. What I’ve always believed and what I’ve always been told don't line up with these things that feel like memories and every time they happen I start bleeding from my ears or my nose and I get these awful headaches. I'm scared. I dont know whats happening to me.”

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted after I admit that I’m afraid out loud but Tori's silence settles a new discomfort into my gut. I shouldn't be afraid and Dauntless don't talk about it when they are. I needed to say it though I needed to admit it to myself more than anything else. I hear the buzzing of her needle and before she starts speaking a sharp pain starts at the base of my spine.

“In Amity did they ever give you peace serum? I don't mean the bread I mean did they ever inject you with it in its full potency?”

I let out a humorously laugh before nodding my head once. Tori is too focused on my tattoo to see it so I clear my throat and verbalize it for her.

“Yeah an unfortunately high number of times at least in the years I can remember”

“I was injected with it once. It made me incredibly happy. Everything felt like it was made out of clouds and I spent 45 minutes rolling around in the grass giggling about nothing and telling everyone I saw how much I loved them. Needless to say I was pissed when it wore off and I remembered what I’d just been doing. Now tell me, is that what it was like for you?”

I scrunch my face up to avoid reacting to the pain of the needle as I feel it pass over the vertebra in my back. I remember seeing other people acting the way Tori described It was always so obvious that they were doped up and I usually spent more time wondering what they did to get dosed than paying attention to how they acted after.

“No actually. When they gave it to me I just sort of felt nothing. Some part of my mind was really angry but it was quieter and it felt nice just to ignore it for a little while so I did. It was sort of like floating. Nothing mattered and that was okay. You have to care to be angry. So I stopped caring for a little while and just relaxed. I remember one time I just climbed and apple tree behind my house and stared out over the fields to the fences. I watched the Dauntless guards walking around for maybe two hours. I didn't think about anything or do anything I just watched them. It was so peaceful.”

Tori wipes at my back with something cold and damp before her needle replaces it again. She doesn't say anything for a while and I start to think shes zoned out on me but before I can prompt her she has started speaking again.

“Every faction has a serum. The Amity have peace Serum, Dauntless has the Fear simulation which you will encounter soon enough. Candor has truth serum which is brutal trust me you never want to try that one and Erudite has the aptitude testing simulation. Abnegation has a serum too but I’ve never heard of it being used on anyone for any reason. They have a memory serum.”

Tori's voice gets very soft nearly becoming lost in the buzz of her needles and I have to strain my ears to hear her.

“I knew what you are because of how you resisted the simulation. Your mind isn't as easy to influence as others. The peace serum did not make you giddy it made you neutral. I’m sure you'll find that the fear simulation isn't the same for you as it will be for the rest of the initiates. So supposing you were given the memory serum it's a pretty safe bet that it wouldn't work on you as well as it does other people. This is all a big maybe. Like I said I’ve never heard of it being used before and I can't imagine who would have used it on you or why but it’s the only explanation I can see. If it is the truth then you need to be even more careful than you were being before. Someone doesn't want you to remember something and if you do remember they will know what you are.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. Memory serum. The Abnegation man in my kitchen. What did I see that needed to be wiped from my mind. Was I a witness to something terrible?  Did I find out something I shouldn't have? I was a child what harm could I possibly have done with any information I may have had? I try to focus on the dull pain of the needle to keep myself steady.

“Tori the memories that have been surfacing are of an Abnegation man in my kitchen. Do you think he could have been the one who wiped my memory?”

“Seems probable.”

This is a lot of information to take in. If being Divergent means resting serums then maybe Tori's right maybe even a serum as powerful as a memory serum cant work on me fully. If my memories are coming back now then soon enough I’ll remember whatever it is that I was meant to forget. Toris moved up to the center of my back at this point and the ache has a strange way of making me feel alive. 

“Can I ask you something?”

We had been sitting in silence for nearly twenty minutes when Tori's voice breaks through my thoughts again.

“You just did.”

I try to crack a joke to cover the nervousness her question brought on but neither of us laugh. I wish I could see her face. Watching people's expressions and postures has become so important to how I react that being without it makes me feel lost. Amity trained me to see through people's masks. I know what to look for how to see what people are really saying but it's impossible with Tori behind me and I don't know what to expect from her right now.

“Do you remember how you got these scars?”

I had forgotten about them since discovering they existed only hours ago. I don't know what they look like how many there are. I just know that they must look awful to get such a reaction from Eric and Tobias. I hadn't considered it when I choose the placement of my tattoo and I wonder now if they will still be visible after the fact. 

“No, I actually didn't know they were there until Four and Eric found them today.”

Saying Four instead of Tobias still feels strange to me. I found out that Eric knows his real name after I slipped up today but I don't know who else knows. I can't make that mistake again with someone who doesn't have that information. I was lucky last time. I don't think I’ll get that lucky again.

“Four and Eric? As in both of them, together in the same place?”

“Yeah. I’m starting to realize how bad that mix is.”

“Were you in class?”

“No it was lunch. Eric was pissed at me for being a smart mouth in knife practise and he was pissed at Four for something I don't really know what. Maybe just going along with me or whatever. He held me back after class to bark at me about undermining his authority and all the usual scary tough guy stuff he likes to say. 

He said something though. A phrase that triggered one of my flashbacks. I passed out and when I woke up they were both freaking out. I told them about the phrase, hearing it after I passed out  I mean  obviously they already knew Eric had said it and I told them about how I felt this pain in my back when I passed out. Four got really worked up demanded to see my back and I’ve never seen him act like that so I just did what he said. They told me there were scars and that's when I first started realizing maybe this wasn't all in my head. Maybe there was something real about these visions.”

“Have you seen them?”

Toris question makes me uncomfortable .There are at least 3 people now who have seen them and none of those people are me. It's a weird thing to know less about yourself than other people. It feels like a violation of privacy to not be the first to know something like this. 

“No”

Tori hands me a small mirror and positions it above my shoulder. She pulls up a second mirror and holds it so that I can see the reflection of my back. The tattoo she was working on is nearly finished the only remaining part is a half colored bird across my shoulders and it's beautiful already even without being complete but that's not what makes my breath catch. The tattoo is large covering a majority of my back starting narrow at the bottom and becoming wider by my shoulders. It doesn't however cover the scars. There are long raised stripes of pinkish scar tissue in x’s across my back. They are everywhere and the tattoo stretching over them is like a sheer curtain in a window. You can't see things as clearly but the light still gets in. I put the mirror down unwilling to look any longer. How could I forget something like that. Memory serum or not those scars are proof of real pain. The kind that imprints into your mind so deep that You can't ever scrub it out. I push my face into my hands and wait for Tori to finish up the tattoo so I can get out of here. I suddenly want nothing more than to be alone. I’m surprised when she starts talking again without picking up her needles.

“Look I probably shouldn't get into this anymore than I already have lord knows I don't want to end up at the bottom of the chasm but there's something I think you should know. I do a lot of tattoos around this place and I’ve seen a lot of scars but there's only one person I’ve ever worked on that has a back that looked like this.”

“Who?”

I feel impatient for her answer even though I already think I know. It seems so obvious but I need to hear her say it. I need to have someone other than myself put this connection into words. It won't feel real until then. I can't trust my own mind right now but I can trust Tori. 

“Four.” 

Tobias. The boy from Abnegation. The boy who walked across the stage like he was in pain, his loose fitting clothes hanging from his thin frame in ripples of gray. His thin cheeks and deep hazel eyes looking at the knife in his hand like a life preserver tossed to him at sea. He knows the pain I can't remember. He showed me the article. The one Lucien wrote theorizing about the atrocities that were hidden in his home. How can we share these scars. How could what happened to him have happened to me too? There is a sharp pain in my temple and I wince gasping loudly as I clutch my head.

“Really? Usually people complain about the spine and you don't make a peep until I’m working on your shoulders?”

I realize that Tori has resumed my tattoo and I shake my head trying to clear it so I can answer her. I feel like I’m pulling on a string. Like If I could just keep my grip on this tiny thread I could unravel everything but it's slipping from my grasps already just out of reach. 

“No it's not that. It's my head. “

Toris pauses for a moment wiping at the ink on my back before continuing with the tattoo. I’m growing frustrated with myself and I let out a long sigh.

“Your head? 

“Yeah whenever I’m close to remembering something or whenever I do remember something my head hurts like there's an ice pick in my ear. I had a thought, for a second I was following it but I lost it. It's infuriating.”

Tori sets down her tools and taps me on the shoulder. 

“You're all done and Pheonix , be careful. I know you want to remember I would too. It's just ...It’s a really dangerous position you're in. If your scars and Four’s have anything to do with each other then it's even more important that you stay safe. He's lost enough already.”

I don't know what to say to that. The possibilities are overwhelming and the drive to find out everything I can isn't at all quieted by the knowledge that I could get hurt or killed looking for answers. I can't tell Tori that. The concern in her features shows me that she will get in my way if she thinks she has too. I need to keep her out of it. I can't come back to her like this again. From now on I’ll have to do this on my own. I just nod my head and pull my shirt back on. 

“Thanks Tori. For everything. Do you know where I can get my hair cut?”

There is doubt in her features and I know that she is questioning my sudden change of spirits but I just smile at her and wait for her answer. She finally nods at me with tight lips and tells me that the shop next door is a the hair dresser she goes to. 

 

An hour later I feel like a new person. I went on a point spending spree. I don't know how many I had to begin with but I haven't been turned down yet so I just kept going. I feel this need to control who I am to make decisions about myself and who I want to be and the only thing I could come up with to feed that need was a complete makeover. I don't want to be Yuna I don't want to look like her and after everything today I don't even want to think about her anymore. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been a lie. I don't know who I was but I know that who I am now is completely up to me. Yuna is dead and Phoenix is going to bury her right now tonight. 

I'm still going to look for answers but not because they change who I am. I’m going to look for them because someone out there doesnt want me to and I don't like being controlled. I don't want anyone making decisions for me and whoever did this to me whoever took away my memories thinks they have that kind of power. They have no idea how wrong they are. The first thing I needed to change was my hair It's been the same for as long as I can remember which isn't that long but that's neither here nor there. It's always been long and thick and red just like my mother. Watching Nadine cut it felt amazing and as I stared in the mirror I realized that the red color I’ve always had was just another part of the lie. I have roots growing in. Since coming to Dauntless I haven't spent much time looking in the mirror but I can see now that there is dark brown all along my hairline and my throat feels tight with understanding.

My mother was a part of this whole thing. She had to be. Hair grows in and if you dye it you need to continue touching it up every couple months. I have no memory of ever dyeing my hair. I don't know how she managed to do it. She couldn't have done it in my sleep I would have woken up.  She couldn't have wiped my memory every time because I wouldn't remember anything from the last 5 years if she did. Somehow though she kept my hair color a secret from me. I feel so used. If she managed to do something like that all these years what else did she do?  How can I know what's real if something like my hair color was kept from me for so long. I asked Nadine to match my color to my roots. I told her I just didn't want to keep up with dyeing it anymore when she insisted that the red looked so nice. She didn't question me and I tried not to show just how emotional I was feeling. Next I shaved the sides of my head leaving the length in the center so that when my hair is down the change is unnoticeable. I usually keep my hair in my a ponytail and when Nadine is finished that's exactly what I do with it.  The result is something much more Dauntless than I thought I could ever look. 

With my hair dark I feel like I’m finding pieces of myself,I no longer see my mother in my reflection. I don't know who she is I never did but now I’m beginning to wonder if she's even my mother. The man in my waking nightmares said that my mother was dead. Was he telling the truth? Is the woman I’ve called mom and the house I lived in even really mine? I don't know how to find out without drawing attention to myself so I put it on the back burner while I go to get a piercing. I decide on two an eyebrow piercing and a tongue piercing. One that the world can see and one that I can keep to myself. Neither of them hurt all that much and the man who does them for me seems surprised by my lack of reaction. The last thing I want to do is get some new clothes. Not fighting clothes but clothes to wear outside of class. The shop I wander through has all sorts of flashy dresses and slinky skirts but they all seem too impractical. Eventually I find what I really want. I buy 4 outfits but I leave the store wearing one of them. The one I wear is a black loose fitting shirt that hangs straight across my collar bones and has three quarter length fitted sleeves but has no back whatsoever. The fabric swoops by my waist and hangs loose at my sides held on by the sleeves and waistband exclusively. With it I wear a pair of black leather leggings and as I walk out of the shop I can see the reflection of my back tattoo in the glass store front. I drop my stuff off in the dorm but Ren and Maybell aren't here and I fight the guilt coiling in my stomach. I still feel too restless to stay still for long. I decide to wander the compound until I feel tired enough to go to bed.  I’ll just have to apologize to them tomorrow. Hopefully they will understand. 

Its getting late and my mind is still on high alert when I wander past the chasm for the third time. This time though I’m not alone. Eric stands by the edge of the chasm with a bottle in his hand staring down at the crashing waves below him. One side of the path has a railing the other does not and of course it is the side that offers the least protection that he has chosen to lean over. I see a slight wobble in his posture and I eye the bottle in his hand suspiciously. Its nearly empty and I’m fairly certain he's drunk. 

“What are you doing?”

My voice startles him and my gut clenches when he wobbles a little too close to the edge when he  moves to look at me. He eyes me silently for a moment before his eyes light up with recognition. I must look different and I feel satisfaction spreading warmth through me. He gestures loosely to the water and his speech is slurred when he speaks.

“Ya know, jus’ flirting with death.”

I don't know what possessed him to come here alone when he was so drunk but I know that asking him to back away from the edge isn't going to work. Knowing Eric it will only make him want to stand there longer. He’s stubborn and if he thinks I want something he isn't going to give it to me. I rack my brain for a way to get him away from the edge. Something I can do to make him want to walk away from it himself. I decide maybe the best way to do it is to piss him off. He expects it from me and when he is trying to intimidate me he usually tries to lean over me to try and make me feel small. So If I can get him to walk over here and get in my face I’ll be able to get him away from that ledge before he falls into the chasm. 

“Well if you’re feeling so flirty I’m right over here.” 

I wait for his reaction with my heart in my throat. I just need to get him over here but part of me is afraid of the rejection that he will undoubtedly dish out. It's worth it though to protect him from himself. I know how stupid alcohol makes people, How volatile they are and how they will make decisions that they would otherwise never make. I saw it in Amity all the time with my mother. I cringe at the instinct to call her that. I don't know if that's true anymore but I don't know how else to categorize her in my mind. Eric looks startled for the smallest moment before he stalks right up to me just like I’d hoped for. The relief is short lived though because as soon as he is in front of me leaning into my space I know what's coming. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and see the way his reactions are slowed and his eyes are glassy. 

“Why?”

My brows pull together in confusion. That isn't at all what I was expecting. I thought for sure he would yell at me. Remind me for the hundredth time that he is both my instructor and my leader. If not that then he would certainly laugh in my face tell me to keep dreaming. I don't even understand what he is asking so I just stammer out my response as quickly as I can.

“W-what do you mean why?”

“Why aren’ you afraid of me? Everyone else is. Mos’ a them would’a shoved me off the edge jus’ cuz they could. I don’ get it. Nothing I do scares you.”

He is standing so close to me that I can feel the heat from his body wrapping around me. I was standing with my back to the rock wall when he walked over and now the hand that isn't holding the bottle is pressed next to my head against the wall. If it wasn't there holding him steady he might fall into me with the way his balance is impaired. He looks frustrated and I see now that refusing to let him win or little game of chicken was affecting him more than he let on. I wonder if anyone has challenged him like I have since his appointment in leadership.  I know he wouldn't say any of this if he were sober but seeing him without his guard up is too tantalizing to ignore and I need to keep him talking to me. I just hope that he's too drunk to remember my answer when I start saying it. 

“You’re wrong. You can scare me. Not in the training room not when you're trying to scare me but just now standing by the edge of the chasm like that. I was terrified.”

I don't mention that talking to him like this is scary too. I don't want to give him any reason to stop and I watch his face closely as he absorbs what I just said. There's a vulnerability in his features right now that I know he doesn't want me to see. He doesn't let anyone see his weaknesses not since I’ve been here at least but right now he's either too drunk or too hungry for answers to hide it. 

“Why did you have to come to Daun’less?”

He sounds angry now his eyes are hard as they rake over my face. The rejection I was waiting for still stabs me like a knife. Expecting it couldn't change that. I remind myself that it's worth it to keep him safe before I answer him as nonchalantly as I can.

“Obviously I came to Dauntless because I wanted to ruin your life by keeping you from falling onto some very pointy rocks or worse jumping onto them.”

He hasn't moved away from me yet and the longer he stand here the more desire I have to lean into him. The cold stone pressed into my exposed back is practically pushing me into the inviting warmth of his chest but I can't make that move. It will send him running and I need to make sure he gets back to his apartment or to a place where other people can watch him. I need to keep him from doing anything stupid. 

“I wasn' gonna jump. ‘m  no coward.”

“Well jump, fall either way your pretty little head was about to get cracked open if you wanna say that you’d have died the brave way by drunkenly stumbling to your death that's your business.”

I know I’m really pushing him but I can't stop myself. I want him to react I want to see what response I can get from him and just like the tattoo or jumping into the Dauntless compound that first day it makes me feel alive. He leans his face even closer until our noses are nearly touching and his face looks conflicted. I catch myself staring at his lips with the three silver rings wrapping around the left side of his bottom lip. My breathing gets short and nervous and I can hear the puffs of air he is pushing through his nose echoing mine. His voice sounds raspy and raw when he speaks again.

“Why should you care if I live or die Nix.”

His eyes search my face probing me to tell him what he wants to hear. I suddenly understand something I hadn't noticed before. Eric is lonely. He's a leader that everyone fears. He sat alone in the cafeteria, people clear the halls when he walks through. In our training he is at odds with the other instructor constantly. I’ve never seen him with anyone other than Max and as Eric seems to have hinted their work relationship isn't exactly friendly. My voice evades me for a long moment as I look at the ice blue of his eyes shining with more heat than I’ve ever seen in them before. The cold hard look he always wears has been discarded and I have to clear my throat before I can answer him.

“It doesn't matter if I should. Just that I do.” 

Eric lets out a shaky breath and hesitantly lifts his hand from the wall bringing it along side my jaw before letting it rest against the curve of my neck. His eyes roam all over my face and his eyebrows are pulled together in concentration. My skin burns under his touch and I instinctively put my hand on his hip feeling my pulse jump as the desire to touch him is finally realized. 

“You’re playing with fire.”

His words are a warning but the ache in his voice nearly breaks my heart. There's nothing he could say in this moment to make me think he didn't deserve someone who will meet him halfway. I don't know why Eric is so isolated and I don't know if it's of his own doing but the need I see in him reminds me of my own. I don't know how to be close to anyone but I want to try. Standing here It doesn't seem so impossible. Even more than that I want to be the person that Eric trusts. I want to be the one that proves him wrong every time he makes assumptions. He thought I would be afraid of him and I’m not. He thought I wouldn't care and I do. I want to defy all  his expectations and I want him more than I think I want anything else.  It scares me but here at Dauntless when something scares you you just have to run straight towards it. Eric's thumb strokes along my jaw and his forehead presses into mine. I don't know what to say to him to make him understand. Suddenly I have an idea brought on by the nickname he has given me. Our voices are so soft between us it feels like speaking too loudly might shatter this moment and bring me back to reality. I don't want this to end. So I whisper back to him again.

“What's my name Eric? I like Nix when you say it but what's my whole name.”

He looks confused but he answers me anyway just as softly.

“Phoenix.”

“Right? So do you think I’m afraid of burning?”

Eric looks at me wide eyed and for a moment I’m afraid I didn't say the right thing. I don't know how to interpret his silence. He looks like he is fighting himself and I don't know what it is he's debating. My heart is racing and I'm about to apologize when his lips crash over mine. The small amount of space that was between us is suddenly gone as he presses into me without restraint. I gasp against his mouth but the surprise is completely overruled by my body's immediate response to his. I grip his cotton shirt in my fists trying to pull him even closer. Our lips move feverishly together and I can feel the need radiating from him mirroring back my own. The cool metal of his piercings is soon warmed by painting breaths and the press of my lips on his and I don't want this to ever stop. His hands flutter lightly over my shoulders hesitant to really touch me. I need to feel this to feel something good and I have never felt anything this good in my life. So I grab his wrist and pull his arms towards me. He gives up holding back and his warm hands wraps around the back of my head pulling my ponytail loose and weaving into the hair that still remains there. His touch is strong but gentle and I can feel the small tremors in his fingers pulling lightly on my hair. Our mouths finally part and we both gasp for air. The panting breaths between us settle after a moment and I try to remember how we ended up tangled against the wall in the first place. The sound of quick footsteps shatters our moment and Eric jumps away from me leaving me cold and feeling empty. 

“Go! Go now!” 

Eric's harsh whisper wakes me up and I quickly start walking the way I came. I hear the sloshing of Eric bottle as he starts off in the opposite direction then I hear a familiar voice.

“Eric I’ve been looking everywhere for you. We need to talk about Cooper.”

It's Four, now that I’m around the corner I slow my pace so I can catch what Eric says in response.

“Did you talk to Meg?”

All the drunken slurring and haziness his voice held before seems to have been washed away by nearly getting caught. He sounds alert and fierce like always and Four doesn't seem to notice anything unusual. I strain my ears to hear more about Cooper. Whatever is happening to him is my fault. I need to know. 

“Yeah, She had to wire his mouth shut. There's no way he can fight again. As it stand he is ranked near the bottom. The only thing that kept him in the race was his aim with a knife. Now though. I don't know. Finally fights are friday that's only 2 days away. He won't be ready then and he can't move on without winning at least one.”

“That's it then isn't it? Hes out.”

Eric's voice holds no sympathy and my gut twist with guilt. Cooper has just been left Factionless and It’s my fault. Before I can get too lost in the guilt I hear  Four say something I didn't expect.

“What about Phoenix?”

“What about her?”

“You saw her after that fight. If she finds out that Cooper's done what do you think she will do? I cant see her taking it well. With everything else going on with her It's just going to make things worse.”

I hear the sounds of Eric's boots moving back and forth like the swing of a pendulum. He’s pacing and for a moment noone says anything. I have my hand over my mouth to quiet my breathing when Eric finally speaks up.

“We can’t tell her. At least not all of it. Obviously she's going to know he's gone but she can't know why.”

“What do we tell her.”

Four doesn't sound like he likes what Eric’s saying but he doesn't disagree. Instead he sounds resigned. 

“We tell her he left. Tell her it was too much for him or something. It's happened before. People leave when things get tough and it’s the only thing I can think of that she might believe.”

“I don't know if I can do it Eric. You're the better liar maybe you should do it.”

“Fuck you Four you think I want to lie to her? She's probably the only person I don’t want to lie to.”

There is a tense silence now and I hear the sound of Eric growling then throwing his bottle against the rock wall. The tinkling of shattered glass hitting stone sounds almost like rain.

“What do you mean by that.”

Four's voice sounds dangerous and low. I can practically see the suspicion in his face and I lean my head back against the stone wall squeezing my eyes closed as I listen. Eric was sobered up a bit by the urgency of the conversation but his brain to mouth filter isn't completely free of the alcohol and what he just said is proof of that. I wait to hear Eric’s response but I don't. Instead I hear the heavy clump of his boots coming closer to where I’m standing and I look around my frantically for a place to hide. There's nothing just rock walls I only hear one set of footsteps and I pray that I’m right that it’s Eric and not Four  I know I am when I hear Four call to Eric who will be turning the corner and discovering me any second. 

“Eric! This conversation is not over.”

“ Yes it is Tobias.”

The growl of his voice is so near when he responds but there is no point running he will see me. Four will hear me and so much more will be discovered if that happens. There's nothing I can do. Eric turns the corner surprise ghosting over his face when he finds me standing there. I square my shoulders and look at him. I know what he was planning, I know he was going to lie to me. That they both were. he looks guilty and he stops walking to stand in front of me with slumped shoulders.  I'm so sick of lies I’m so sick of not being able to trust anyone. I can't trust my memory I can't trust my instructors there is no one to turn to. That's fine. I don't need anyone but  the new me I’m creating.  I spit on the ground in front of his feet and walk off leaving him to stare behind me. I’m going to the infirmary I need to see Cooper myself before he's gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm home sick which is icky but it meant I had free time so I have another chapter for you already! I hope you like it. I haven't heard back from you guys on the last one yet hopefully this one will be more discussion worthy! Id love to hear what you guys think is going to happen. What you think of how I'm writing Eric. Tobias too. I've read a lot of stories and seen a lot of different interpretations of them. I just hope mine feels true to the characters from the books. After the finally fights there will be visiting day and stage two. They still have to go and play war games. There's so much still to come! I cant wait to get it all out there for you guys. I hope the chapters aren't still appearing with missing chunks of sentences. Ive talked to the IT people about it twice and they have yet to explain to me why its happening or how I can fix it. When I re read my old chapters and see pieces missing it really bothers me. Anywhoozle. Thank You if your still reading and as always feel free to message me or comment I really do want to hear from you guys.
> 
> Yours truley MaximumRed


	12. Making a Molehill out of a Mountain

I hadn't thought beyond going to the infirmary. Now outside the infirmary door I find all my determination and indignation faltering. I don't know if Cooper will be awake at this hour or what I could say to him that wouldn't just add insult to injury literally. I wait with my hand hovering over the doorknob for a few moments hoping that inspiration or understanding will bloom in my mind but the panic and guilt aren't creating fertile grounds and I let my hand fall back to my side. I press my head to the cold wood of the door and squeeze my eyes closed. I can do this,I need to but I can’t move towards entering the room. 

 

I feel a presence behind me and I know who it is without looking. There's only one person it could be. I dont have the energy to talk to him right now but I force air from my lungs anyway. My words are mumbled and lethargic. 

 

“What do you want Eric? Actually don't answer that I couldn't believe what you said anyway.”

 

I know I’m being combative and difficult but I honestly don't know how to be anything else. He kissed me he showed me a softness that melted away everything I feared and then he betrayed my trust. In the span of ten minutes I gained and lost the person I thought might really understand me and I can't let him that close to me again. I can't let anyone that close to me again. 

 

“It's easier if you open the door first”

 

His voice is deep and cold, nothing like the way he was speaking to me by the chasm. He has put his walls back up just like I have and the distance between us feels unrecoverable. 

 

“I’m working up to it, why did you follow me?”

 

I still can't turn to look at him. I know that if I do I’ll lose any ability I have to stand my ground. I hear the rustling of fabric as he shifts his stance behind me. I focus on the noise to try and steady my heart beat.

 

“I knew where you were going. It’s going to be hard to deal with this Phoenix. Harder still to look at it. If you were anyone else I’d probably make you go in there just to see what it does to you. You're not just anyone though... or so I’m realizing. I know you're mad about what you heard but if you could see where I’m coming from you'd know why I wanted to protect you from this.”

 

I have to turn around now as the outrage transfuses under my skin sending new life into my frozen limbs.

 

“I don't need your protection! I don't want it! That decision wasn't yours to make. I’m sick of being lied to. Everything I’ve ever believed about myself and about my life has been a lie. I’m not even a redhead and as trivial as that detail is it was part of my identity that I never had reason to question and now I’ve found out that it was a just another part of the elaborate illusion built around me. 

I did this Eric. I put him in there and I made him factionless. That is real. That is part of who I am now and its part that I can trust to be true. I’m going to have to live it with because I remember it. You can't protect me from who I am or what I’ve done and the fact that you tried to is insulting.“

 

The pitch of my voice got steadily deeper as I finished speaking my piece. Seeing his face is just as difficult as I knew it would be. He stands before me stoic and guarded and The ghost of his kiss is still fresh on my skin. The contrast is dizzying and I don't know now how I want this to turn out. He shifts his weight around uncomfortably on his feet and pushes air out through his nose. When he speaks again his hand is absently rubbing at the back of his neck.

 

“Your right.”

 

The words don't pass through his lips easily and the intensity with which he studies the stone floors only makes him seem more wounded. Eric never agrees with me. Most of what we have said to each other has been challenges and one ups. Anything to prevent the other from winning. I don't know what to think about this but I can't help feeling suspicious. I fold my arms over my chest and wait. I won't say anything to that. I won't let him manipulate me. He lifts a hand to run through his dark shaggy locks at the top of his head and I see the rubber band he took from my hair wrapped around his wrist. My heart aches like it's reaching for him I squeeze my arms tighter around my chest. 

 

“Look I’m not going to apologize. If I could do it again I’d do it the same way and it's important you understand this about me. I have done terrible things Nix. I have to live with those memories and they will follow me for the rest of my life.Your mind is a blank canvas. You've just started to paint the picture of who you are of what you want to become and you're trying to fill every inch of space with regrets. Do you honestly want to remember getting those scars? Don't you think that maybe you're better off not having to relive that kind of pain over and over again. What about this shit with Cooper? Why are you trying to do this to yourself now? Your an initiate you did what you were told why do you insist on taking responsibility for it? It's not a burden you want to carry. The longer you live with it the heavier it gets. Not the other way around.”

 

I study the ground by his feet while I digest what he said. Eric is hinting at what everyone else fears about him. The things he has done that he doesn't want to remember. I want to ask him what they are but I know without trying that he isn't going to tell me. If he wanted me to know he would have been more specific than ‘ bad things’. He thinks I'm being masochistic that I’m seeking out unnecessary pain. He’s wrong I’m seeking out the truth whether its pretty or not. I am not afraid of the pain that comes from seeing the underbelly of life. I’m afraid of being the fool who can't see it until its crushed her. 

 

“Eric, You're looking at me but you're only seeing yourself. You think you can spare me whatever it is you torment yourself with?  You think that just because you're my instructor you can say I wasn't responsible for what happened today and I’ll just believe you? I could have told you to fuck off and not fought. I could have evaded him for longer until he was too tired to fight. I could have done a hundred things differently but I didn't because they never occurred to me. Not until he was laying on the ground by my feet. Underneath it all I am ruthless and I have to accept that. I don't have to like it but I have to see what I really am if I ever want to make it through initiation with my mind still intact. 

You think you’d rather forget but you don't know what it's like to feel this empty. To be so detached from everything around you, everything that's happened to you. I have to rely on the people who knew me for every piece of information I have about myself. Can you even imagine only knowing who your parents are because you were told, then having to figure out years later if that was the truth in the first place? I’m not looking for pain I’m looking for answers. I want to understand the pieces that add up to Phoenix. I want to see the outcome of my actions. I want to know something for  _ certain _ just once in my goddamn life.There is no hiding from reality. Ignorance is no comfort to me. Most importantly you can't carry my burdens for me. You cannot take responsibility for my actions I don't care if your my instructor and my leader.”

 

A small smile plays on the corners of Eric's mouth as he looks me over. His devious knowing eyes are cast in shadow under the glow of the blue light above the door. 

 

“You sound like an Erudite. Knowledge is always best, ignorance is harmful. You sure have a drive for answers. Especially for someone who keeps insisting to me that they are ‘already Dauntless’.”

 

My heart races. I need to be more careful I’m giving away my Divergence without realizing it. All I’ve been doing the past few days is searching out information feeding on knowledge and it never once occurred to me that Dauntless wouldn't do that. Before I can try and cover for my slip up Eric begins speaking again.

 

“Look you want to go in there and see Cooper you're going to need my help. Visiting hours are over. Meg is a brutal woman and she will throw you out on your ass if I don't walk in there and tell her not to.”

 

“What's in it for you.”

 

“Why do I have to have an ulterior motive?”

 

“Because your Eric and everything you do is calculated and significant”

 

He doesn't respond right away and I think I’ve caught him when he shakes his head at me rubbing at his chin thoughtfully.

 

“If everything I do is calculated then what was the significance of what just happened at the chasm.”

All the air in my lungs escapes me and I fix my eyes on the ceiling. I had tried to steer clear of this in our conversation. I don't know what to say or think or do about it and I need more time to decide. He is looking at me expectantly like he wants me to understand and I can't ignore him without losing. Here we are again competing with each other for the upper hand. Maybe he does this deliberately and if he does it's incredibly effective because I start answering him without an answer in my mind.

 

“I’m not stupid. What just happened wouldn't have if you were sober. You let your guard down and I pressed your buttons to see how I could make you react. I don't even think we’d be having this conversation now if you weren't still a little tipsy. I dont think it meant anything to you just a temporary solution to your continual loneliness.”

 

For the smallest of moments he looks wounded then as if it never happened he is walking passed me and into the infirmary. His voice is saturated with pure Eric venom once again.

 

“Well since you're so smart let me know when you figure out my motivations for this “

 

His voice may be controlled and icey but his movements are heated and quick. The heavy door crashes open as Eric wraps his strong hand around my bicep pulling me in front of him roughly and throwing me loose into the infirmary. Before I have a chance to catch my balance he is behind me again shoving me forward forcing me to stumble into a stone counter top smacking my arm against its unforgiving edges. I hiss in pain as he barks out orders behind me.

 

“I said move initiate. You don't want to fight anymore huh? Let's see if you still feel that way after this. You want to know what it looks like to be factionless little girl? Do you want to see what will happen to you if you give up like a coward.”

 

Meg comes bustling out of the back of the infirmary with purpose she looks half awake and disheveled. Her eyes are wide with panic and anger as she storms up to us.

 

“What in gods name do you think you are doing barging in here at this hour Eric?”

 

“Remember who you are talking to Megara. I have a sniveling little initiate who needs to learn a lesson. Do you intend to get in my way?”

 

Meg looks like she'd rather skin herself than let Eric get what he wants but she must know better than to challenge him because she steps out of his way and glares daggers at the back of his head. When her eyes fall on me they fill with sympathy. She obviously doesn't have the slightest idea that Eric is doing all of this to help me. When I don't follow him Eric comes storming back over to me. He wraps a hand around the back of my neck and leans to whisper in my ear.

 

“Wince like you're in pain then stumble forward with me. “

 

I let a sharp hiss pass through my teeth and try to walk forward as if I’m delirious with fear. I feel like a fool but Meg stares at the floor in disgust so I must be a decent actor after all. As soon as we enter the small curtained off cube where Cooper is sleeping Eric releases me pulling the curtain closed behind us with a sharp flick of his wrist. He taps his ear and then points out of the curtain and I know that he means to tell me that Meg can still hear us. Eric peeks between the curtains and I watch him watching Meg. I can't look at Cooper yet I’ve come all the way here and I’m still not ready. If it weren't for Eric I’d probably still be standing outside the door helplessly. He turns back towards me and nods.

 

“She's gone back into her office. She's probably going to be mad at me for at least a week. She hates when I’m mean to initiates in her infirmary.” 

 

“Gee what a pity.”

 

My sarcastic mumble is met with a sharp glare.

 

“I have exactly 5 people in this entire compound who aren't afraid of me. One is my boss and two possibly three of the remaining four hate my guts. Meg actually tries to treat me like a person and I didn't just piss her off on a whim. So if you can't appreciate that then at least have some respect.”

 

“Am I one of the 5 people you listed?”

 

“Yes”

 

“So am I that ‘possibly three’ gut hater?”

 

Eric doesn't say anything he just looks at me defiantly. 

 

“Do what ever you came here to do. I’ve got shit to do.”

 

He throws himself into the chair that sits beside Coopers bed with as much grace as a bag of bricks. Following his movement lead my eyes to the unconscious boy that's been here the whole time and the knife blade of guilt twists in my abdomen. He looks so fragile laying under the white sheet before me. His skin is almost as pale as the opaque liquid dripping into his veins. I can see the alien shape of metal behind his lips the wiring that hold his jaw together in the wake of our fight. There is a hole in his throat where a tube protrudes like a snake leaving his esophagus. his eyes are closed and I see the thick lashes laying against the bruises under his eyes. His face is so swollen that he hardly resembles his twin. I hadn't thought of it before but I just separated these brothers. I lean against his bed rail forcing my eyes open to witness what I’ve done and I have to swallow the lump in my throat several times before I feel I can speak. 

 

“I’m a monster.”

 

“We all are.”

 

“Is this what it means to be Dauntless?”

 

I need him to tell me that there is more to Dauntless than this. I need to hear him say that it will get better but as silence stretches between us my hope dwindles.

 

“You just have to hold onto your reasons. When you do things that you don't think you can live with it's why you did them that matters. There are monsters in every faction.”

 

He sounds like he is speaking from experience and I want to believe him. I want to be able to let this go but I’m still looking at the fragments of the boy in front of me and I can't wrap my head around anything that could justify this. 

 

“Tell me, why did I do this Eric?”

 

“Because you had to. It was you or him and you choose to survive.”

 

I let out an indignant laugh. The disgust I feel only slightly lessened. He's right that I chose to survive to stay here at Dauntless for another day but that's all it got me. Tomorrow I could be the one in this bed and then I’ll have done this for nothing. 

  
“That's selfish and cruel and if I don't make it then it won't have mattered”

 

“Good, then you have motivation to keep going. Make sure it matters. Besides this isn't abnegation and cruelty is in the eye of the beholder.”

 

I let go of my pain for the briefest moment when he misquotes Amity in such a Dauntless way. I let out a single breathy chuckle but it feels cathartic and I look up at him to correct him.

 

“Beauty.”

 

“What?”

 

“The quote, it's from Amity. Its beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

 

Eric looks confused but then he disregards my statement choosing instead to examine his finger nails.

 

“Yeah well Beauty is for apple pickers and banjo strummers, I made it Dauntless.”

 

“That you did.”

I feel a sense of closure settling in the room. The beeping of machines and the drip of liquids becoming a soft melody of peaceful acceptance. Cooper is going to be okay physically, as for his life with the factionless I can't say but I can't make it my responsibility to worry about him. There is too much else for me to think about. I have to stay here I have to find out who I am and why my memories were erased. I need to find out what all of it has to do with Tobias and I need to find out how to do all of this without exposing myself as divergent. I take one last long look at Cooper before I stand straight again. Eric sees my movements and stirs in his seat.

 

“We can go, I think ..’

 

Eric looks hard at me for a moment and then nods at me to leave in front of him. When we exit the curtains Eric throws them back into place with all the aggressive flare he had been using earlier. Meg is peeking out of her office with a scowl on her face and Eric turns and dramatically bows to her before storming up behind me on the way to the exit. She doesn't know what an act that all was so the full importance of that bow is lost on her. I remember what he said about Meg being something like a friend and I push down the instinct to thank him for risking that for me. He was going to keep this from me. This just makes us even. Once outside the infirmary Eric turns to follow me towards the dorms. 

 

“Aren't your leader apartments or whatever back the way you came?”

 

“Yeah they are.”

 

“So why are you walking away from them Mr.‘I have shit to do’”

 

Eric sucks one of his lip rings into his mouth but doesn't say anything as we keep walking I start to grow impatient. If he is trying to protect me again, walking me back to the dorms because he doesn't think I can handle it myself I’m going to loose my temper. As we turn the corner Eric grabs my arm and pulls me into a rock alcove that's dark and damp and untouched by the lights cast in the hall. There isn't much space here and he looms over me in the close proximity though I can't see his face to know what he is thinking.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

 

“Calm down, there are cameras all over the compound I needed to get you away from them.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“You pulled me into a crack in the wall to ask me if I’m okay?”

 

He sighs heavily and leans even closer to me in the already cramped space. I can feel the heat of his breath ghosting over my ear where his head hangs close to mine. A drop of frigid water lands on my shoulders and follows the curve of my arm making me shiver. My heart is in my throat again and I’m starting to think spending time with Eric is too much for me. 

 

“If anyone saw what happened back at the chasm we could both be in a lot of trouble. Hopefuly this new look you have going on was enough to keep anyone from noticing who you were. So yes I had to pull you into a crack in the wall to ask if you're okay.”

 

His voice has grown soft again in a way I’m coming to associate with my Eric a completely different person then the one who barked at Meg or the one who stalks the training room floors. I take a moment to find my voice.

 

“Yeah. I will be okay.”

 

Eric's hand trails across my jaw and comes to rest under my chin. I can't figure out how this is what my life has become. He lifts my face up and searches my eyes with his. I try to look determined to seem put together but I can feel the frayed edges of my mind unraveling under his gaze. I want him to see someone comparable to himself but I don't think that's something I can be. Eric buries the things he cares about and I can't seem to stop thinking about mine.

 

“You don't have to be.”

 

His words are almost a question. He's giving me the chance to feel everything I’m trying to lock down. Permission to let go of the strength I’m clinging to. I can't though because If I loosen my grip I don't know if I’ll be able to get ahold of it again. Then I really would be the feeble girl he sometimes accuses me of being. So I just rest my hand on top of his and nod my head.

 

“Don't go to sleep.”

 

“Why?”

 

The fatigue of today's emotional rollercoaster is pounding behind my eyes suddenly. Like mentioning it gave it all the power it needed to step into the limelight.

 

“Because in about an hour I’ll be waking up all the initiates for a little surprise training. You can nap if you really want to but I always wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep.”

 

“Well thanks for the tip. Isnt this technically cheating? Not that I’m opposed to insider information.”

 

Eric's jaw grows tight and his hand on my face drops away heedlessly. The distance he has just created sends a spike in my heart beat. Before he can draw away any further I grab ahold of his vest collar. 

“Woah wait wait. I’m sorry I was kidding I didn't mean to imply that I’m here to try and skew the rankings or anything.” 

 

I attempt a laugh that only exposes how nervous I am. His arms hang limp at his sides and his face is turned to the darker side of our little alcove. His chest moves in short tight breaths and I search his posture for any indications that I need to let go. He turns his face back towards me and I’m struck with how beautiful he looks when he lets me see his emotions. His eyes are brimming with questions but he just chews on his lip ring thoughtfully. Finally he speaks again but in a soft emotional rasp. 

 

“Outside of the training room I’m not an instructor. So when you want help getting through initiation that's where you’ll find it. The rest of the time …I can't...” 

 

He trails off and I blurt out the first words that pass through my mind without even considering them. 

 

“You're much more interesting when You're Eric.”

 

“What?”

 

He looks genuinely baffled but I see his rigid shoulders soften just the smallest amount under my grip.  I look at the steady waters of his eyes and try to keep up my momentum. I have his attention now and I need to use it for something.

 

“Eric the instructor has one purpose. To put as much strain on the initiates as he can, to break the weak ones and push the strong ones. Eric the person is gentle and conflicted and strong and reserved and hesitant and brash and .. and .. I just … Keep trying to figure him out…”

 

“Sounds very Erudite.”

 

Eric's joke sounds a little deflated. We lock eyes and his have no fewer questions in them. I can't answer him. I can't let him know why exactly that keeps happening. Some part of me is afraid that he already knows. 

 

“Is there anything you want to to tell me Nix?”

 

The sound of Eric's voice is so inviting that I almost answer him automatically but I swallow the words down and shake my head no sharply. He could be asking about our relationship I try to comfort myself but part of me still knows he could be asking about my aptitude. Neither answer is safe. 

 

“Well , in that case. I really do have to go prepare. Four is probably having a bitch fit that he can't find me.”

“Yeah? We wouldn't want that.”

 

“No we wouldn't.”

 

Our eyes are still locked and I’m not even sure what we are talking about anymore. Eric leans forward just a hair and joins our mutual space even more. His nose brushes against my cheek and I freeze. I'm afraid that if I move he will startle like a wild animal. I try to control my breathing and wait to see what happens. Eric puts one hand on the side of my neck and tucks my face under his chin. 

 

“Wear your sneakers.” 

 

Then just like that he's gone. His figure retreats around the corner at the end of the hall before I’ve even moved out of the alcove. I run my hands over the soft buzzed sides of my head try to get a grip on my life. I have an hour to kill before I have to be around Eric in front of the others. I need to gather myself up and prepare for that. So I walk back towards the dorm slowly. I have a lot to think through. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really think this chapter turned out well but I was stuck on it for so long I decided just to say fuck it and throw it out there. I set it up for the next chapter to have a very guided story. The games will allow me to stress less I think. Ill try to keep posting if you guys are still out there reading.
> 
> XOXO RED.


	13. War Games

At some point on my walk back Eric’s words Began settling around me and with a crashing realization. He had told me  _ ‘wear your sneakers’ _ which at the time I hadn't thought about. It seemed like good advice and I had been too focused on Eric's unexpected concern. The reality of the matter is I always wear my sneakers. In fact the only people who know about the combat boots in my side table are Ren, Maybelle and the mystery gift giver. That suspicion I had after our run seems like the only possible answer now but it just gives me more questions. Eric gave me these shoes, that much I am now certain of but how did he know I needed them? When Eric left me in the cafeteria that morning it was with the advice to go and get new clothes. Which I did. He should have expected me to get shoes while I was at it if he even expected me to listen to him at all. I forgot the shoes and somehow he knew. Something else Eric said was _ ‘there are cameras all over the compound’ _ Cameras like the one Tori was worried about in the aptitude testing room. So either Eric followed me and knew I forgot my shoes or he watched me on the cameras and saw that way. How else could he have known? 

I sat on my bunk in the dark thinking about that for a long while. Puzzling over his knowledge of my shoe size and the mechanics of beating me back to the dorms that morning. My skin felt like it was crawling and I couldn't keep from fidgeting. Eventually I decided to change into workout clothes to busy myself, it doesn't take me long to toss on some cotton leggings and a tshirt and then im stuck idly waiting once again. The longer I sit on my bunk the more tired I feel so I opt for standing next to it. Just as I start to feel like a creeper silently standing here while all my dorm mates sleep I feel a sudden urgency or hyper awareness. It's too dark to see much of anything but I can see the silent shape of Maybell on her bunk the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps I can sense the presence of everyone in the room and something feels off about it. I decide that I should get out of here immediately. As I step around the bunk to make my escape the room is flooded with harsh white light and the echoing clang of metal on metal crashes between the cavernous walls around me. I can feel the vibrations moving over the floor and through my whole body. I squeeze my eyes closed and cover my ears fighting to block out the jarring racket. A moment later while the noise refuses to die down I peek open one of my eyes. I see nothing but chaos erupting in the room. Eric and Tobias stand mischievously in the doorway Tobias with his hand still on the light switch and Eric wailing again on the metal pipe that runs up the wall with an aluminum baseball bat. The initiates that had been sleeping are in all different states of complete panic. Some of them on the floor wrapped in blankets as if the noise had physically thrown them from their beds, others are frantically searching the room with eyes as wide as dinner plates. I'm the only one standing dressed and alert and I see the confusion on Tobias’s face. Tobias doesn't just look confused though he is as pale as paper. Staring right at me like he's seen a ghost. I nervously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and endure his stare. The moment is finally broken when Eric speaks up.

 

“Initiates you have five minutes to meet us by the train tracks or your cut.”

 

Then just as suddenly as they appeared both of our instructors are gone and a fresh wave of panic has the room bustling about. Everyone is yanking on sneakers and tearing through drawers grumbling vulgar things they want to do to Eric with his baseball bat. It almost makes me laugh before I notice that Ren is looking right at me or should I say right through me . He's dressed and ready but I can't be sure when he noticed me. If he saw how I had been ready at the start he's going to ask questions. I can never tell what Ren knows and that's terrifying. I start to squirm so I look for something to busy myself and catch Maybelle's hurried movements to my left. She's struggling with nervous hands to tie her shoes so I bend down and make quick work of the shoe she isn't currently tieing. Her hands freeze and I look up into her face from my crouched position. I see the blue across her cheek has shifted into a shade of violet around her eye and that her bottom lip is full and puffy. Even beat up she's still beautiful. Her hesitance at my touch makes my gut twist. I don't want her to change. I don't want her to become guarded. I don't want her to fail initiation either though so I bite on my cheek and give her a weak smile. I slowly remove the laces that still remain between her immobilized hands and after tieing the second shoe I lean back a little on my heels. I try to sound warm and encouraging when I speak to her but I'm not sure how it turns out. 

 

“Come on Maybell we better get to the tracks”

 

She doesn't say anything but she meets my eyes finally with a short nod. Ren is waiting for us by the door when we reach it and together the three of us are the first to leave the room. We make quick work of jogging to the tracks only to find the Dauntless borns are already here playing around and shoving each other off the platform. The night air is crisp on my skin and it makes me feel alive. I try not to let myself miss home as I push my feet through the dew covered grass beside the train tracks.  Eric and Tobias stand tall with their arms crossed watching for the train.  They stand exactly alike in exactly the same position with their feet spread wide and their chests held out. Like two angry statues trying to out grump each other. I trail my way up behind them with Ren and Maybell in tow and wait with anticipation for what's to come. The transfers are starting to trickle their way in as Eric asks Tobias a grunt of a question.

 

“How much longer”

 

Tobias rolls his eyes checks his watch and answers.

 

“Any second now, when are you going to learn the train schedule Eric?”

 

Eric snorts

“Why would I learn the train schedule that's what I have you for.”

 

Tobias seems unamused but Eric's eyes dance with impishness. Ren and Maybell exchanged worried looks and I feel them move closer together beside me. I'm glad that they have each other for support. God knows how much I’m not giving them . The large spotlight on the front of the train flickers into view and it tolls its whistle only once as it approaches. I hadn't known the trains ran so late. Who would be using them at this hour? It doesn't slow down at all on its approach and the group of us take off running behind our instructors trying to gain enough speed on the short platform to launch ourselves through the trains open car doors. I hear the laughter and general raucous being made behind me and feel the power in my legs as the wall of sound pushes me forward. I feel so unusually happy that I can't keep myself from joining in and hollering right along with them.

Tobias and Eric move with such grace, boarding the train like it's a stroll through the park for them and though I’ve done this once before ,on the first day of initiation, I can't seem to match the smoothness of their strides. I try to follow their movements exactly but I land unsteadily in the train and wind up falling awkwardly to a crouch when I can't maintain my balance. A few moments later the car is packed and Eric yells over the rumble of the tracks to quiet us.

 

“Listen up initiates Fours is about to explain to you the rules of tonight's War Games. Do not be fooled. They may be called War  _ Games _ but here at Dauntless we take them very seriously you ar _ e _ being graded and it  _ does _ matter who wins.”

 

Eric puts so much emphasis on certain words I find it odd that I always think of him as stoic, he is actually rather animated in his speech. He steps backward flexing his arms as he does and stands like a perfect soldier against the train wall, this is why, his presence is so much larger than anything else. It dominates. Tobias holds a big intimidating looking gun above him, effectively pulling attention from Eric’s hulking mass as he steps forward. 

 

“Today we will be using these guns to play a game of capture the flag. Eric and I will be your team leaders but you will be responsible for coming up with your own strategy to win. These guns contain neru simulator darts that will give you the sensation of a real gunshot without actually hurting you. The effects will wear off in about 5 minutes. After we split into teams we will each hide a flag and then set out to find and capture the opponent's flag. Lastly I shouldn't have to say this but do not aim for the head with these guns.”

 

Oxley who seems strangely out of place without his brother glued to his hip buts in.

 

“What happens if we do?”

 

Oxleys eyes shoot daggers at me as he asks. My mouth feels dry and I can't look away from him. He hits the ground screaming and when I hastily turn my eyes back to Tobias I see both his and Eric's guns pointed at the ground as if nothing has happened. I can't be sure who shot him or even when Eric picked up a gun until I realize Oxley is pulling two darts from his body. The one in his thigh he tugs on with quivering hands the other remains lodged in his left shoulder. We all watch Oxley writhing around on the ground for a moment before Tobias talks directly to Eric.

 

“I was gonna shoot the loud one this time. You got to last year.” 

 

“Wahh wahh, Stick to the good cop routine it works for you.”

 

Eric's reply is flippant but his eyes are unwaveringly glued to Oxley. There is something disproportionate about his glare. There is more hatred pouring from his eyes then there was coming from Oxley just a moment ago. I wonder to myself when Eric developed such a distaste for the kid. Tobias who was mulling over the sight before him finally responds. 

 

“Or….. we could both shoot em’ every year?  This didn't turn out so bad.”

 

“Or I could shoot him twice.”

 

“You have a problem.” 

Tobias grin is wicked and Eric’s dry humor perfectly accents the farce that is Tobias’s masculine frame spouting parent like disapproval. They can play off each other so well with banter that seems so natural I can't help thinking they were friends once. Eric is trying and failing to hold in his laughter his hand over his mouth doing virtually nothing to disguise his shit eating grin. The rest of us are completely silent as we listen to Oxley wailing on the ground. None of us want to be next. Tobias continues speaking right over him like he can't be bothered to notice.

 

“Step forward when your name is called and retrieve a gun and two cartridges from this duffle bag before taking your place with your team.”

 

Tobias unzips the large, black, lumpy bag by his feet and then stands beside Eric again then speaking more softly almost teasingly. 

 

“Go on Eric you can pick first”

 

“Don't do me any favors Four I'll have no trouble beating you without them.”

 

“I remember.”

 

That admission seems out of character until I realize it's a challenge. Its as if Four had told Eric to prove it. I find myself considering what might have happened last year. The way their eyes are locked makes the tension between them seem to come in waves though it is more good natured tonight then I have ever seen it. Eric sharply turns towards us and calls out his first pick.

 

“Phoenix”

 

Tobias rolls his eyes and mumbles something too quietly for me to hear. The look Eric shoots him makes me think that he at least heard some of it. He chooses to ignore it though. I look to Ren and Maybell seeing wariness in Maybells eyes but something much more judgemental in Rens. I try to shrug my shoulders at him but he just shakes his head and nods for me to step forward . I quickly grab a gun and stand behind Eric keeping the gun pointed at the floor and my eyes on the ceiling. I quickly check that the safety is on and store the extra ammo in my waistband.  

The two instructors in front of me rattle off names like rapidfire after that. Almost racing to get the most skilled initiates on their teams.  Domino is on the opposite team but Ren is on mine. Maybell stands uncomfortably in the back of Tobias’s group watching Ren and I pitifully. She looks too small with such a big gun in her hands and I find myself worrying about her already.I want to keep her by my side and I had been unconsciously hoping Eric would call her name this whole time. Domino catches something in our exchange and steps a little closer to Maybell placing himself between her and the others. He gives me a nod from behind Maybell before turning his attention back to Tobias who is addressing us all again. 

 

“Eric's group will leave the train first. You'll have more time to hide your flag but..”

 

Eric interrupts him now.

 

“No, no no , Four your team can hop off the train first. You can't hide your flag down at the pier every year. Besides we don't need the head start.”

 

Four glares hard at Eric for a moment not missing the implication that his team will need the head start. Eric taunts him again.

 

“What are you accustomed to the pier terrain? Is it too hard to navigate the other side of the playing field? Dont get too comfortable now.”

 

Four turns to the train door and leaps. Maybell and Domino look astonished for a moment before the rest of his team scrambles and jumps out after him. Now alone with my teammates Eric turns towards us silently seeming to be unaffected by Tobias’s rash behavior. I suppose he wouldn't be he must have a better idea what to expect from him than the rest of us. I can see how the competitive nature of these two guys and the weight of initiation could make this game really intense. I turn to ask Ren if he is worried and find him still staring out the open car door.

 

“Worry about yourself now” 

 

I know it's not a comforting thing to say but it's all the advice I can give and he and I both know full well that it's Maybell he's caught thinking about. Before long Eric is ushering us out of the train and heading up the back of our group after we land. Most of us manage to stay on our feet this time landing wobbly and unbalanced or hard and loud depending on how much the person tried to show off. We seem to be at an amusement park or a carnival or something  The once bright colors are now faded and scuffed. The city this far out is mostly rubble and trash though the main infrastructure of the surrounding buildings remains mostly intact. The road is far too dilapidated for any car to pass over and the stillness makes me feel like I'm not supposed to be here. The group circles up and Eric produces a bright glowing piece of fabric from within his vest. Our flag. 

 

“So where are you going to hide the flag?”

 

Eric is met with silence. Everyone is looking around at each other hoping someone else will speak up. He watches us impatiently before continuing.

 

“Any day now.”

 

“ Wouldn't you know the best hiding places?”

 

A dauntless born girl with a sour expression and colorful hair asks what we were all thinking.

 

“Nova, what exactly would you be out here learning if I just told you how to win?”

 

The response Eric gave was rather tame but his tone of voice was one of absolute loathing. When he follows that statement up he sounds more like himself.

 

“Does anyone else have any stupid questions to waste our time with or are we going to come up with a  _ plan _ now? You should know I really don't like losing.”

 

‘To four’ was the rest of that sentence though he didn't need to finish it to make his point. When I look around me I see hesitance and confusion and it sparks frustration in my chest. Someone has to be the first to suggest something so I speak up.

 

“We could hide it on a person. That way the flag stays mobile with us, harder to pinpoint and capture.”

 

Eric shakes his head.

 

“The flag has to be visible. Not buried under ground or shoved in a pocket. If we kept the flag on a person it would have to be pinned to their chest, carried out in the open,or otherwise obviously displayed. That person would immediately be a target for every member of Fours team. Unless any of you are willing to take 15 neru darts to the ass I wouldnt suggest it.”

 

The group murmurs quietly as the waves of thought start to ripple around us. Ren speaks up over the hum.

 

“We could take it to the carousel over there it's pretty dark and has the marsh up against its back side. It will be easier to guard. “

 

That idea sounded fairly good to me but it splits the group into loud debate. Some voices I hear agreeing with Ren and the strategic advantage of the marsh while the other half seems to be angrily suggesting we put the flag in the strange looking tent building that only has one entrance. The group's loud dissent is starting to become a cacophony of sound and I tune it out in favor of surveying the surrounding area. There has to be somewhere more unexpected than this. I notice that the terrain over here is mostly flat paved areas. No real advantages in that way. Also the debris and shattered glass do little to obstruct the view in any of the buildings windows even the tented building looks rather transparent, enough so that the glow of our flag would be nothing but obvious. My eyes fall onto a large metal wheel holding a dozen or so baskets. I vaguely recall seeing something in school about the ‘world's fair’ it happened so long ago and it's attractions were so foreign that I can't remember much beyond my fascination with the wheel I look at now. I notice how there is a ladder leading up to a platform at the wheels center point. A plan starts to loosely form in my head and I find myself asking a question out loud without realizing it. 

 

“Who won last year?” 

 

The groups chatter starts to sputter out as all eyes fall on me. Some look interested others look annoyed failing to see the relevance of my question. My eyes search out Eric looking for my answer and he has a concentrated look on his face. His lips twitch towards a smirk but his hands stay folded behind his back maintaining his stern ferocity despite the smugness in his voice.

 

“I did”

“Your team did” 

 

I absently correct him while I feel the solidification of my idea. I feel a sense of excitement and urgency welling up and though Eric briefly looked murderous I rush on speaking unable to contain myself. The words are coming almost as fast as the plan is forming.

 

“Okay... So Four is going to be really gearing up to get our flag. His focus will be offensive more than defensive. If we take our flag and put it at the top of the wheel over there  it will be like dangling it in front of him. He will have to go after it. We can leave someone on the platform. The person has the advantage being able to shoot from above and stop anyone from clinging up to retrieve the flag. That frees up everyone else to go hunt down Fours flag. If he's letting his initiates take the lead, which as a rule follower I'm sure he is, then it will be up to his team to notice that all the rest of us are missing. I'll bet they will be too focused on how obvious our flag is. How tantalizingly attainable it seems that we will have ample time to take down whatever defensive measures they went to and capture their flag.” 

 

Eric looks downright proud right now but there are other initiates ready to knock me down.

 

“Oh yeah how are we supposed to find Fours flag in time. Before they come back and close us in from both sides”

 

Eric raises his eyebrow with its piercings stretching and he brings his arms across his chest like this he doesn't want us to know how entertained he is.

 

“Fours flag is going to be behind the group of initiates holding guns.” 

 

I answer dryly. Eric rubs his chin continuing to stay silent though it looks as though it is becoming more difficult for him to do so. 

 

“Oh yeah well who's gonna climb all the way up there to plant the flag” 

 

This time it's Nova who criticizes me, her blue and purple hair lends itself to her name but her constant bitch face and general sour mood grates on me already.

. 

“Just because you're afraid of heights doesn't mean everyone is.” 

 

Nova's face contorts in outrage and in a moment her and her friends are howling with indignation 

 

“ I'm not afraid it's just a stupid idea”

 

“That thing hardly looks sturdy”

 

“ I don't see you offering to go” 

 

Their complaints are thoroughly exasperating me so I just yank the flag from Eric's hand and march off towards the wheel. Some of the group shouts after me that we haven't agreed on this plan yet but I hear Eric growl for them to start coming up with the offensive plan before he shoots them all point blank. I hear footsteps coming after me and when I glance back I'm slightly disappointed to see its Ren not Eric. Ren catches up quickly and looks up from the base of the Wheel with me.

 

“That's a good plan you've got” 

 

His voice sounds a little forced, like perhaps the idea doesn't sound as good from this vantage Point. It does seem much taller from here. 

 

“Yeah...”

 

I feel a coiling in my stomach. This thing is, if nothing else, much taller than anything I've ever climbed before. Taller than the trees in Amity, and the buildings in the city, taller than the train platform and just as intimidating as the jump from the rooftop. I stare at it for a long moment before tucking the flag into the front of my shirt and starting up the ladder. Ren hesitates for only a moment before following after me. My knuckles are white with my tight grip and I try to keep from looking down as the air starts to pick up movement with our assent. 

 

“So Pheonix what's been going on with you lately, I see you’ve changed your hair?”

 

“What? I dunno Ren. Alots been going on. Initiation and training and overall stressful assimilation the hair is probably a coping mechanism. Do you really feel like having a heart to heart right now?”

 

I try not to sound as defensive as I feel but I can't do much to dull the sharpness in my voice. Ren could have heard Eric commenting on my punching bag experience, he was there after I returned from the infirmary that day Tobias punched me, he might have seen me dressed and ready just a little while ago, he's almost certainly noticed my absence as of late. I have no idea what conclusions he has been drawing if any but knowing the Erudite in him I can't help but be afraid of what he might be learning. It's just like the Erudite in me, constantly curious. 

 

“I'm just trying not to think about falling “ 

 

He grumbles dejectedly and my gut twist with regret for my snotty response. I don't know that I'm being overly suspicious but I'm at least being overly obvious. I breath deeply trying to keep my eyes up or straight ahead as I continue climbing. 

 

“How's Maybell after her fight, I didn't get to ask her.” 

 

Ren hesitates climbing behind me for a moment I can hear his voice a little further away than before. 

 

“She's not doing great, she's shaken up. Worried about her ranking. I don't think she's ever been hit before so it was a rather memorable first time experience for her.” 

 

I nod my head without thinking and then verbalize for him.

 

“Yeah that's probably true. She's better with weapons than fists that's for sure. Have you been hit before?” 

 

“Yeah I got in a fight once when I was younger, maybe 12, this kid a few grades higher than me. Peter, he broke my glasses. So I jumped on him. Didn't turn out well, we both needed stitches.”

 

I'm surprised, I hadn't pictured Ren as a fighter before Dauntless. I always imagined him hunched over books and beakers. Maybe it was a little of both. Ren turns the conversation back to me. 

 

“What about you? How are you doing? I didn't see your fight with Cooper but I heard he's not coming back” 

 

I almost miss the next rung with my foot and flush with embarrassed anger as Ren jerks his head out of the way. I nearly kicked him. 

 

“Sorry” 

 

I mumble my apology before chewing over my answer.

 

“ I'm fine. I don't like fighting. I haven't decided how to minimize the damage next time.”

 

“Minimize the damage?” 

 

Ren sounds surprised. We've reached the platform now and we pause to look out around us the view is breathtaking. The night is dark and the muddled shapes of buildings and trees in the distance looks incredible from this height. The sky is clear and full of stars.  I notice a bright light off in the distance long after the faction wide curfew. Lights are supposed to be off now to conserve energy and maintain order. Before I have time to think much about it Ren is standing in front of me effectively blocking my view with his large chest.

 

”What do you mean minimize damage?”

 

“ I mean fighting well enough to get through stage one without pummeling innocent people into hamburger” 

 

Rens eyes soften and his shoulders fall a little.

 

“ Yeah... I know what you mean but the higher your ranking the safer you are”

 

“Not always.” 

 

My response is under my breath but the curiosity in Ren's face let's me know he heard it anyway. I start the rest of my climb knowing the higher up I get this flag the more time it buys us. Down on the ground I see our group huddled up and from this distance they are indiscernible from each other. Ren doesn't continue up with me he just stays on the platform watching me. These bars above me were not designed for climbing like the ladder was they meet at odd angles and all the rusted cold metal bars are too large around for me to grip well. I have to hold each one with two hands and be careful to grip with my feet everytime I need to move my hands. My heart is beating hard but all I think about is how I can get higher.  As I'm nearing the top and the wind is whipping my hair around me viciously my foot slips from where I wedged it and I'm suddenly hanging only by my arms. My feet scramble at the air and I let out a high pitched shriek. I refuse to look down as I try to breath and think about how to pull myself up. I'm sure now after I've screamed I have the whole team's attention and a flash of anger does little to improve my situation. I hear Ren calling to me panicked.

 

“Phoenix hold on,  on your left. Use your left foot to reach.” 

 

I try to swing my feet left but my palms are sweating and my grip is getting looser. I'm panicking too and he isn't helping. I can barely breath and I don't know if I'm going to make it. My arms quake and I feel tears prickling at my eyes. I fall from this height would be lethal no doubt. I blindly group with my left leg for what feels like an eternity before I roughly jam my toe into a metal bar. I wrap my leg around it and quickly grip it with my right too. Holding to it tightly with all of my leg strength now I push air from my lungs in relief. Having regained purchase with my feet does little to slow my hammering heart or lighten the anxiety that has sized up my chest. I close my eyes and try to breath evenly. I hear what sounds like two voices below me and I focus on that for a second trying to regain some of my calm. My hands are still sweaty and I'm afraid to climb the last few feet. It's then that I hear him. Eric calls to me from below. 

 

“You're almost there Nix don't be a pansy cake. You can probably reach the top from where you are.” 

 

I don't want to move so I call back to him to buy myself time. 

 

“You’re as motivational as Four is cuddly, Eric”

“ I don't give a fuck if I motivate you, you can't see how close you are to the top with your eyes squeezed close like that, chicken shit! ” 

 

He's right and I try to will my eyes open but they are resilient and I'm still shaking. 

 

“Fuck yourself” 

 

I yell back. My voice doesn't sound afraid but if Eric can see I'm not moving or even looking than it doesn't matter how I sound.

“We haven't got all day initiate . MOVE. NOW!” 

 

The warning in Eric's voice reminds me that no matter what goes on outside of training he is in charge right now and being afraid will not be a good enough excuse for talking back to him. At least not with Ren there to witness it. I force my eyes open and realize that Eric is very very right. I can reach the top from where I am. I'll have to let go of the bar with one of my hands to wedge the flag in place and I really don't want to do that. I survey the bars nearby and make the split decision to extend one of my legs to another v in the metal bars. With one foot wedged in each of these joints I reach upward to tie the flag around the very top bar. It's just barely large enough to tie around the thick rusted metal but it works and I almost sigh with relief when I've done it. Its short lived though because now I have to climb back down. As soon as I glance below me panic seizes my chest and I grip the bar in front of me like a koala. Eric and Ren look tiny even at the halfway point and the rest of the class below them look like ants. I try to swallow but my mouth is dry and my tongue feels swollen. I'm paralyzed. It almost feels like the ground is moving towards me or the wheel is floating in water jostling on the waves. Ren calls to me first 

 

“ Come on you can come down now. Just take it one step at a time. You're so fucking brave dude.” 

 

Rens words though well meaning do nothing for me. I couldn't have climbed down anyway  _ except for _ one step at a time. He only serves to irritate me with his over simplification of this awful experience, Eric calls out next.

“I thought you were Dauntless.” 

 

My eyes burst open and rage spreads through me. How could he. What kind of tool is going to poke at me for my fear when I was the only initiate brave enough to even climb this thing. The risk of death is very real and being unafraid wouldn't change that. I want to punch him right in his face and suddenly I feel the pull towards the ground. I'm moving down the wheel slowly cursing him out as colorfully as I can all the while in my head planning my attack. 

 

“ Let's  _ go _ Phoenix the rest of us have some War Games to play when you're done picking your ass up there” 

 

I can't contain myself any longer and I start to quicken my descent.

 

“I swear to God Eric I'm gonna make you swallow your fucking teeth and your words when I get down there” 

 

The bars are closer together and thinner the further down I get and I only increase my speed as I go. Before I know it I feel a hand on my lower back and when I look I see Erik lifting me from the bars and depositing me on the ground. He takes a step back quickly his posture rigid and strained. My hips feel tingly where his hands had been and I almost forgot I was mad. For the briefest moment I see something like relief on his features. I’m hyper aware of Ren's eyes on us from a foot away. Eric speaks but it seems artificial, more like he just couldn't handle silence. 

 

“Alright let's get going Fours team is probably already on the way.” 

 

Just like that he dismisses this tense moment and makes for the ladder. I look at Ren and he has that same puzzling look I'm coming to expect from him. 

 

“Are you the guard ?”

 

That was a feeble question to ask but there was this lack of resolution pressing on my mind. He sighs and runs his fingers through his long hair. His face an unreadable mix as ever. 

“Yeah  _ Nix _ I’m staying…That was brave Phoenix. You scared the shit out of me up there.” 

 

He gives me a quick one armed hug before Eric barks at me again from somewhere on the ladder. 

 

“I said let's go innate” 

 

I feel like a could commit murder hearing Eric's voice at this moment nothing could be more abrasive than his condescending pushy bullshit I give Ren a tight nod before following after Eric. Eric reaches the ground before me and the rest of the class is already dispersing in a wide line ahead of us, they have their guns ready and they move quietly. Once I'm on the ground Eric makes to follow them but I catch up before he can vanish into the dark trees up ahead. My whisper is harsh and breathy when I try to convey my anger. 

 

“ What the fuck was that about?” 

 

“ Not now Nix” 

 

Eric’s voice is iced and it makes me shiver but I'm too outraged to back down.

“Yes now!”

 

I demand an answer from him. He turns on me so fast we collide and then his hands are tugging me away from him roughly. His grip on my shoulders is tight and his arms are extended as far from himself as possible. 

 

“If you win this game I'll answer that question.” 

 

I answer that it's a deal almost before he finishes speaking. My earnest acceptance of his challenge brightens his features and he let's go of my shoulders. We turn back towards the tree line. There are little flecks of light dancing around, Peenie Wallies my mom used to call them.  It feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen them I feel almost wistful when I recognize them up ahead. Part of me wishes we could stop and catch some but the urgency of winning quickly casts that idea away. Moving forward together more than a few paces behind the rest of the team I softly and slowly whisper to Eric. 

 

“Aren't you at least going to tell me the plan?”

 

Eric hushs me but answers anyway. 

 

“ We spread wide and look for movement or signs of recent travel. We are gonna hunt them down. The first gunshot  we here is the signal to all converge on that location and seize the flag in a flood of gun fire.”

 

“Wow that's aggressive, I like it.”

 

“Gee great I’m glad your on board, now shut up and focus.”

 

“Okay okay but Eric can I just say one more thing?”

 

“Fine what?”

 

His exasperation is reaching a comical level. His whisper almost as loud as his regular speaking voice as he tried to rush this conversation to its conclusion. 

 

“Thanks for the shoes.”

 

On his next step forward he stumbles righting himself quickly and shooting me a look.

 

“I have no idea what you mean  _ initiate _ .”

 

He holds my gaze with an intensity that dares me to challenge him and I feel my excitement welling up. I know it was him and now he knows I know . The question is will he ever admit it so I can get some answer from him.

 

“How did you know my shoe size?”

 

I try to sound innocent when I ask him but he is unamused.

 

“You said one more thing, that's two. Now shut up. If you want me to answer your other question you need to focus on winning. Your such a nose.”

 

I sigh but let it go. He's right. Looking ahead of me into the dark overgrowth I see the silent and stealthy shapes of my team. They all whisper through the foliage with determination. I follow up behind them straining my ears for anything unusual. We are starting to spread apart to the point where now I can only just make out the shape of one of my teammates in the distance ahead.  I feel Eric move closer to me rather than away. His tall presence comes up right behind me as I round a large tree. I feel a sharp tug on the back of my shirt and I'm pulled back into Eric's chest hard. His hand clamps over my mouth to prevent the surprised squeak from leaving me. My heart is hammering and he lifts his gun over my shoulder keeping me close to him as he aims. I can't tell what he is looking at and I try to search the landscape for something that moves. Suddenly I hear it. Someone's whispering.

 

“Be careful idiot. They could be planning to ambush us.”

 

“Can you see anyone?”

 

“No just that guy on the platform up there”

 

“Do you think they are hiding?”

 

“Obviously numbnuts”

 

“Okay well I think we've scouted enough let's go back and tell Four where their flag is. These trees are creeping me out”

 

“Youre such a pansy cake.”

 

I lift my gun as well ignoring Eric's hand over my mouth. When he feels me moving and sees what I’m trying to do he removes his hand and takes a small step back. I train my gun on the shadowy figure of the boy on the left. Eric whispers in my ear sending a shiver up my spine.

 

“You shoot the one on the left in the center of the chest on the count of three.”

 

He doesn't leave room for argument. He has told me what I’m going to do and that's all there is to it. A small part of me bristles at his command but another part of me knows that a soldier that doesn't take orders is useless. If we are on the same team I need to trust that what he has in mind will be in both our best interest. I let out a breath to steady myself pointing my gun just right. I have to trust him right now and I’m a little alarmed at how easy it is to resign myself to it. 

 

“One… two… three,  **EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKERS** ”

 

Eric's soft counting turns too loud screaming and I'm surprised to see that my aim is true even with the startle he just gave me. Both the members of the other team hit the ground wailing and suddenly the rest of our team comes out of the bushes from every angle. When they find nothing to aim at the all look around confused. Eric quickly steps around me walking over to the two boys on the ground kicking lightly at their feet as they continue rolling around and groaning. 

 

“Sorry guys, we didn't find the flag just a couple of scouts.”

 

One of the boys on the ground spits at Eric's feet. So Eric crouches down next to him tilting his head menacingly. There is something disturbingly ruthless about Eric. He sees someone in pain and he treats them almost like a fascinating science experiment. He acts like he is just dieing to poke them with a stick. Eric pushes up from his crouch and speaks to our team that still lingers around eyeing the trees and bushes critically. 

 

“These guys aren't down for the count , we are going to have to keep them from running back to Four and giving up our secrets. Who wants to help me trie these punks to a tree?” 

 

Eric sounds way to excited and the rest of our team lets out a couple supportive hoots and hollers before they slap hands over their own mouths. We still need to be quiet but the excitement of the game is starting to turn into pure adrenaline. Nova and another Dauntless born step forward helping Eric move the squirming boys so that they face away from each other on either side of a tree. While they are busy tying them up with their own sweaters I begin a little scouting mission of myself. I look in the direction the boys came from and start a crouched walk forward. There is light up ahead a clearing in the trees maybe or if we are lucky Tobias’s Flag. It's still too far away for me to tell but I feel a pull to go and investigate it. Looking above me I see how tightly packed the trees are out here how their branches overlap and suddenly a plan starts coming to me that really gets me heart rate going.  I hear the group behind me gearing up to move and I turn around quickly hoping to snag their unified attention while I still can.

 

“Guys I have another idea.”

  
  
  


15 minutes later the tree branches creak and groan under the weight of my entire team. We have scaled all the trees surrounding the clearing and now from above we all peek out at the little rickety shack that Tobias’s team stands guarding. There are six members of the other team in a circle around the building facing out towards us. The one dirty window in the thing lets out a dim filtered yet distinct light. The incandescent flag inside. I glance over to my left and see in the tree next to mine Leroy the noodle armed Amity boy. He eyes me skeptically and points down at the ground. I shake my head no. Eric has planned a signal for us all to jump. He will whistle and then we will all converge on the flag. Leroy looks from me to the glow through the window. I know what he is thinking and I want to scream at him not to do it but I can't make a noise lest we all be discovered.  Then I’m bewildered as I see his shadowy form plunge towards the ground. He has just jumped right into the view of all the flags guards and started shooting rapid fire. He sprays neru darts without aiming or even paying attention. He hollers at the top of his lungs all the while and I see the rest of the team dropping down to the ground to bail him out. One against 6 isn't great odds. I can't understand what he thought he was going to accomplish. I land on the ground a little too hard sending a pain up my shin at impact. I wince and push up quickly lifting my gun and hitting one of the guards that was approaching my side of the clearing. Leroy is on the ground now with at least 6 darts in his body. He tries to crawl towards the antiquated hut but his limbs shake with the effort. I see an unobstructed path open up before me. The guards have paired off with members of my team. Some fighting hand to hand after having lost their weapons others aiming poorly and shooting darts all over the field rather than at each other. Everyone is so distracted by the fight no one but poor neru darted Leroy and myself have thought to go for the flag. I quickly rush forward  distractedly seeking out Eric on the field. I hadn't seen him jump down but he must have by now, somewhere amidst this chaos. When I bust through the door I’m met by Tobias who leans casually holding the flag. I freeze in place as the door swings closed behind me. The air smells musty and old in here like it hasn't been disturbed in years. The beams of light that penetrate the cracks in the wooden boards show just how much dust is floating around in the air. My gun is pointed at the ground whereas Tobias has his gun trained straight on me. I need to think fast. Tobias smirks, lightly tossing the flag in his one hand just waiting for me to make a move. Stall.Stall. Stall.

 

“Nice of you to let your team get massacred out there. They could have used your help, still could.”

 

“What and leave the flag unattended? That's not how you win the game.”

 

I'm still tracing the room with my eyes trying to figure out how I’m going to get the flag from him when I hear the crash of shattering glass beside my head. Tobias hits the ground grunting once and then becoming completely silent in his pain. The neru dart has passed over my shoulder after coming right through the shacks one tiny window. I look back over my shoulder to see Eric smitten and waving. He is clearly proud of himself right now and I can't help but laugh. His head darts out of vision back into the battle from which he appeared. I tiptoe over to Tobias and grab the flag he still has clutched in his hand. My gun is pointed at his chest. 

 

“I’ll take this, thankyou”

 

I say as I tug on the fabric

. 

“Not that easily”

 

He responds with what sounds like a lot of effort, at the same time I feel the pain spreading through my leg. I look down in horror realizing that Tobias has just shot me point blank in the thigh before giving up his strong hold on the flag and letting me fall back onto my ass. I groan squeezing the skin around the dart with my empty hand. It feels like fire and its throbbing. It makes me furious. I quickly lift the hand holding both the flag and the gun and shoot Tobias twice, one in each shoulder. He hollers this time just one clipped noise but it satisfies me none the less. I use the wall to pull myself to standing leaving the gun on the floor and push open the shack door. I lift the flag over my head my chest heaving with the effort. My leg can't hold my weight so I clutch the door frame for support. anI hear Eric shout game over to the initiates still brawling it out in the field in front of me. 

The group out here has grown considerably. The noise of the fight having drawn in the rest of Tobias’s team to take on the rest of ours. I watch as the people on my team recognize me holding the flag and start cheering. Before long the nights silence is completely overpowered by our victory whoops. The group of us began moving back towards the tracks carried by our high spirits. I vaguely hear Eric mumbling something to Nova about retrieving Ren from his outpost. In my excitement I had completely forgotten about him sitting up there not knowing the game was over. Tobias comes staggering out into the clearing with a sour expression on his face. He doesn't say anything but he offers me his hand to shake. I take it hesitantly trying to figure out if I’m gripping his hand tight enough or too hard. He uses the cover of our handshake to lean in and whisper to me.

“We need to talk”

His face looks serious but also gentle. The little vacation from my problems I was just on is suddenly over and I remember that I have a whole world of unresolved conflicts waiting for me back at the compound. I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable with his stare so I pull my hand free and give him a single ‘Ha’ only layering on more awkwardness to the situation.

“What is it?”

I'm starting to feel genuinely concerned when he shakes his head.

“Not now, later.”

Why bring it up at all if now wasn't a good time. The seriousness of the moment is short lived though because Eric claps Tobias on the back as he walks by and so Tobias follows after him growling something under his breath at Eric's back. Eric's shoulders are shaking with laughter and they are too far away to hear anymore.  I turn on my heels and find Maybell running up behind me looking more like her old self than the last time I saw her. She's out of breath and grinning.

“I didn't get shot once! I was too quick but I hit at least 4 people.” 

She's beside herself with excitement and I’m so relieved to see it after her silence earlier. I smile at her encouragingly. I know weapons are her strongest subject since getting here but if she's right about her performance tonight her aim is even better than what I thought it was. 

 

“Be happy you didn't get shot, I took one to the thigh and It still hurts.”

 

That's the truth the pain in my leg is bearable but it sure isn't gone. I wonder if range makes an impact with pain levels or if the darts are standardized. I notice now how many of us are favoring a leg or clutching an arm as we move. Most of us still harboring some lingering effects. I shake my head.Maybell is laughing and I think maybe getting shot is worth it to see her so giddy. She is so vivid like this.

 

“You won!”

 

She exclaims the words as if it was her team that had one and I feel my cheeks beginning to hurt from smiling. I won. My team won. It must be 3 am by now but as far as training goes War games are fine by me.  The speed of travel is nothing like it was before. It takes us a considerable amount more time to get back to the tracks than it took us to get away from them. Once we are all congregated in a large mixed up heard I realize why we weren't in any hurry. We still have to wait for the train to come back around. I see tobias check his watch and mumble towards Eric. We aren't waiting too long before the train comes careening around the bend and we all prepare to launch ourselves back on. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm so excited to bring you War Games! I hope you are all still enjoying this story.This is a long chapter but I hope it dose the gamers justice. Let me knowwhat your thinking I'm really enjoying building these side stories into the main one!


	14. In Darkness We See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phoenix and Tobias make a trip out of the compound under cover of night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to demonsrun. Your sweet comment/message inspired me to write another chapter after I spent so long on a total creative block. It means the world to me that you like my work. I hope this next chapter is up to snuff.  
> Also thank you to Haru_tanLuvsYAOi and mustlovemustypages ( I love that screen name by the way) your comments are greatly appreciated. I hope to keep hearing from you guys.   
> Enjoy!!   
> ~~RED

As Everyone prepared to exit the train I held back. I lingered near the train wall rather than herding up to the open car door with the rest of the class.They all jostled into each other Lazily rubbing sleep from their eyes. After the rest of them had jumped and just as I was preparing to leap after them I felt a hand grip me around my waist like an Iron rod. A surprised yelp left my lips as I heard Tobias whisper.

 

“I need to show you something.”

 

The familiar grass leading up to the compound left view and it was back to the city scape in no time. I turned around now with a chill lingering on my skin from the unexpected touch. Tobias had sat back down against the train wall and he looked at me expectantly seeing that I hadn't moved.

 

“What is so important that it couldn't wait until morning?”

 

I demand, the tired weight on my limbs was making me aggravated as the train car bucked violently beneath me. Tobias rolled his eyes at my attitude.His voice was even and full of authority like always.

 

“Just trust me. I can only show you this at night.”

 

I move to sit beside him pondering that in my head. Since we are still on the train it's a fair bet the reason he can't do this during the day is because I’m not supposed to leave the compound.That is to say I can't leave the compound without being accompanied by a Dauntless member.  I could leave with Tobias since he is my instructor and a member of Dauntless but if we did that people would know he was taking me off the compound and they would want to know why. Leaving unnoticed would be much more hassle. Choosing tonight was ingenious really because we all left the compound together and at due to the late hour we return it isn't likely our absence was noticed.  It makes sense really that he is doing this now. I tilt my head back and sigh. I just hope its worth it. Tobias moves toward the train car door and I follow him. In the distance I see the glowing light of Erudite headquarters through its glass facade. 

 

“Thats funny. Lights out should have been hours ago.”

 

Four doesn't comment he just grunts in agreement. I look at him skeptically. Why would Erudite need to keep their lights on this late. What were they doing that would warrant that breach of protocol. Tobias meets my gaze knowingly and then returns his gaze outward.

 

“They keep their lights on at all hours these days.”

 

If Tobias knows this who else does? I stare out at the Erudite sector as the wind whips my hair around. 

 

“Get ready to jump. This is our stop.”

 

Tobias grabs the side of the car door and launches himself out. We began our approach up the broken road side and I can't hold in my curiosity.With my hands shoved deep in my pockets I ask my first question.

 

“What are we doing in Erudite?”

 

“Looking for answers.”

 

Tobias looks around the edge of a building before motioning me forward down an ally.Im glad he is aware of our surroundings. I can't seem to pay attention with all the burning questions occupying my mind. 

 

“Answers to what questions exactly?”

 

“Would you shut up.”

 

Tobias loses his patience with my questioning and I bite back a smart mouth response. Sneaking around Erudite with a dependant, at 2 in the morning or whatever god awful hour it is, doesn't look great if we were to be caught. We begin to reach a part of the city where the roads smooth out and the glass from the windows are still intact.

“In here.”

 

Tobias motions to a small squat building with no windows. He slips in the door opening it just wide enough to fit his hulking shoulders through leaving more than enough space for me. Once in side with the door shut behind us it is pitch black. I stay put afraid that if I move forward I will trip or knock something over. I hear a click followed by a soft humming as a single light bulb suspended by a chain swingings a dull yellow glow. The room is full of filing cabinets and in its center is a dust covered table surrounded by stools. Im itching to ask more questions a hundred of them balance on my tongue but I stifle them. What is this building? How did Tobias know about it? I know Tobias intends to show me something and the more impatient I act the more frustrated he will become. I run my finger through the dust idly. Tobias appears in front of me and rubs his elbow over the spot I just traced, leaning over me he whispers harshly.

 

“Lets not make it obvious that we have been here.”

 

A nod my head guiltily. Tobias walks boldly over to one of the cabinets fishing a piece of fabric from hs pockets and using it to touch the handle of the drawer. He pulls out a file and walks over to me. 

 

“I had some questions and so I came here to try and find the answers.”

“Where is here?”

 

“Old paper record keeping storage. Erudite has gone almost completely digital in the last 10 years but they still keep these files as back ups. However this place hardly ever gets used as you can see from the dust.”

 

“ Right.. and did you? Find your answers I mean?”

 

“No. Not exactly….that's why you are here.”

 

He looks at me like that was obvious and it sort of was. I shift on my feet anxiously.

 

“Well out with it then, what are you trying to show me, what answers should I be able to give you?”

 

Tobias flips open the folder and holds it out to me. In it are two official looking certificates. One is a death certificate for Evelyn Eaton. I glance up at Tobias my concern growing. Why is he showing me this? He urges me on with a nudge of his elbow. His arms crossed over his chest defensively. The other certificate is a birth certificate. A baby girl 6 pounds 7 ounces name Filomena Eaton. Then beside the ink print of a tiny foot there is the stamp in bold hard lettering.

 

**STILLBORN**

 

My eyes shoot back to Tobias searching him for something, anything to make this all make sense. He is staring intently into my face when he asks.

 

“What's your birthday?”

 

“January 1st, new years baby.”

 

I mutter quietly back.He points his finger to the date listed on both the certificates. January 1st. My heart starts beating harder in my chest. He couldn't possibly be suggesting what I think he is suggesting. I swallow thickly and look at him again too lost for words. He nods at me like he understands and walks me towards another cabinet.

 

“I got that file from a cabinet of Abnegation birth and death records. This one is Amities.”

 

He pulls open a drawer at hip height with more force than was probably need and looks at me again. I look at him and back at the drawer afraid of where this is going yt hungry for more information. He flips his fingers through the files and pulls out one for january 1st of the same year.

 

“ Its empty” 

 

I frown.

 

“Exactly, according to these records you were not born on January 1st that year. No One was.”

 

I don't know what to make of that I stare open mouthed at the plain manilla folder that holds no files. 

 

“There must be some mistake.”

 

“I thought the same thing. So I checked all of January and both adjacent months. I checked all three months for the two years before and after. Nothing. So instead I looked for the rest of your family and I found this.”

 

Tobias shuffles through another drawer and pulls out Lucien's birth certificate. Everything about it seems normal until Tobias flips it over and shows me the sticky note attached to the back. 

 

_ “Maggie, Alicia has been rendered infertile due to complications of her c section. She may need further mental treatment to help her cope with the news.” _

 

The handwriting was messy like a doctors and it was addressed to someone named Maggie. Clearly it wasn't intended to make it into this file. I read the text a dozen times quickly trying every time to rationalize what I'm seeing. My ‘mother’ was incapable of having any more children. Yet here I am. 

 

“But if she couldn't..” 

Looking at Tobias the words leave me. They don't need to be spoken. He has a strange look in his eyes and his chest is moving like it's hard for him to breath. He looks angry and I don't know what to say. 

 

“When my mother died and took my baby sister with her I was crushed. I felt responsible. I thought that if I had gotten in between Marcus and her more while she was pregnant that maybe the baby would have lived. I still feel responsible for their deaths. But.. what if Filomena wasn't stillborn. What if my mother just wanted to hide her from Marcus. She could have asked the nurses before the c section, even if she had lived she wouldn't have wanted that life for her daughter. She saw what it was like for me, for both of us. Where better to hide a child than Amity? A place of peace, free love, where children are born all the time with virtually no questions asked. Where better to find someone willing to raise a kid other than their own?”

Tobias eyes were searching now. Like he was begging me to believe him. Deep in my stomach I did believe him. Something in me knew what he was saying was true but my heart was beating so fast and my mind was feeling overwhelmed and before I realized it I was taking a step back. Then another. Until my back touched the door and I slid down to sit on the floor. I still clutched the birth certificate in my hand. Possibly my birth certificate. 

 

“This is crazy, I don't know what to think.”

 

I pull my knees into my chest and set the folder down in front of me. 

 

“Just think about it. It makes sense, the scars on your back.”

 

Tobias voice was almost urgent. His face filled with need. He turns sharply pulling his shirt up over his head so that I can see his back. The pale yellow light still swinging softly casts long shadows beside the raised cording of scars. More striking than the network of dark stripes, like those of a tiger, was the black ink tattoo of every faction's symbol. It was a beautiful piece, I’d have to tell Tori. The marks across his skin looked familiar, like what Tori had shown me in her shop. She had told me than that Tobias had scars like mine then and I had felt in my gut what I’m feeling now. This undeniable connection is too much for me and I have to look away. Tobias quickly pulls his shirt back into place and sits in front of my feet not meeting my eyes for the first time tonight. He hesitates for a long moment before gently rests one of his hands on my knee. His voice is strained with emotion when he finally speaks.

 

“Our scars are the same. Too similar to be unrelated. Those words you said. ‘This is for your own good’ Marcus would say that every time he used his belt on me. He would say that he was making me stronger, teaching me discipline. That night after you collapsed in the training room I came here looking for answers. I wanted to talk to you about this before but I just didn't get the chance. Eric has been hanging around you a lot and I didn't want him to get suspicious.” 

  
I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I look at Tobias like I’ve never seen him before. His olive skin tone so much like mine now that I have lost my sun kissed glow. It was done for when I traded in Amity fields for Dauntless caverns. His hooked nose like a more predominant version of mine. Our cheekbones. I reach a finger out to trace his hairline, the color is exactly the same as mine. My real hair color. The one I hadn't known until this week. He is tense under my fingers but he relaxes slowly into the touch. His face looks somber now. One thing we do not share is our eyes. Mine are blue, ice cold and pale. His are like warm butter with a swirling of nutmeg in it. His eyes are watery like mine. And then I think the words. This is my brother and I lose all control. I clutch his shirt and shove my face into his neck with a sob. How could I have gone my whole life living in such a tangled mess of lies. Tobias seems to me like a sturdy rock under the crashing waves of my life and I cling to him now for fear of drowning.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also Have some delicious Theo James just because. 


	15. Howl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> final fights take a turn for the extreme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are still reading out there. Here is another one for you.

“So if you’r mom…or...mom...our mom..um ,if she ya know sent me to Amity how did I end up with these scars?”

We are seated on the train headed back to Dauntless and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around things. The night sky seems a little brighter through the open car door than it did before. 

“It was Marcus. I don't know how ...let me think about it for a little while. You can't remember the scars but I can't forget. I'm sure I’ll be able to remember something if I just stew on it.”  
The skin between Tobias’s eyes is drawn together and his eyes are looking inward more than outward. His vacant eyes are open but they aren't seeing. I wave my hand in front of his face and he grabs my wrist before I can get all the way through one motion.

“I was still paying attention.” 

Tobias eyes are on my face now and I let out a breathy laugh. 

“Impressive, you need to teach me that.”

“I don't know if I can, or maybe I’m just too tired to think of a way now”

I’m exhausted too having been up nearly 24 hours now. Tobias must have been up just as long , maybe longer and it was clear in the way his head bobbed loosely on his shoulders. He usually did not allow the jostling of the train to pass through his body. I’m worried he will fall asleep so I stand up and reach my hands down to him.

“Come on, up, up. This train is going to rock you to sleep and I don't want to lug your ass back into the compound passed any hidden cameras.”

“How do you know about the cameras?”

Tobias is grunting out his words as he pulls himself up using my hands as leverage. 

“How do you?”

“I work in the control room 11 months out of the year.”

“Oh.”

I don't want to tell Tobias that Eric had told me about them or about how someone working in the control room could have easily seen Eric and I making out by the chasm. I swallow nervously as Tobias grows more curious in my hesitance. 

“I’m...observant?”

I answer him with no conviction, the lie declaring itself boldly. He narrows his eyes at me and folds his arms across his chest. He is making himself look big and I can already tell I’ve fucked up. 

“Yeah? You're observant?”

He does not believe me at all. Sarcasm is a humor I imagine he thrives on. 

“Why do you care that I know there are cameras, I’m sure it's not a secret. I might be an initiate but I spend a lot of time around actually members of Dauntless.”

I know that really has nothing to do with it. Tobias didn't care until I lied. He knows there is something I don't want to tell him which is very incriminating for me. He knows that I don't think he will like how I found out. Just as I expected he does not fall for my evasion. 

“What members of Dauntless?”

“What?”

“I asked which members of Dauntless are you spending time with? I work in the control room so chances are I know them.” 

He is demanding that I lie on the spot or give myself up. The gleam in his expression was challenging me to look him in the eyes and lie to his face. I don't think I can do it until I find a half truth somewhere in my mind. It's not a lie it's just not the answer he is looking for.

“Tori.”

I blurt her name out the second it occurs to me and the look on Tobias's face darkens.

“Look I don't know who you're spending your time with really but I’d rather you just say that you won't tell me than to watch you squirm around with those pitiful obvious lies.” 

He turns away from me to watch out the train car door and I lean roughly against the wall. His words sting a little and I feel guilt in the pit of my stomach. I was cowardly just now and it makes my skin crawl to realise it. We are almost back to the compound so I just change the subject and resolve to take his advice for next time. 

“Ugh, what time are we getting up tomorrow.”

I plead in my head for him to say we have the day off, I try to convey it in my eyes and he loses some of the tensions in his face.

“You can sleep in until noon. I’ll snag you a muffin or something for before your fight. Just come down to the gym at 12:30 so that you have time to eat before the class shows up. “

“Shit, final fights?”

“Yeah. Shits right. “

I want to say thank you or ask what he meant by that, why would he dread final fights, but we have reached the compound and Tobias is leaping onto the grass thats started to collect dew. 

Due to the War Games keeping everyone up late, not just me and my extra curricular field trips, training began after lunch today and we went immediately into final fights rather than our normal weapons routine. I’ve been so preoccupied I haven't come up with a plan yet for today's fight. I touch a hand to my nose and notice that it's still tender though it's discoloration was just the faintest flecks of yellow when I checked this morning. I can't have a repeat of Cooper. I push air through my teeth. The dread I feel only intensifies when I really grasp how unprepared I am. I don't know these people. I won't ruin anyone else's lives, basically strangers lives, if I can avoid it. I’ve payed so little attention to my classmates. Now I watch them as if they are all that exists in the world. Ren and Maybell sit talking quietly and I see him demonstrating how to bring her elbow upwards on someone's nose. It's smart of him to teach her that. She nods at him with a determined look on her angelic features. I think that if she makes it she would be the most beautiful fighter here. Her opponents would simply refuse to hit her. My stomach twists on itself. Rens hair brushes his shoulders as he talks and I see the Erudite in him as he teaches. He would be a great instructor after initiation. I should mention it to him.   
I move my eyes to the other side of the mats and see that the Erudite transfers other than Ren seem to be a pack of sorts. Blaze sits with his arm slung over Laura's shoulder and they both look bored. Clearly neither of them are worried about their fights. They must feel more confident than I know I do .Blaze idly chews the string of his hoodie. He looks like a cow chewing cud. Coulton the third Erudite and third wheel sits with his legs stretched in front of him and his elbows on the mat. He talks to his friends who seem to be only vaguely listening. Before Coulton was large and doughy but since training began he has toned his arms and shoulders enough to change the lay of his shirt against his chest. He looks positively terrifying now. A brickwall more than a person. Strangely there are two people who sit alone each separated by at least 5 feet making it obvious they are not sitting together. Micha and Leroy. Micha sits staring blankly ahead completely still. He looks almost like a mannequin . I try to watch his chest move as he breaths but from this distance even that movement is to slight or my eyes to see. Micha being from Amity makes this even more strange. He should be inclined to bubbly happy loud behavior. He should have made friends easily. Leroy to his right is as much his opposite as is possible. His eyes dart around the room and he seems to be sweating. He wipes his forehead often and when not pulling at his shirt collar his hands are clutching and unclutching the fabric of his gym shorts. His toe taps continually. I look at them all now and can't suppress my curiosity. 

“Why do Micha and Leroy sit alone like that? Amity loners are unheard of.”

Ren answers me from his crouch next to Maybell. His eyes are focused on her movements, he taps her elbow when it dips too low and leaves her face open for attack. She continues miming her punches as he speaks.

“Well they aren't Amity they are Dauntless and I’d say Dauntless loners are pretty common. Besides I don't think either of them are loners. Leroy is a basket case and Micha. Well hes. I’m not sure what he is.”

Michas sad green eyes are pointed towards me but they don't see me. He's gone somewhere in his mind and my stare can't reach him there. 

“I saw Leroy last night. During the War Games. He was the one that gave away our cover before the signal last night. He was in the tree next to me. He just jumped into the clearing screaming. He kept trying to go for the flag even when he had like 8 darts in his body.”

It had not shocked me so much then but saying it out loud now sends a shiver up my spine. His eyes had been crazed his screams had almost sounded like laughter… or was that my imagination. I shake my head and turn my attention back to Micha. Ren is looking at me now.

“Seriously? Leroy is getting more and more unhinged. He's been talking to himself wandering around the halls alone muttering. It's been freaking us all out. Micha tried to talk to him when it first started happening. He left the dorms to follow him and when he came back he was pale and quiet. He hasn't talked to anyone or done much of anything since.”

I stare at Ren hard. That cannot be. Micha went silent and white as a ghost and no one bothered to find out why.

“And what? No One's asked him if he's okay? What if he say Leroy doing something or I don't know something had to have happened to him. “

Ren looks irritated now and he stands taller.

“No Maybell and I have been a little busy worrying about you and initiation to deal with his problems too. He has lost every fight he has had. He isn't going to make it through initiation so getting attached to the kid is just going to hurt tomorrow when our rankings get posted. Besides you haven't got room to talk. I’m surprised you even know his name. Everytime training ends you vanish somewhere doing who knows what. You hardly ever eat with us. I’m not even sure if you sleep in the dorms since half the time you aren't there when I go to sleep or when I wake up.”

The guilt is heavy in the pit of my stomach. I swallow against it and nod my head.

“You're right.”

I turn and walk over towards Micha Ren yells after me.

“What are you trying to prove Phoenix? Just leave him alone.” 

I ignore him . I haven't been around to pay attention but I am noticing now and I’m not going to turn a blind eye when someone clearly needs help. I cant help whats been happening , keeping me busy. Ren doesn't understand but how could he I haven't told him anything. I feel the strain between us. He resents that I haven't told him where I’ve been. I just can't. I don't know what to say. I let out a huff of air as I near Micha. I can't decide if this was for Micha or for myself. I can't even tell what I feel guilty for anymore. I just feel guilty all the time. I’m not a very good person. Maybe doing good things will lift some of this weight from me. I stop in front of him and his eyes brush passed me without so much as acknowledging me. Like I could be a punching bag hanging here. I squat down so that we are eye to eye and I stick my hand out practicing the Dauntless greeting. It feels weird to thrust my hand toward someone and when he does not move to take it I clear my throat. Heat rushes into my cheeks and I let my hand fall.

“Micha”

At the sound of his name the clouds in his eyes clear for a moment and he looks at me like he can't believe I’m here. He tightly clutches my elbows and opens his mouth like he wants to speak but then he closes it. I'm startled frozen and when I don't know what to say he finally finds the words to speak. His voice is just a whisper.

“ It was a mistake coming here. This place. It's not safe.”

His eyes shoot towards Leroy and then back to me. He rushes his words now like he's running out of time.

“Its Leroy. Don't trust him. He's insane . They are all insane here. I saw him he ..”

I’m leaning forward now desperate to hear what Leroy has done what Micha has seen. I came here to offer him comfort but I haven't had a chance yet and now the doors to the training room cut him off and he scuttles away from me startled before he can finish his thought. I want to grab him and make him tell me but I feel bad for him. His shoulders are shaking and I can see the fear in his eyes. I don't get to do anything though because the chalkboard being wheeled in by Tobias has captured everyone's attention. I stare at it disbelievingly. Our names are listed in pairings. 

Colton v.s Laura   
Phoenix v.s Leroy  
Blaze v.s Maybell.   
Ren v.s Micha  
Colton v.s Oxley

“Sorry Colton, You’ll have to fight twice.” 

Tobias doesn't sound very apologetic and Eric who strut in after him cuts him off cheerily.

“Colton is ranked first in the transfers and if he can't handle two fights he shouldn't be. It's completely fair.”

Coulton doesn't look like he agrees but he doesn't argue he just glowered at the mat instead. I notice that the pairings seem completely imbalanced. Maybell is going up against one of the strongest kids in the class and Ren is fighting one of the weakest. I don't know what to expect from Leroy for my own fight and my stomach sinks when I realize it's only the second fight listed. 

I spend most of the first fight watching the instructors watch the fight. Tobias stares like it's an obligation which I suppose it is. He never reacts at all. His features are a calculated neutral, a mask. He stands with his arms crossed and his fingers clenched around his biceps, the only sign that he might but uncomfortable watching. Eric was leaning lazily on a punching bag, gripping it at the top with both hands and leaning his weight into it. The bag swayed away from his planted feet and he would pull it back just to do it again. He wiggled on it almost refusing to stand still or hold his own weight. He occasionally would yell out something like ‘ come on already.’ or ‘You're boring me.’ In a way that sounded almost mellow. If this was how Eric acts when he doesn't get enough sleep I might try and deprive him of it more often. There seems to be so much less malice, he just lacks the energy to be intimidating and mean right now. Lucky for him he doesn't have to try for the message to remain clear. Even now it wouldn't be smart to push his buttons. I have no doubt he would snap right back into himself if anyone caused trouble. Colton and Laura are friends and I can see Colton trying to act like her hits hurt more than they probably do and I notice him pulling his punches. Eric still sounding like nothing in the world could bother him yells out to the pair.

“Coulton if your next punch doesn't cream the bitch I’m going to knock your ranking down at least 3 spots.”

Laura’s head snaps in his direction at the insult and I see Eric smirking before Coultons punch hits her clean on the temple and she goes down. My chest tightens. Eric knew exactly what he was doing. He got Laura distracted and he motivated Coulton and within seconds the fight was over. I wonder if we are all so predictable in our fights. I hear Eric telling Coulton to be back in time for his next fight and I presume he is taking Laura to the infirmary but my eyes are on Leroy. He is already standing on the edge of the chalk circle drawn on the Mats. Hes fidgeting and his eyes dart all over the room. It looks like he is muttering to himself and my gut lurches. I really don't want to fight anyone but I can already feel my defenses climbing. I don't know if evasion will be such a great plan in this fight. 

“Phoenix, Leroy, in the ring. Chop chop.”

Eric prompts us and I hesitantly step forward. Leroy makes an unexpected jab for my face before I’m ready and I pull my head back just in time to prevent the impact. Instead his knuckles just lightly graze my ear and I make a quick jab at his ribs. I hit him but not with much force and he seems not to notice. He throws another wild punch and steps forward I step back nearly out of the ring now and dodge him just barely again. He keeps coming at me as I try and shuffle right and he manages to clip my shoulder hard enough to sting. I grit my teeth and kick at his knee. His leg gives out which buys me enough time to circle away from him. 

“Stop playing around.”

Erics voice grates me. I’m trying to think. I need a way out of this and I haven't spotted it yet. I dodge a couple more punches but as I start to get tired the punches get closer to their targets. I see Leroy growing frustrated as I evade him and then I see him snap. He lets out a howl like a wild animal and tears off his shirt. Across his bare chest are large scabbed cuts depicting a crude wolf's paw. The clawed toes span across his chest and the pad of the paw deeps as low as his belly button. I suddenly know exactly what Micah saw, what he had begun to tell me. The sight is gruesome and the whole room gasps. I feel bile climb up my throat as he pounds on the deformed skin of his chest and charges towards me again. I ducklow and throw my shoulder into his waist I roll him over my shoulder and turn around in time to see him clambering back to his feet, Before he can get both legs underneath him I drop my heel onto his neck. He hits the mat but starts to get up again. I move from foot to foot my heart pounding. 

“Fucking hit him, GO!”

Eric is yelling but almost like he is invested in this fight now rather than like he wants us to hurry up and finish it. Leroy manages to get back up and Eric groans stepping forward. When I notice this I drop my guard briefly and Leroy get a hard hit to my ear. I see stars and the mat seems to tilt slightly. A voice in my brain screams keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. So I stumble awkwardly to the side bringing me arms back up and trying to shake the dark edges from my vision. Leroy jabs low and I bring both my elbows down on the top of his head and I throw my hips out of his reach. He slumps to his knees but this time as he begins to stand he pulls a knife from his pants pocket. I hear someone scream, I think it must be Maybell. There's a lot of commotion from outside the ring but I have my eyes glued to the glistening blade. I jump back as fast as I can as he swipes it and the tip of the blade grazes against my stomach. I feel the trail it leaves knowing he has drawn blood. I see Tobias now his hand catching Leroy's and snapping it behind his back. The knife drops from his wrist as Tobias twists it sharply and Leroy cries out. He turned towards Tobias trying to bring his arm back to the front of his body while using his free arm to grab ahold of Tobias’s head. Just as they start to tumble towards the mat in a tangle. Eric is there and has the knife Leroy had been holding. He brings the handle down hard on Leroy's head and he slumps to the floor like a rag doll. There's a long moment of intense silence. Tobias is breathing heavily when he surveys the shocked expressions on his initiates faces. 

“Take 5… make that 10. Be back in the training room in 10 minutes ready to continue.”

No one moves until Eric barks at them.

“GO. Now!” 

Then there's a scrambling of sneakers on mat and the door swings closed behind the last of them. I’m still staring at Leroy's mutilated body lying before me on the ground. 

“So do you want to tell Max? “

Tobias asks as if he were the one working for Max. Eric just scoffs and points to the heap of student in between us all.

“Over his dead body. Do I want to? God no. What would I even say, Sorry Max but this fucking demon child had it coming?”

“Well what do you suggest we do then?” 

“Strap him to a hospital bed and let Meg petition to have him executed as soon as he is conscious enough to annoy the fuck out of her.”

“That is a terrible idea. Eric. Seriously, he's cut anyway after pulling a stunt like that. Why don't we just send him off and write up a report about the knife incident. You can bet the whole compound knows by now anyway since we sent the initiates on break.”

“Shit. You're right. Fuck I hate paperwork.”

I watch them go back and forth looking at Leroy rather than each other. They argue looking at each other but when they have their brief moments of getting along it's while carefully avoiding eye contact of any kind. I’ve had my hand clutched to my stomach and now as I pull it back I see my palm is sticky with blood. I lift the edge of my shirt up to inspect the cut and see that it's actually pretty deep. The front of my shirt is soaked in blood and the gash extends from the bottom of my ribs on my right side to the top of my left hip. I’m considering the tattoo I’ll need to cover this scar when the boys notice what I’m doing. 

“Shit, Nix!” 

Eric's hands are on my hips and his face is right in front of my cut as he squats down and begins prodding the skin lightly. I wince and his hands immediately leave.

“Fuck that looks like it fucking hurts.”

I don't know why I say it, maybe it's the adrenaline or else an attempt to not think about it hurting.

“You swear a lot when you panic. “

“I’m not panicking”

“Sure you aren't.”

He shoots a quick look at Tobias who is hovering right behind him looking like he wants to shove Eric out of the way. He meets my eyes again with a stern squint that says ‘shut the fuck up in front of Tobias’ . Tobias talks right over Eric's head like he’s not even there.

“Come on Phoenix, I’ll take you to the infirmary to get that looked at.“

I can see what Eric was worried about now. I pull the shirt back over the wound and press my hand to it to relieve some of the pain. I try to give Tobias an innocent look but I can't control the tense of my face. Eric stands straight turning to block Tobias from my view and meet eyes with him.

“Not so fast you need to help me carry the maniac. Grab his feet, we’ll both walk her. And hurry up before the rest of these sorry fuckers show up again.” 

Tobias looks like he hates that idea but being reminded of Leroy on the ground he clenches his jaw and bends to grab Leroy's feet. I hurry ahead of them and pull open the gym door, my stomach aches with the effort and I flinch. Tobias looks worried, like he might drop Leroy and help me walk instead. I shake my head at him and stand in the open door so that they can pass through. Eric looks at me gratefully something honest in his eyes as he passes me. Our eyes stay locked for a second his head turning over his shoulder to maintain eye contact before snapping forward again as he continues down the hall. Tobias has a vein bulging out of his forehead and I know he is thinking about our conversation on the train last night. Which Dauntless members I spend my time with. I follow them quietly listening to the sound of their breathing as the lug his unconscious body to the infirmary. Once we arrive to the all too familiar hospital room Meg rushes up to look at Leroy dangling limply between Tobias and Eric. As the heave him up onto a cot Meg gasps.

“What did you do!?”

Eric rolls his eyes as he immediately straps leather bed cuffs to all of Leroys limbs.

“He did it to himself, thank you though for believing in my evil villainy so strongly.”

There's an edge of offense to his tone and Meg looks sheepishly at her patient.

“Thats disturbing to say the least. Why is he unconscious?”

“That part was me.”

Eric shot her a sly grin now and I felt the strange urge to laugh. Before I can stifle it a little giggle escapes my lips and I clutch my stomach in pain. Laughing hurts, a lot. Meg says my bloodied hand pressed to my stomach and her face becomes intense. She swoops forward pulling my hand away with more force than I expected. The loss of pressure makes the cut throb and I groan. Shes clicking her tongue as she lifts my shirt up.

“This is nasty. Not deadly, You’ll be fine but I need to check for internal bleeding just incase and we definitely need to get this cleaned and stitched as soon as possible. Come on come on. I’ve got another bed for you.”

Meg starts ushering me towards the closed curtains on the other side of Leroy and both Eric and Tobias step forward as if to follow us. They halt when they notice each other. They lock eyes glowering like they are about to argue over who stays here and who goes back to the class. Luckily Meg saves the day.

“ Don't even think about it. Either of you. No boys allowed. Get out of my infirmary and go make sure none of your students are carving each other up. GO!” 

Tobias watches Eric for his response and Eric grinds his teeth mulling it over. He turns sharply on his heels and stocks out of the room letting the door slam closed behind him. TObias still lingering opens his mouth to speak but Meg cuts him off.

“AH what did I just say?”

Tobias shakes his head defeated and walks through the door like his spine is a metal rod and his leg stiff as well. I look at Meg whose hair is now a soft canary yellow instead of cotton candy pink like last time I saw her and she winks at me.

“You can scream if you need to when we do the stitches. I know you would have tried to be tough for those guys but it's just us and honestly. This is going to fucking hurt.”

I swallow dryl. Great.


	16. The Crash at the Chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phoenix gets invited to a party, Eric tags along

I lay on the sterile white cot catching my breath. Meg is packing up her sewing kit and tossing out the bloodied gauze. My stomach is wrapped in white cotton and medical tape , many gauze pads were needed to reach from my ribs to my opposite hip and now it looks like my entire stomach is injured. The pain from before is just a dull throbbing and the remnants of stinging the alcohol has left behind. I let my head fall back. This sucks, everyone uses their core muscles constantly for balance and for almost any movement. That means literally everything I do is going to hurt for a while. It seems like it's been a long minute but when I open my eyes Meg is still standing there looking at me. 

 

“I'm okay, it doesn't hurt that bad.”

 

I lie. It hurt like a bitch but I wanted Meg and her concerned face to leave. She looks down at the blankets on the bed and makes a sort of clicking noise with her tongue. She gazes downward as she asks me something that sends a chill through my bones.

 

“Who are you?”

“What?”

 

I gulp feeling the panic starting to build. What does Meg know? There's no way she could have figured out that I’m Tobias’s sister. It's not possible but as I wait for her to respond my heart starts pounding. 

 

“In the past two years you wouldn't believe the number of times I had to patch up Eric or Four or both of them because they had a full out brawl over some stupid thing. They have been at eachothers throats and I’ve been worried that one of these times one of them was going to end up dead. Since you've gotten here things have changed. Just now when they brought you here I saw them both concerned about the same thing. You've given them something in common and I don't know how.”

 

Megs gaze is heavy on my face. I don't know what to say. I hadn't realized just how tense their relationship had been. Imagining it even less friendly than it is now is difficult. 

 

“I’m just an initiate.”

 

Meg shakes her head.

 

“No you aren't. Believe it or not Eric and Four used to be friends. Best friends actually. They were inseparable right after initiation. Them and Amar who had been their instructor. When Amar died things went sour. Now that you are here they are closer to the friendship they used to have then I’ve seen since. I don't know what you're doing but... thank you. Eric isn't a very personable guy. When Four turned on him so did everyone else. He didn't make things much better growling at everyone and strutting around this place like some kind of crucified saint. It's hard to like someone who spends all their time moping”

 

My gut feels tight not just from the bandaging and some strange part of me wants to cry. I don't, I just nod my head once and look at my hands. I can't explain to Meg whats going on and I don't know if the influence I’ve had on their relationship is as good as Meg thinks. If anything they are both trying to pull me in their direction. I hear loud footsteps and voices coming down the hall and when I look up the curtain is fluttering closed behind Meg. It soon burst open again and Ren and Maybell come darting to my side.

 

“Phoenix!”

 

Maybell cries out when she sees me laying on the cot. She darts to my side clambering onto the foot of my bed and grabbing my legs with her delicate hands.

 

“Hey guys.”

 

I smile sheepishly at Ren who stands a foot or two back looking less pleased to be visiting me than Maybell.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Maybells concern is making me uncomfortable and I just ignore her question all together. Still looking at Ren I ask.

 

“How did your fights go?”

 

He leans on the pole holding the curtain up and fiddles with some lint on his shirt.

 

“My fight was quick Micha didn't even swing for a punch. He stood there and just took a beating until Four called the fight.”

 

Ren doesn't look happy about it but I’m glad he won. I’d never doubted he would but knowing that Ren is safe in the rankings is just one less thing to worry about. I look at Maybell now searching her for injury. Surprisingly she seems fine. No obvious bruises or scrapes. I feel my eyebrows pull together.

 

“And you?”

 

Maybell looks ready to explode and when she starts speaking her words buble out of her like a waterfall tumbling over rocks.

 

“I won my fight against Blaze! I went for the soft spots like Ren taught me and he didn't even get to hit me because I kept moving like  I saw you do and so I won!”

 

I feel myself mirroring her smile but I’m startled by her accreditations. I feel pride looking at her, so small and dainty yet obviously a force to be met. 

 

“Maybell that's incredible! Blaze is a tough opponent I don't even know how I’d fight him. I’m so proud of you.”

 

Ren is still staring hard at me from behind Maybell like he would rather be talking about something else. 

 

“So when can you get out of here?”

 

Ren asks me in a way that makes it known that he intends to occupy my time tonight. I remember how easily I had tuned out the last time I hung out with both of them and I resist the urge to sigh. It's not that I don't like them  I do, there is just so much else going on in my life that needs attention and hanging out with them does very little to sustain my insatiable mind. Before I can tell him that I don't know Meg appears behind him.

 

“Whelp Phoenix it looks like you're good to go. Do you still have pain pills from your last visit?”

 

I remember the untouched bottle of medication I shoved in my beside table last time and nod my head at her. I think this time I may actually open it considering the ache in my gut.

“Good then just continue taking those and come back tomorrow so we can change your bandage. I mean it this time. This is more serious than your nose bandage was, You can't just rip it off yourself and go about your business we need to do this right or you could get a really deadly infection.”

 

I nod my head understanding just how serious she is. This injury  _ feels _ more serious and I don't know that Id even want to look at what's under this bandage. I’ll definitely be coming back.

 

“Thanks Meg, I’ll come back, promise.”

She writes something on her black clipboard and continues talking.

 

“Don't lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, do not run or exercise in any way for at least a week probably longer. No fights, honestly try not to even laugh to hard.”

 

I nod my head starting to grasp just how difficult this recovery will be. As I move and put my legs over the side of the bed a grit my teeth at the pain. Maybell and Ren quickly appear to help me up and I push air through my teeth as I finally get on my feet. 

“Thankyou “

I say again as my two silent friends help me to walk out of the infirmary. Megs eyes are still quizzical as she watches me. I have no idea how to guess what she's thinking about. It worries me a little but I try to shove it out of my mind and focus instead on where exactly I’m headed. 

 

“So where are we going guys?”

As I ask the labor of moving is apparent in my voice. Ren answers me.

 

“I figured we would go back to the dorms so you can rest. We can hang out there since everyone is out celebrating the end of stage one tonight.”

 

I nod my head since speaking while upright proved to be difficult. I’m glad to know we will likely be alone in the Dorms. I feel a little bad about keeping Ren and Maybell there with me instead of letting them go celebrate but I at least need their help back to the dorm, I can try and talk them into going out and having some fun after I’m settled. The reason I have spent almost no time in there is partly due to how crowded it always is so this should be nice and relaxing. I really do prefer small gatherings. 

 

When we reach the dorms it is such a relief to be sitting again. Ren and Maybell are crowded together on the other end of my bunk near my feet and we all sit in silence for a moment. I notice that Ren and Maybell sit with their arms touching and that a small smile plays on her lips. I wonder just how close the two of them are becoming. I decide to ask.

 

“So you two. Are you guys like a thing?”

 

The question comes out awkward and I kick myself for being so terrible at conversation. I watch Maybell blush and duck her face where as Ren just looks sort of guilty as he chews his lips fighting against the smile that tried to spread. Maybell answers me. 

 

“We’re kind of a thing. Maybe.”

 

She glances at Ren shyly and he can't fight the smile this time. Looking at her his eyes are bright and he tucks his hair behind one of his ears.

 

“Yeah, were something.”

 

I smile but when I speak a take on a fake chastising voice.

 

“Okay good but also knock it off, seriously your mushy faces are going to make me vomit.”

 

They both laugh now and the air between us feels more friendly at least. 

 

After spending a few hours just talking on my bunk all plans to kick ren and Maybell out have gone out the window. We are simply having too much fun.  They have managed to sprawl out with me. My head is resting on Ren’s feet his head is in Maybells lap and we are all curled in a sort of C shape on my tiny bunk. Ren’s face grows serious now though as all of our guard have finally dropped and our relaxed state turns contemplative.

 

“What's been going on Phoenix. I know there is stuff you aren't tell ing us. Where have you been?”

 

I feel so tired looking at their worried faces. How do I tell them what's been happening. There is so much they can't know. I take a second to mull over what there is that is safe to say and I decide on a few things.

 

“There's a lot, you're right. I don't know. I found out that my memories were erased.”

 

I see shock on Maybells face but Ren looks more curious than surprised. So I continue speaking while I watch Maybells fingers comb through Rens long auburn hair. 

 

“I just realized that so much of my life is just blank in my head. I can't remember… anything from before I was 9 maybe 10 it's hard to say exactly, it's sort of blurry, even what I can remember.”

 

I catch myself before saying I can't remember  _ much _ . I know how smart Ren is and I don't want to hint at my divergence. I clear my throat before saying the last of what I intend to tell them.

 

“I’ve just been trying to figure out how that's possible. I found out that there is a serum that wipes memories , It's the abnegation serum. I just haven't figured out who gave it to me or how or why.”

 

Maybells hands have stilled. I realize now just how little I know. I know more than I just told them but honestly not much. I have suspicions that Marcus gave me the serum but I’m not sure if he really did or why he would want to or how he could get away with it and I have no other solid theory to counter it.

 

“Thats crazy. No Way, how can there be a serum that wipes your memory?”

 

“No Phoenix is right May, I’ve read about it back in Erudite. Nothing in our books suggested it's ever been used but there was a rumor about it. People said that when criminals are sentenced to long terms, life sentences. When they are considered too dangerous to be reintegrated into society they get an alternative offer. They can choose to wipe their memories and start over. They won't know who they were but they won't spend all of their life in a jail cell. It's a really crappy choice but it's the only chance at a new start they have. I dont know if thats even true but that's what I heard.”

 

I take in that information like a man dying of thirst drinks water.

“Criminal's, brilliant. I hadn't even considered that it had a use. I thought it was unbelievable that it existed I hadn't even considered why it existed.”

 

Part of me doesn't think Ren is right or that he isn't entirely right. Perhaps that is what the serum is used for now but it doesn't seem like a reason to have invented it. Especially not if it belongs to Abnegation who really have nothing to do with the justice system. It obviously can't be the only reason it's used. What crime could a 9 year old have committed that would result in an ultimatum like that. It's just not possible. Some doubtful place in my heart grows worried though. What if that is what happened. What if I'm not Tobias’s estranged sister and I’m just some seriously depraved child who did something so unspeakable that I had to have my memory erased. I feel in my gut the awful violent nature I have seen brought out by the first stages training. Im rash, I'm aggressive. I could be capable of awful things. My heart sinks and I my chest swells. I think of how my ‘mother’ despised me so much and how my ‘father’s’ death had always seemed so falsified and my whole body clenches. Ren and Maybell look concerned like they followed some of what I was thinking and Rens apologetic voice bursts through my downward spiral.

 

“I don't have  _ any _ proof of that I mean it's just a rumor Erudite kids spread for fun. We would joke that adults who forget things all the time were really reintegrate criminals. The nwe would try and guess what awful crimes these dorky old book worms might have committed in another life. It was sort of a game. You shouldn't take it too seriously, I mean you can't have been a criminal like that anyway right? You were just a kid.”

 

I nod at him and try to relax my muscles a little bit. There is another explanation I just know it but the doubt in my mind feels like it's eating a whole through my mind and I find myself losing focus on the conversation Maybell and Ren are sharing. My eyelids feel heavy and I hear Ren and Maybell trying to gently disentangle themselves from me. I doze off as I hear the door to the dorm room shut.

 

I'm woken by a gentle tickle by my ear and Immediately slap my hand at whatever creepy crawly thing is living down in this dark dank compound. My hand meets skin with a loud clap and I realize that it was not a spider but a hand brushing my hair away from my face. My eyes shoot open and I move to sit up but there is another hand on my shoulder gently pushing me back down. 

 

“Woe hey don't move. I’m sorry I didn't mean to startle you.”

 

Erics voice is gentle and I can smell the alcohol on his breath. His eyes are slightly unfocused and his hands are incredibly warm against my skin.

 

“You've been drinking again”

 

I say for lack of better words in this moment.

 

“I know” 

 

He reaches towards the floor and returns brandishing a bottle of some dark amber liquid sloshing some back before smacking his lips dramatically.

“Do you always drink straight from the bottle?”

 

There's is an edge of concern to my voice but Eric just shrugs.

 

“Why wash dishes? Plus bottles are more portable.”

 

I nod as if that logic makes sense. Eric is drunk and drunk Eric is dangerous to my heart. I see the softness in his face already and I know that we need to leave the dorm area. 

 

“Eric, let's go someplace else.”

 

I look hard at him hoping to implant the idea of cameras into his brain with sheer force but he still looks confused. I see the dawning of realization as he shoots a quick glance over his shoulder. So that's where the camera is in here. I log that for future reference. The camera is in the corner above the door facing the whole room but not the door into the bathrooms which expect don't have any cameras at all. He nods like he understands but then what he says next confuses me. 

 

“You should be out celebrating the end of stage one.”

That is not why we need to leave the dorm at all. Drunk Eric apparently has partying on the brain. 

 

“Do I look like I’m up for much celebrating? Besides rankings aren't posted until tomorrow, there's nothing to celebrate yet.”

 

“Sure there is.”

 

He sizes me up and before I know it he has wrapped his arms under my legs and shoulder blades preceding to lift me bridal style from my bed. My stomach tenses in surprise and I wince. He stills for a moment after he stand waiting for me to relax before jostling me anymore. 

 

“Eric what are you doing?”

 

He strains his head and manages to take a sip of his alcohol from over my body and then he smiles like he a champion and moves to leave the dorm.

 

“Seriously?”

 

I ask looking at this stupid grin. He just laughs and kicks open the swingin door so we can pass through it.I move on to criticizing the next stupid idea he has.

“Right because carrying me out of the dorm isn't going to catch any attention.”

 

I try to bring some reason to him but he just shakes his head at me and turns down the dark hallway heading away from the pit.

 

“I told you everyone is celebrating like you should be. The control room is pretty much empty, there's just a couple people up there do meet minimum security requirements, everyone else is out having a good time.”

 

“Why would Dauntless members be celebrating? And why leave the room at all if noone is watching.”

 

“I didn't say no one was watching I said very few people were watching which means they each have much more to watch than usual and will probably miss some stuff if they are paying attention at all. I may have given them some very fine libations before coming to get you. And Dauntless seizes any excuse to celebrate. Initiation every year is a month full of partying.”

 

I realize now that Eric had always intended to bring me out of the dorm and I laugh a little trying not to jostle my cut.

 

“Okay so where are we going?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

He shoots me a heart stopping grin and I can't help the excitement that dwells in me. Before long I can hear the rushing water of the chasm and I flash back to the last time we were here together. Tangled up in each other, my back pressed to the cool stone as the warmth of his tongue pressed into me. Gazing at his face I nearly gasp, those soft inviting lips are calling to me and I want to relive that moment now. So with my face flush I tuck it out of view against Eric's shoulder stifling the powerful urge that memory brought to the surface. He stiffens a little but doesn't say anything as we walk passed the scene of our last and only entanglement. I’m about to ask him where we are headed again but he turns down a slim rock corridor I’d never noticed before and we emerge on a thin rock shore at the base of the chasm. The rocks are dark in color from where the water has splashed onto them and much lighter further back where they remain dry. They jut up at odd angles closer to the rushing water having been carved by the force of the flow but the rocks farther to the outside are smoother and flat. Rocks that must have been submerged previously made smooth over time before the water way had narrowed changing shape. It had created a wonderful little secluded area and I wondered how often people visited it. If Eric's brought me here tonight I’d guess not often.  The water rushing past is loud and the mist of its spray feels invigorating against my skin. Having napped I have gained a lot of energy and I feel very alert despite my reluctance to move at all. Eric sets me down gently before throwing himself down beside me with much less caution. He extends the half full bottle towards me and I grip the neck hesitantly. It is warm from his grip and I stare at it for a moment.

 

“Go on, take a sip. I don't want to be the only one making an ass out of themself.”

 

I chuckle at the light hearted tone to his voice and I tip the bottle back. The liquid is warm and tastes disgusting. It burns my throat on the way down and when I pull it from my lips I cough and squint my face up.

 

“Thats rancid! How do you drink that?”

 

Eric is full on laughing now tapping the bottom of the bottle encouraging me to take another sip.

 

“Go on Go on, you're going to need a little more than that.”

 

His eyes are lit up by his amusement and he looks so beautiful I can't even entertain the idea of refusing. Despite the awful burning the second sip isn't as bad and  I Feel a strange tingle beginning in my collar bones.

 

“Oh, wow.”

 

I take a third bigger ship and now Eric takes the bottle back.

 

“Okay, okay, I said a little more. Don't go too fast,  I don't need you vomitting those stitches loose or Meg will skin me.”

 

I feel a familiar guilt when he mentions Meg.

 

“How are things with her? Since the time you helped me I mean. Has she forgiven you?”

 

Eric looks somber for a second and I almost regret mentioning it but then he answers me with more affection than I anticipated.

 

“Yeah Nix, things are alright. I talked to her earlier today. I don't know if she's forgiven me exactly but I think she knows something is up with me and so she isn't prying too much for an apology. I did anyways.. Apologize I mean. I think we will be fine.”

 

He is looking at the rushing water and my heart is beating fast again. Eric clearly cares for Meg and his vulnerability about it feels like a special secret only I am allowed in on. Still there is a part of me that feels jealous. I'm glad he has Meg, knowing how few and far between his friends are but having his affection feels so empowering that I find myself reluctant to share it with anyone.

“Yeah well I hope things aren't  _ too _ good.”

 

I realize after it's left my mouth how stupid that sounded and the conversation has suddenly turned towards dangerous. Erics eyes whip towards me in an instant. I watch a predatory grin crawl across his features pulling the skin around his lip rings taunt and I feel like I might be having a heart attack. Im mortified and then he speaks and it only gets worse.

 

“Are you jealous?”

 

His voice manages to be both incredulous and completely sure of the answer and I open my mouth to speak but I just let out a small croak before quickly grabbing the bottle from his hand and throwing back a big swig.

 

“You are!”

 

He exclaims tauntingly and I shake my head both from the booze and from the embarrassment.

 

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

 

Erics face is wicked as he leans into my personal space. I stop breathing and he gently pushes the bottle towards my mouth again with his eyes locked on mine.

 

“Drink Up I like where this is going”

 

I laugh harder now the pain in my stomach seeming more distant than it has all day and I take another gulp before handing the bottle back. 

 

“You are evil.”

 

I mumble at him watching the way his throat moves as he takes a few gulps in a row. The bottle is quickly draining and I almost panic. I don't want to run out. Whatever this is where ever its going it can't stop before it even beings. Eric sees the worry on my face and extends the bottle back to me.

 

“Cheer up Amity there's more where that came from.”

 

I roll my eyes at him.

 

“You haven't called me Amity in a while”

 

He leans back on his hands looking me over. I haven't seen myself in a while my hair is probably a mess I can feel it all piled to one side. I suddenly feel self conscious under his gaze. I tug my shirt away from my chest  so that it won't cling to me and drink from the bottle.

 

“No,You're right. I have not. You haven't acted very Amity since you got here, If I didn't know you I’d guess you were from Erudite or maybe Abnegation.”

 

I almost spit out my mouth full of booze and a little dribble manages to grace my chin.

 

“Abegantion? Seriously? Come on.”

 

Eric is laughing but he reaches out to catch the dribble on my chin. He sticks his thumb into his mouth sucking the drip from his skin and pulling it free with a pop.

 

“You’d be surprised, some of the people here are from abnegation, it's interesting which qualities stick with them.”

 

My eyes are still on his hands the breath having left me at the sight of what he just did. I clear my throat afraid I’m being too obvious. He snickers at me reaction before  I Get the chance to reply. He knows exactly what he is doing, teasing me. 

 

“What you mean like Tobias? It is sort of hard to believe isnt it.”

 

Erics face darkens and he turns back towards the chasm.

 

“Lets not talk about him.”

 

I can sense the depth of their relationship and Meg's words earlier remind me just how close they used to be. I can't help my curiosity and I think that maybe in this drunken state he might open up about what happened between them.

 

“Why not?”

 

He lets out a feral growl and roughly snatches the bottle from my hand.

 

“Why do you like him so much anyway? He’s just a stiff with a tough guy complex.”

 

That's ironic I think as he jerks the bottle back completely draining it of all remaining alcohol and I watch him cautious about how I proceed.

 

“It's complicated.”

 

I decide on saying that and I see how poorly it goes over. Eric tosses the bottle full force into the rock wall on the other side of the water and it shatters . I’m reminded of the sound it made last time when the glass hit the stone floors but this time it silently merges with the rushing water as it falls. 

 

“I don't fucking understand why everyone likes him so much. He’s a fucking asshole just like me. Just like me”

 

The second time he says it it's much quieter and the pain in his face makes me want to reach out and touch him. Meg had said that everyone turned on Eric the same time Tobias did and I realize just how much of a betrayal it must feel like to him that I still like Tobias. He doesn't know though that He is my brother and that no matter what he did I don't know that I could ever turn away from him. For the first time in my life I feel like I have some kind of family and I can't possibly let it go. I ache at the thought of ever having to chose between them. I couldn't do it.  I decide to take the risk and I lean forward slightly pressing my hand to Erics which is spread across the stone supporting his weight. He looks at my hand then up at my face and I prepare myself to speak.

 

“Look, hey, I know there's some heavy shit between you too. I don't know what happened but you can't expect me to pick sides over something that happened before I was even here. I don't like him  _ more _ than I like you, I just like him… differently.”

 

I try to reach him wherever he has receded too but he holds back still. The guard he holds makes him seem so distant.

 

“If you knew what happened you would take his side just like everyone else.”

 

I pull my hand back now offended by his lack of trust.

 

“How can you know that?”

 

I try to stay cool but what he said was so dismissive that it made whatever we share seem completely ordinary to him. 

 

“I just know.”

The anger I feel is somehow magnified by the slight sway of the world so when I scramble to me feet the awkward wobble in my step makes me even more volatile. Eric notices me getting up and moves to steady me but  I swat his hands away drunkenly.

 

“Don't touch me. If you trust me so little, if you think that I would just turn my back on you at the drop of a hat then you don't get to touch me and confuse me with all your constant mood swings and pretty eyes and bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Asshole.”

 

My bold speech became some sort of mumbled mess by the end but my whole body is shaking with anger and I know that if I had continued speaking  I Would have worked myself up even more so I grit my teeth and stare into his face.

 

“I'm sorry Nix, just wait a second okay? I wasn't trying to doubt you I just, I've seen it happen before. Anytime I start to feel close to someone Tobias shows up and whispers to them like some sort of dark magician and they vanish. Whatever he tells them works and they leave and they never come back. No One ever asks me, no one wants to know what I have to say. You spend so much time with him already so how can I expect you not to do the same?”

 

“I’m not everyone Eric. If you want the chance to say your piece you have it right now. Besides I’d never make such a rash decision without hearing both sides of the story.”

 

Eric eyes me skeptically. The tension between us starting to dull out. The mood here had shifted so quickly our laughing and flirting became this yelling match and it almost seems like it's about to flip again. I already know I can't hold on to the anger, its slips passed me reach and my shoulders slump the longer I look at his face. I watch his guard falling just the same as mine and his eyes so bright before look more tired now.

 

“Come on, we are supposed to be celebrating. I didn't mean to start a fight.”

 

“Do you ever?”

 

I flicker starts and then the fire I love spreads through his features.

 

“Sometimes.”

 

His voice is mischievous and just like that I’m giggling again. All of our issues are forgotten again I take his extended hand so that I can climb back over the uneven rocks towards the hallway we came from. 

 

“So.. pretty eyes huh?”

I slap his arm as he teases me embarassed by what  I said. I am too proud to go back on it though so I try and defend it .

“You're eyes are like crystal glaciers surrounding a cosmic supernova of vast depth.”

 

“Jesus”

 

Eric is looking at me with his eyebrows raised like he can't believe I just said that and I throw all caution to the wind knowing that if I take it even further he won't look so skittish and my affection won't seem so obvious. 

 

“Not good enough for you? Okay I can do better, lets see. Your eyes are like too pools of liquid saffire spiraling amidst opal with an immovable force at its center made of pure glistening onyx.”

 

“ Oh god stop!”

 

Even as Eric cried for me not to continue he smiles and the color of his cheeks begin to brighten.  A thrill shoots through me. I have the power to make Eric blush. I feel like I have just unlocked the key to the most important part of our friendship. Eric’s suddenly pressing my back into the rock wall and I have a strange sense of Deja Vu. His face is a mere inch from mine when he says something in a husky voice.

  
“What is that look you were just giving me. It was positively wicked.”

 

My blood is rushing through my veins so fast I can practically hear it. I’m breathlessly happy as I answer him.

 

“I was just making note of how to make you blush like a little boy for future reference.”

 

A rumble comes from his chest as his lips crash into mine. This kiss is so much better than the last one. Maybe it’s because we are both a little drunk or maybe it's because there isn't so much sadness in Eric's eyes but I have never felt so good in my life. His lips move hungrily against mine with a forcefulness that raises goosebumps. I gasp as his lips move across my chin and over to my ear. He leaves little nips with his canine teeth always quickly smothered in kisses. The pit of my gut curls at his touch and the feel of his breath against my skin. His hands begin to trail up my sides towards my chest. A swell of panic beginning in my toes moves me into action. I quickly grabbed his hand before it could reach its destination.

 

“Eric, don't.”

 

He pulls back to look at me his lips are swollen and red from kissing and his pupils nearly swallow the blue of his iris. I notice his hips are distinctly tilted away from mine and he clears his throat.

“ I’m sorry, you just….”

 

He trails off as his eyes move over my face lavishly.

 

“Phoenix.”

 

We both jump apart at the sound of my name being called. Uriah approaches the mouth of the tunnel slowing his pace as he nears. The staggered light passes over his face before returning it into shadow when he is finally at our sides.

 

“I thought that was you, I was looking for you… Hi Eric. “

 

Uriah looks on Eric with reluctance before turning back to me. 

 

“Four wanted me to bring you to Tori’s party. He thought it would be good to get you out of the dorm but it looks like you found your way out all on your own.”

 

Uriah probably doesn't mean to be rude but I chose to correct him anyways.

 

“Not completely on my own. Eric and I were hanging out celebrating a bit. We could stop by though if Four is asking.”

 

Uriah shoots a nervous look at Eric who has appear behind me. I feel the soft touch of his finger tips at the small of my back out of view of Uriah and Il a tingle shoots up my spine. 

 

“I’m not sure that's what Four meant…”

 

Eric jumps in to cut off Uriah.

 

“Look I don't want to go to your stupid party and I know Tori wants me there even less than Four. It's fine. Nix just go say hi do whatever you're gonna do. When you're done you can find me.”

 

Uriah looks relieved and I puff my chest out in defence.

 

“No, I’m not going to leave you all alone to drink by yourself just because Four is a big baby. He can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants me to come he can deal with you coming with me, “

 

Uriah looks crestfallen at my declaration and I see that mischievous glint as I lock eyes with Eric. His eyebrows shoot up and he piles the long hair at the crown of his head into a messy bun. His hair is just long enough there to do so and I notice affectionately that it's my stolen hair tie he uses.

“Very well then. Let's go stir the pot”

 

Despite his flippant response I see the way Erics jaw has tennsed. He's doing this for me. We follow Uriah up to Tori's apartment, Eric trailing behind the both of us, that is directly behind her tattoo parlor. Before we move to enter Uriah quickly turns around. He is obviously reaching the crest of whatever has been occupying his mind this whole walk.

 

“Look just don't start anything tonight okay? I’m just trying to have a good time and Domino is in there too. He doesn't need to go through this shit over and over.”

 

I know Domino and I get excited knowing he's on the other side of the door but I’m confused about how he plays into the beef between Eric and Tobias. I look at Eric whose nostrils are flaring as he stares down Uriah. I can tell he want to go off so I jump in instead.

 

“Thankyou Uriah for a recapping of manners and etiquette. I’ll try to refrain from slapping the judgement off your face.” 

 

Uriah looks surprised but when Eric laughs so does he. They both laugh a little harder and clap me on the shoulder as Uriah turns and opens the door for us. Only at Dauntless would what I said be met with such acceptance. I’m standing in front of Eric and when I enter there  is a roar of drunken cheering. I spot Tobias sitting on the arm of a couch and he quickly strolls over to me throwing his arm around my shoulder and beaming a smile at me. I relax into the half hug laughing at how loose and jovial he is. I haven't had much time with him since our trip back from Erudite and I’ve missed him. I look at him now with a sense of pride. Tobias, my brother. The words sound wonderful in my head. 

 

“We gotta get you a drink you look so serious!” 

 

His statement is met with another cheer from the room and then suddenly it all cuts to silence and Eric appears standing with one of his shoulders behind mine and his face towards the ground. He peeks up with his chin still turned down and whispers out of the corner of his mouth.

 

“Did I forget to mention that I was specifically uninvited.”

 

I look around the room at the horrified faces of all the party goers. My eyes land specifically on Dominos whose face is a mask of pain. He turns away completely unlike the rest of the room who stare unashamed. I try to be the voice of positivity. 

 

“Oh shush, You were there when I was invited that's good enough.”

 

He shakes his head eyeing each person individually for a moment. The hush had turned to rushed murmuring.

 

“No Nix, I mean to say that I was specifically banned from Tori's apartment 2 years ago.”

 

Four has gone rigid beside me and he stares at Eric coldly.

 

“Pheonix what is he doing here?”

 

Tobias and Eric have both whispered to me now even though they are standing no further than two feet apart on either side of me.

 

“Seriously Four? You're being childish. What happened to my drink? Wasn't someone going to make me a drink.”

 

“You don't know what you are doing Pheonix.”

 

Tobias tries to undermine me again but this time I’m moving away from them completely hurdling further into the room with determination. I will single handedly restart this parties heart. I hop up onto the couch grabbing a drink from Meg's hand as I go  she lets out a small cry of indignation at its loss but I ignore her and lift it high above my head.

 

“A Toast! To the end of pig headedness!”

 

I look directly at Tobias who is nearly pouting at my display. He can't do anything about it but he clearly doesn't like it.Eric still next to him is smirking and shaking his head. He also does not like it but he likes me. My heart warms at the thought and with my eyes on his I extend my drink towards him and take a sip. Whatever Meg was drinking taste so much better than what Eric had back at the chasm and I knock the whole thing back in one go. That was enough to get things started because as I drank someone started stomping until everyone was stomping a building roar of feet on stone. Then when I put the cup down the rumbling exploded into cheers and someone who looked exceptionally like Uriah pulled me onto his shoulders and carried me over towards the table that was serving s a bar. 

 

Later that night things have managed to go smoothly. We all sat in a disorganized lumpy circle in the middle of a game of truth or dare. Everyone had been getting steadily more trashed as the night progressed and that had lead to Uriah daring his brother Zeke to put a smoke bomb between his butt cheeks and run through the halls. Admittedly it had been hilarious to see him leaving a trail of smoke like a huge fart cloud as he shrieked about the unholy stench. The laughter had me in tears. Tobias had skipped his last turn and was no glowering into his cup on my right side. Eric has refrained from participating much in what seemed like an effort not to draw attention to himself and for the most part everyone ignores him, he sits on my left. It's Tobias's turn again and this time he looks up at the sound of is name

 

“Go ahead ask someone.”

 

Uriah encourages him, clearly making an effort to pull Tobis from the funk he has fallen into.

 

“Eric.”

 

This is going to be bad. I can feel it already I look to Eric who has the same concern on his face. He lifts his chin to Tobias waiting to be asked the standard question.

 

“Truth or dare?”

 

“Truth.”

 

Thats smart I think. Now Tobias cant dare him to leave or something equally cruel. 

 

“Why did you kill Amar.”

 

The whole room groans and the sound of people getting up startles me. Whats going on?

 

“Oh Jesus man!”

 

Erics outraged cry also confuses me.  There are other voices too saying things like ‘here we go again’ and ‘that was fun while it lasted’. How is it that Eric seemed ready for that.Is he used to getting saked that ridiculous question. Is everyone. The look of total fatigue on all of their faces makes me think I’ve just found the root of their descent into nemeses. 

  
“No I want to fucking know why you did it.”

 

Four is nearly shouting over me now. 

 

“I didn't fucking kill your boyfriend”

 

Erics thunderous voice is met with the most complete silence I’ve heard in such a crowded room since arriving at dauntless. Everyone sitting in the circle. Tori, Uriah, Zeke, Meg, Lauren, Domino and a handful of people whose names I am less familiar with are utterly silent. You can hear a pin drop when Tobias replays a voice thick with emotion.

 

“ He wasn't...”

 

Eric cuts him off.

 

“Oh come on.. Everyone knew, you guys weren't exactly discreet despite all the sneaking around you were doing. Its okay you can be gay, this isn't abnegation. None gives a shit who you fuck.”

 

I can tell that Eric is being extra crude just for the sake of making Tobias uncomfortable when I watch him flinch at the language and implications. 

 

“Eric you fucking traitor !”

 

“Me the traitor? Who turned their back on who Judas!?”

 

Then they are both yelling voices so loud I can barely separate them let alone decipher much of what they are saying. They are on their feet now trying to push into each other and I’m defiantly standing between them trying in vain to get their attention.

 

“Eric!” 

 

I try but he doesn't hear me.

 

“How could you think I killed him, what the fuck does that say about your loyalty!”

 

I roll my eyes and pivot.

 

“Four!”

 

I try to get his attention but he is standing on his tiptoes to trying and yell down into Eric's face.

 

“I know you fucking did it. You killed him and I’m reminded of it every fucking day when I see that stupid tattoo.”

 

I look back at Eric as the shouting continues. There are other people in this room but none of them do anything. I see Uriah cleaning up some abandoned cups and I see Toria on the phone looking over at the boys. Meg is pulling out her first aid kit that she apparently carries in her purse and that's when I realize why none of them are doing anything. This has happened before. This is what Meg talked about in the infirmary. They are going to fight this out right here. Just as I realize this I feel I sharp push on my left shoulder as Tobias lunges for Erics throat and Eric takes a swing over my head at Four. Im directly in the middle of this about to be crushed by these two imbeciles. I hear the thud of skin on skin and recognize that Eric has just taken a hard hit to the right eye. He stumbles back a foot or so pulling his hand away with a small trace of blood from the top of his cheek bone. He moves towards Tobias again.

 

“Four! Eric!”

 

I’m yelling now but they are too dead set on attacking each other to notice. 

 

“ **Stop!** ”

I scream as loud as I can grabbing a hold of Eric's chin roughly and pulling it so that his eyes are locked with mine. I know that if I’m going to get through to one of them it will be him. 

 

“Stop.”

 

I say it again softer and I see his arms drop to his sides as we keep eye contact. There is a scrape just below his eye that is accented by a small trickle of blood. Its going to swell no doubt about it. The longer I keep our eyes together the more calm he becomes until he finally speaks.

 

“I’m sorry. I wasn't supposed to start a fight.”

 

“You didn't.”

 

I try to comfort him just a touch seeing the regret in his eyes. He doesn't want to fight but he isn't going to be the first one to back down. Neither of them are. I don't know what I’ve gotten myself into with these two.  I turn to face Tobias who is looking at me with complete horror on his face. 

 

“Look pheonix you have no idea what he is capable of. He murdered my … friend Amar he's evil and he ruins everything he touches.”

 

Tobias is getting more worked up as he goes but I put my hand up to silence him. I’ve heard enough to see that neither of them are capable of dealing with this situation. In two years they haven't met a resolution that wasn't fist fights and I see now that there is a lot of mending to do here.

 

“That's enough.”

 

I notice Eric surveying the room and all eyes are on him. Not Tobias. Everyone stares at him with this sad look in their eyes like the pity him or something and I see how it affects Eric. He balls his hands into fists.

 

“What the fuck are you looking at?”

 

He spits on Tori's rug and storms out of the room.

 

“Great. Seriously? Didn't I ban him?” 

 

Toris sarcastic eye roll garners a few chuckles and I turn to leave as well. Tobias grabs my arm and jerks me back towards him.

 

“You aren't seriously going to go after that psychopath.”

 

“If I don't then who will?”

 

I scan the room again and no one will meet my gaze except Domino who sits on the floor nursing his drink with watery eyes. I still don't know what part he has in this whole mess but it's clearly a central one since he is the only one of the remaining group who seems affected by this. The rest of them seem numb to the whole thing.

“That's what I thought.” 

 

I add with a touch of bitterness as I pull my arm free of Tobias’s grip and push to go find Eric. 

 

“Nix don't go!”

 

Tobias calls after me and I freeze.

 

“Don't call me that Four. You picked Phoenix when I first arrived, Eric picked Nix. Thats how its going to stay.” 

 

Im standing in the doorway now and I spot a mostly full bottle much like the one Eric had earlier sticking out of the potted plant at my feet. I grab it quickly and just as I’m closing the door I shout.

 

“The Order of the Phoenix is honored by your generous donation.”

 

I close the door loudly behind me and turn to look for Eric only to realize he is standing right here waiting for me. I grip my chest at the startle.

 

“I’d hoped you'd follow me.”

 

I lift the bottle up like an offering.

“The chasm?”

  
“I’ve got a better Idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys thanks for sticking around  
> thank you mmelody6 and Shania+Jackson for your recent comments! I'm so excited that you guys are reading and liked it enough to comment. I hope you are still reading demonsrun.  
> As always please dont hesitate to talk to me about this story I love to hear from you guys its super motivating.


	17. Star Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Booze get both of Eric and Phoenix to open up and talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so I have been without a computer for a while and I'm trying to get back to this story. Thank you so much for all your comments, It means a lot to me that you guys are reading and are invested in this story. Just for being so great you guys get a whole chapter of heart to heart conversation. enjoy!  
> As always please comment and message me I really love interacting with you guys it makes this whole process so much more fun!

I had never bothered to wonder what Eric's apartment would look like. Now that I am standing in the middle of his spacious flat I realize that what I’m seeing is very unexpected. The room is gray and black with shiny metal accents that much I could have predicted. He has a breakfast bar separating his kitchen from his living room and a small hallway jutting off the back that I assume leads to his bedroom. What's surprising is that the place is impeccably clean. No clutter, garbage or dust anywhere.The floors shine like they have never been walked on. The kitchen looks like it has never been used and the couch has no wear and tear. The far wall across from the main door is nothing but bookshelves. The wall extends high up to a vaulted ceiling and everything above the shelves is glass, letting in moonlight. It's actually beautiful yet I would believe it if I was told no one lived here. I can't imagine Eric scrubbing and mopping and I wonder briefly if Leaders have maids that tidy their quarters for them. 

 

Eric tosses his keys onto the kitchen island and gets out two glasses from his cupboards. I’m still standing in the middle of the living room absorbing my surroundings when I hear his voice.

 

“It's a little better than the initiate dorming, I know.”

 

“Is everyone's apartment like this or just the leaders?”

 

Eric leans forward on the counter with his elbows and plays with his lip ring idly. 

 

“I’d say just mine is like this. Most apartments house at least 2 people.”

 

“Why do you live alone?”

 

I look to Eric now abandoning my inspection of his leather sofa and glass coffee table. When I look at his face I realize that he has been studying me in the time I’ve been studying his apartment. My skin feels warm all of a sudden. 

 

“I’ve been told I don't play well with others.”

 

I chuckle but it sounds forced. After what just happened back at Tori's it's hard to joke about Eric's isolation. I’ve just glimpsed how complicated this situation is and I'm desperate to unravel it but I don't want to push him. I walk slowly over to the counter and lean on its opposite side depositing our bottle of booze on the counter between us and look to the small square glasses he has before us. I need to be careful with Eric or else risk losing al the progress I’ve made getting passed his defenses.

 

“What happened to drinking from the bottle?”

 

I don't care one way or the other but I’ve only seen Eric drinking straight from the bottle and I can't help feeling this effort is for my comfort only. Eric looks like he is mauling over his answer as he fills our cups.

 

“This seems a little more… casual”

 

I nod thoughtfully. There are so many questions I want to ask him but I don't know where to start. After the games last night when we won I was supposed to get some answers from him. Or at least one answer was guaranteed. I remember the moment I was dangling from the wheel holding on for dear life and Eric appeared to say just what I needed to hear to get me down. He had behaved so strangely his face such a conflict of emotions. I can see it clearly in my head still. I desperately want to know what that was about, and how he let it happen in front of Ren. Rens sharp gaze and quick mind miss nothing and I know he is already suspicious of me. It’s not like Eric to make mistakes but I can't imagine that he would ever let on to how close we are getting on purpose. I want to ask Eric about the shoes and the cameras, what happened with Tobias and how Domino is involved. There is more still. I want to ask him how an abnegation leader might get access to memory serum or what he knows about divergence. My stomach coils and my throat constricts. I can't ask him about that. I can't talk to anyone about it. Not Tobias or Eric or anyone else. I don't want to believe that either of them would hurt me or turn me over to those who would but I remember what Tori said about fear changing people and I know I can't risk it. They are smart men though and they both already know I’m getting my memories back. What if they realize why? How could I deny it? I feel the skin on my lip split as I rake my teeth over it in thought and I’m suddenly brought back to the present.

 

“Nix, I can hear your brain churning gears.”

 

Leaning across the counter like we are actually allows our faces to be rather close. 6 inches apart maybe. Not so close that it's distracting but close enough to relax my shoulders. I take a sip of the cup he poured for me and try to grab hold of one of the questions that has the lowest stakes. 

 

“Um, you owe me an explanation, I think.”

 

I start off trying to remind him of our deal yesterday but Eric's face looks haunted and pale when I say that and I quickly realize my mistake. Before he can panic and run like I know he wants to I quickly give him some context.

 

“Yesterday, the war games. You promised me an answer remember? I won that deal fair and square.”

 

Eric lets out a long sigh dipping his head low and extending his arms and back in a stretch against the counter. The relief is obvious and I feel my heart settle down again.

 

“Yeah, you did but to be honest I don't know what the question was.”

 

Eric looks at me sheepishly like admitting he didn't know something was hard for him and it probably was. I glance over to the couch and decide to make my way there while I give him the recap.

 

“Well in your defense I think the question I asked was ‘ What was that about?’ which is admittedly vague.”

 

I’ve reached the couch and as I sit I grip my stomach wound lightly and grunt. The alcohol is losing its numbing effect so I drink another sip before continuing.

 

“I'm not sure exactly what I was asking either. On that platform you were acting… uncharacteristically. I guess. You called me Nix in front of Ren. He's already suspicious of me and everything I do. Not that I can blame him I’ve been acting strange. I’m just thankful he hasn't asked about it yet. I don't know what I’d tell him.” 

 

I prop my feet on his coffee table and chug the rest of my drink the nervous energy getting the best of me. I can't look back at Eric so I reach to set my cup down realizing before I let it go that he has approached and is refilling my cup. I lock eyes with him and nod a thank you. His face is pale and the strain is manifesting in the pull of his eyebrows. He sits down next to me on the couch far enough away not to touch and sets the open bottle where I had been placing my cup a moment ago. He takes a long moment before turning towards me and leaning back against the arm of the couch with his feet on the cushion between us.

 

“I was… afraid.”

 

He takes a large gulp of his drink and at first I think he is going to continue but the silence after his declaration draws out and I see that he won't be saying anything else. I drum my fingers against my cup and mirror his position on the couch,

 

“You were afraid of what?”

 

“ Geez, Nix. You were dangling 1000 feet in the air and screaming, I was afraid you were going to die.”

 

Eric sounds exasperated and I know I’m pulling more out of him than he want to give but I can't help myself. The way his eyes pierce into me has my breath catching and I know I’m in way over my head with him.

 

“I’m sorry, for frightening you. I was afraid too. “

 

I hope in saying that he will look less cornered but his shoulders stay stiff and he just nods looking at his drink closely and swirling it around. I’m surprised to find him asking a question now.

 

“ Ren, You said he is suspicious. Suspicious of us?”

 

Erics voice is tight and he still isnt looking at me. I feel a rush of joy at being able to give him some good news.

 

“Oh no, not us just me. He's smart. Observant. He knows I’ve been missing meals, sneaking around. He hasn't voiced any suspicions about why but he did ask me today where I keep going. I get it ya know. Initiation is all him and Maybell are thinking about. All they have to worry about. I’ve hardly thought about it at all with everything else happening. “

 

Eric still looks worried though when he asks his follow up question.

 

“So what did you tell him about where you've been?”

 

“ I told him the only thing that I thought I could. That I’ve had me memories erased and that I don't know why or how. That I’ve been trying to figure it out.”

 

Erics eyes shoot to me now and he leans forward towards his knees.

 

“ That was stupid! Did you ever think that by telling Ren you're putting him in danger? What if the person who erased your memories finds out you're getting them back? Do you know what that will tell them about you? What they might do to your friends to get information? Hell can you even trust Ren? How well do you know him?”

 

Im startled by the bombardment of questions and I flinch from the intensity that he spits them. The truth is I hadn't considered what danger I was putting Ren I had not considered the danger I was in myself. I feel foolish and overwhelmed. One question sticks out in the group.  _ ‘Do you know what that will tell them about you?’  _ I try not to panic but my heart is pounding. I do know what that will tell them about me and it seems like Eric does too. If Eric already knows I’m divergent then I’ll have someone I can talk to about it. I try and shut that hope down as fast as it sprouts. I can't know exactly what he means. I can't risk asking him and revealing myself if that isn't what he meant. I tell myself just to ignore it.

 

“ No Eric, I didn't realize that would put him in danger or I never would have done it. I have no idea what I’m doing. I'm in way over my head here. Last month I was trudging my way through school hallways and trying to avoid getting doped up with peace serum every day. Now all of a sudden I have an entire conspiracy centered around things I can't remember while trying to keep a lot of secrets from a lot of people. I don't even know who I can trust. The two people I need the most are trying to kill each other every chance they get and the only two friends I have don't trust me because I keep lying to them.”

 

I rest my face against my hand and sigh. My chest feels hollow. I have no idea how to keep this all straight in my head. Eric doesn't know I’m divergent I insist to myself. He doesn't know Tobias is my brother. I can't be sure if telling him either of those things will go over well. Eric tugs at my hand that covers my eyes and leans forward to look into them.

 

“ Hey, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just…You can trust me. I want you to trust me. You don't have to do this all alone... “

 

He trails off lost for words but there is so much emotion in his face that he can't vocalize and I understand that all too well. I don't want to keep making him, pushing him, so I nod. Hoping it will show him that I’m not just a burden that I can be his friend too. I take another sip of my drink hardly registering the taste and noticing that Eric's glass is near empty. I start forming a plan in my mind. If I keep him drinking which shouldn't be hard to do I can keep him talking too. So I grab the bottle off the table and refill his glass for him like he had mine. He smirks at me but doesn't say anything. If he is onto my plan he must not be opposed to it. I know the alcohol is helping loosen my lips It may be exactly what we both need to be this vulnerable right now.

 

“So I’m still dying to know something”

 

I lead into my question as I set the bottle down looking at Eric to see if he looks willing to continue or questioning game.

 

“ The shoes?”

 

He asks and I actually laugh. I good laugh the kind that makes me feel warm and relaxed. 

 

“ Yeah the shoes.” 

 

Eric is smirking when he begins to answer.

 

“ You, I don't know what it is about you. I just couldn't stop thinking about you and those rags tied to your feet. After the train and the roof and all the shit talking you were doing down by the net. You just confused the hell out of me. You weren't afraid of me. Not then, not the next morning when I practically ran you over in the halls. Jesus you actually cracked a joke at me when I was leaving and I couldn't believe the audacity. Nobody talks to me like that. Not anymore.”

 

Eric trails off for a moment and sips his drink, I patiently wait for him to continue desperate to hear more. To hear him confess that he is just as fixated on me as I have been on him but afraid at the same time of the intensity this relationship is bringing so quickly. 

 

“ I was pissed and I stormed out of the cafeteria but I felt… guilty too, for barking at you. I liked how you treated me and I didn't want to admit it to you. So I went to the control room pretending to be checking up on some business Max had me doing. I watched to see if you took my advice. I saw you did but you didn't get shoes. I figured if I moved quickly I could beat you back to the dorms. So I ran. I honestly can't believe I did that. Neither could Hannah. She worked at the store I went too she knew the shoes weren't for me, obviously. She didn't ask though thank god because the only excuse I could have come up with would have been Meg. Meg and Hannah are friends and then I would have had to explain myself to Meg when she didn't get the gift I supposedly got her, That would have been a mess.”

 

Eric is rambling his words sloppy and I laugh at his confession imagining him trying to orchestrate this whole thing only a day after we first met. 

 

“But how did you know my shoe size?”

 

Eric smiled coyly and relaxed back into the sofa.

 

“Well heres something you didn't know about me. I’m from Erudite. Originally. I have a pretty good eye for measurements. “

 

I stare at him mouth open. I can't imagine Eric in blue with glasses and neatly slicked hair. Reading books and taking tests. I remember how neat the handwriting was on the note. I glance at the wall of books only now realizing how out of place they are in Dauntless. I flash back to the hallway that first morning when he asked me how many steps we’d taken in the last hall, a question I could answer despite getting lost not an hour later in all my Eric centric distraction. It does make sense and I can't believe I never put it all together. He is meticulous and smart. He shares a lot of the qualities Ren has. He is so ruthless and strong that I had never questioned that he was Dauntless. He IS Dauntless but he wasn't always and it seems so obvious now. 

 

“Wait, so you're telling me that you can guess my shoe size just from looking at my feet?”

 

“Yes, that's exactly what I’m telling you.”

 

“No way”

 

I'm watching Eric's face relax as he chuckles and it feels great. He looks at me mischievously for a moment sizing me up before responding.

 

“You're 5’10 and weigh 138 pounds”

 

My jaw drops. He is dead on for my height. The last time I weighed myself I was 130 but with all the training, muscle building and chocolate cake at Dauntless I can't honestly say that he is wrong. Even if he is he is damn close and it's surprising to say the least. 

 

“ Thats incredible.”

 

“ It’s a pretty useless skill, at least at Dauntless.”

 

“ Well what purpose did it serve in Erudite?”

 

“ I could measure things accurately without actually measuring them. I used to scare the shit out of my lab partner. I would just start pouring chemicals together without measuring and it always turned out fine but If you mess up, add too much of one or the other you can explode the whole room. I wasn't worried about it. I sort of liked the danger. Plus I loved making that kid shit his pants for no reason.” 

 

Im laughing again at the image of tiny rebellious Eric making stuffy Erudite work fun. He is Dauntless after all. It makes sense. The cut on his cheek bone from Tobias’s punch has begun to swell so now when he smiles only his left eye crinkles. The drip of blood has dried there and my stomach twists in concern. He hasn't mentioned it and I wonder if it's the alcohol or just his nature that keeps him from paying much mind to his injuries. I chug the last of my drink feeling loose and daring and happy. That last part though might just be Eric's doing. I get up from my spot on the couch with him and set my glass down. Eric follows my movement curiously looking ready to get up too.

 

“Stay there. Where's your bathroom?”

 

He relaxes back into the couch and tips his head toward the hallway I spotted before.

 

“Its through the bedroom. There's no door so you’ll see it.”

 

I nod at him thinking about how I’m about to enter Eric's private space and it doesn't seem to bother him. I feel honored. I walk down the short hallway and enter his room seeing a large bed low to the floor neatly made with a black comforter. His room is just as tidy and bare as his living room. Only a dresser and nightstand by way of furniture. There's is a book next to his bed marked halfway through and beyond that the room looks just as unlived in as every other space. I see the doorframe Eric mentioned and consider how odd it is that there is no door. The hinges on the frame suggest there used to be and I’m puzzled by the idea that Eric didn't want a door. I reason that living alone means privacy isn't such an issue but it's strange nonetheless. I walk into the restroom and begin searching for the supplies I need. I find in his medicine cabinet antiseptic and butterfly bandages, I grab a small hand towel and wet it in the sink before returning to Eric who still waits on the couch. When he sees what I’m carrying he makes a strange face. He sits up rigidly and puts his features into a controlled neutral.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

My heart is racing but it's exhilarating and I don't want Eric to argue with me over this. I want to do it, I think for myself as much as for him, so I try to defuse his tension as best  I can.

 

“Shh, please. Just let me.”

 

I'm standing in front of him now holding my supplies and waiting for permission to touch him. He has scrunched up his eyebrows again and is looking passed me at the wall.

 

“You don't need to.”

 

“I want to “

 

It's the truth and it's easier than trying to insist that Eric needs me to take care of him. He doesn't. Not really but he won't do it himself and so in a way he does need me or someone to care. He sighs and nods once. A small nod. He still won't look at me and my heart is hammering in my chest. I set the antiseptic down and hesitantly place my hand on the side of his face that isn't injured tilting it toward the light so I can dab at the dried blood with the damp towel. Eric pushes back into my hand his eyebrows relaxing and his eyes closing. I gently dab at the wound and if it hurts he hides it well because I get no reaction from him. The silence between us feels tense and I start talking to fill the silence without planning much of what I want to say.

 

“Meg told me, in the infirmary today, that this isn't unusual for you. That you and Tobias have been sending each other to the infirmary for 2 years now. I don't think I really believed her before this. “ 

 

Erics eyes flutter open with his face still in my grip and there is so much sadness there. My heart aches for him but I continue my ministrations using them as a distraction afraid that if I show him just how much I care that he will clam up and shut me out. 

 

“Is that all she told you?”

 

Erics voice rumbles from his throat and I can feel its vibrations in my hands as I dab the ointment lightly on his gash.

 

“No. She also told me that you two used to be really close. That a guy named Amar died and that it wasn't just Four who turned on you when that happened. She said I gave you guys something in common again.”

 

I almost leave that part out but I can't. I want to remind Eric that no matter what he tells me I can't just take his side. That my neutrality serves a bigger purpose. That it isn't betrayal. I need him to understand that. Placing the butterfly bandage on his cheek I see the skin pull back together a small trickle of fresh blood blossoming as Eric winces. I dab at the fresh blood with the rag again finishing my work but hesitating keeping my other hand on his left cheek and looking into his eyes as I continue speaking.

 

“Tobias said something about Amar at the party tonight. He asked why you killed him.”

 

Erics face has returned to his controlled mask and he grits his teeth.

 

“And I told him that I didn't do it. Did you hear that part?”

 

I nod my head reassuringly keeping my voice low and soothing.

 

“I did.”

 

Eric pulls his face from my hands pouring himself another drink and filling my empty glass on the table. I pick it up feeling downright drunk at this point. I’ve never felt like this before and I find its efects pleasant. I see what it is that draws Eric and my mother to it. It makes things easier. I resume my position on the couch hoping that giving Eric a little space will ease the tension a little. I opt to sit cross legged this time on able to keep myself from leaning in as I wait for Eric to say something. Anything.

 

“I can't.”

 

My heart drops. That's not what I was hoping he would say. I need to know what's going on with them. I need them. Both of them. Tobias has answers about my past that I can't find out on my own and he ties me to my identity. Eric has something else all together. Hes strong and he makes me feel strong too. I need him in a completely different way. 

 

“ I don't want to make you but Eric… You told me I could trust you. Now I’m telling you that you can trust me too. “

 

I wait as Eric thinks. His hand shakes the liquid in his glass quivering with it. I want to touch him but I don't. 

 

“I’ll tell you… but I want answers too. Secret for Secret. “

 

I nod my head already running through a thousand things I don't want to answer but knowing I can't ask him to open up like this without returning the favor. My nerves are fried at this point so I just wait for him to start. He looks so much older than 20 when he sets into his story.

 

“ 4 year ago, Tobias and I were in initiation together. It was a big year. A Lot of transfers. The competition was fierce and both of us were fighting for the top position. Our instructor Amar had taken a liking to Four and at the time I was convinced that he was ranked first because of it. I followed them around. Caught them …. Entangled in a dark hallway one night. I was furious I threatened to turn them in for it but Four begged me not to. 

He asked Amar to switch our rankings put me in first and him in second and that just made me more mad. I wanted to be first but I didn't want it handed to me. So Amar had our next fight be against each other and we fought hard. We were both more bruises than skin by the end but Four won. I had to accept that despite Amars clear favoritism he had ranked us fairly and it burned to admit it. Four knew that. He could just tell, he pulled me aside one night before stage two started and tried to make peace with me. He was just so damn likeable and at first I hated him as much as I liked him. By the end of initiation and for 2 years after that the three of us were inseparable. I was the only person who knew about Four and Amar. I think it was the Abnegation in him that made him want to keep that private. 

Then Amar died. They found him in the chasm. His body was a mess pummeled against the rocks for who knows how long before we fished him out of the water. Four was distraught, animalistic. He wouldn't accept that Amar had thrown himself over. He insisted that he would have known if Amar was depressed. I understood ya know? They were so close admitting to himself that he had missed the signs was impossible and I didn't want to try and make him. I knew though. I knew that Amar had jumped because I’d tried to talk him out of it.“

 

Im leaning forward hanging on Eric's every word my drink forgotten in my hand. He takes a deep breath his eyes watering. He tilts his head back blinking hard twice before starting up again.

 

“ Everything fell apart. Four worked in the control room and he found the footage. Amar and I talking by the chasm just before it happened. It was a heated conversation. I was trying to talk him out of it. He wouldn't listen to me. He was angry that I had tried to stop him. Four got it in his head that I pushed Amar. The camera didn't have the chasm in view exactly. Just the hallway leading up to the bridge.

Everyone in the whole compound was wrapped up in this. There was a trial date set for the alleged murder of Amar and I was the suspect. Four was shouting accusations at anyone who would listen which was everyone and the only way I could get him to stop was by agreeing to going under truth serum at Candor headquarters. 

I was already a leader by then. I had a shit ton of privileged information that I couldn't just spill to the entire population so I convinced Jack Kang into holding a private interrogation. Just him and I so that anything I said could be confidential. Four was furious insisted that it was a conspiracy. He wasn't satisfied with Kang's verdict and he never will be. I know he loved Amar that it's too hard for him to accept what happened but he abandoned me. Threw me to the wolves. It's been 2 years and I still wish I could fix it.” 

 

Im stunned silent. I want to console him but  I can't. What do I say to him. I'm sorry? what good does that do. I know Eric doesn't want me sympathy and so I just decide on placing my hand on his knee and keeping my mouth shut. He looks at my hand for a long moment. 

 

“Now do I get to ask you something?”

 

He looks drained from his confession and I just nod at him as my answer.

 

“Where did you go after the war games? With Tobias.”

 

My gut drops. I thought we had gone unnoticed. I was wrong. Of course I was. If Eric saw that Tobias and I didn't exit the train it's possible that others noticed too. Ren. I don't know what to tell Eric He just confessed something so personal and now I’m hesitant to do the same. After everything he just told me I can't stomach lying to him and me hesitance is met with his unwavering gaze.

 

“ Eric…”

 

My voice cuts off and I see his features growing angry.

 

“ Nix, I answered your questions we had a deal.”

 

His face already looks betrayed and the guilt surging through me is mixing with adrenaline as I cave.

 

“ I know. I know you're right…. Alright. Fuck Eric. Look I'll tell you but…”

 

“But what?”

 

His voice is cold. I have a strange sense of shame and it hurts. I don't want to feel ashamed of Tobias. Just a few hours ago at the party I was so proud to think of him as my brother but after Eric's confession I'm confused. I’m being pulled in two directions and it's going to break me.

  
  


“But... I think telling you is a bad idea.”

 

Erics is stricken. His eyes wide and his hand clutching his cup tightly turning his knuckles white.

 

“wow”

 

It’s all he says, I scramble to recover from what I just said.

 

“ Not like that. God no, not because I don't trust you. Because you aren't going to like it and neither will Tobias when he finds out you know.” 

 

“Just fuckign tell me already.”

 

Eric has moved away from me. He is pacing behind the couch now having abandoned his empty cup and carrying the half empty bottle in his hand. I bounce my head lightly against the back of the couch kicking myself for being such an idiot and a coward.

 

“He's my brother Eric. He took me to Erudite to show me some documents he had found. Evidence that supported what he was telling me. It makes sense, everything he showed me, the scars, the Abnegation man in my flashback. It's only one piece of this huge puzzle but it's a start. “

 

Eric is facing away from me his pacing stopped and his shoulder high up in defense. I brace myself but I’m still unprepared for his reaction. He spins around his face hostile and his words accompanied by spit and growls.

 

“He’s your fucking  _ Brother _ ? Jesus christ Phoenix when were you going to tell me?”

 

“I just did.”

 

“If I had known I would have never...”

 

He trails off and I can't keep the disappointment from my voice.

 

“You would have never what Eric? Trusted me? Don't you think I know that? I found out less than 24 hours ago. It's not like I’ve been keeping this from you for long but yeah not wanting to tell you stems exactly from that.”

 

He plops on the couch his head in his hands and I don't know how to feel.

 

“This is bad. This is so bad.”

 

I decide now what I’m feeling and it's pissed. Eric has no right to make me feel bad about this. As if I can control any of what's going on. I need the truth and he knows that and not liking what I find won't matter. It won't make it untrue. I was happy to find out I wasn't alone and I don't want him taking that from me. 

 

“This is why I didn't want to tell you. You said  I can trust you but look at how you're reacting. I need him Eric. I can't do this all alone. I’ve been alone for so long and I’m sick of it. I need to know who I am and he is all I have that ties me to the truth. “

 

I want to blame the alcohol but I'm not sure I can when the tears start falling. I can feel Eric pulling away from me but I feel powerless to stop him. He is still cradling his head when he answers me.

 

“You don't understand Nix this just got so much more complicated than it already was. What do you think Four is going to do if he finds out you're here?”

 

“He knows I’m with you he saw me go after you.”

 

I try to keep my voice steady as the tears continue to streak down my face and Eric doesn't seem to notice.

 

“He knows you went after me but that's completely different than knowing you’re here in my apartment. If he figures out what I, That we’ve...”

 

His chest is heaving and I know what it is that he can't say. If Tobias finds out we've kissed. The fact that he won't say it sticks a knife in my gut and I feel so stupid. Of course he would be embarrassed by me. So I decide to say it for him. 

 

“ That we kissed Eric? Twice? Is that what you're too disgusted to say.”

 

My voice cracks and a sob shakes my whole body. Eric looks up at me now after hearing it and I wish he hadn't.

 

“ What are you talking about Nix?”

 

“ Oh, come on Eric just admit you regret it.”

 

“ Do  _ you  _ regret it?”

 

He barks back at me.The hurt on his face matching mine.

 

“No”

 

I pull the bottle from his grasp and gulp as much down as  I can, I feel him pulling the bottle from me and I try to push his hands away desperate to drown myself in this bottle rather than here him continue. 

 

“ Stop, stop it, okay? Just stop”

 

Im breathing heavily and another sob leaves me now followed by a hiccup. Eric leans forward pushing his forehead against mine and sighs defeated.

 

“You're 16 Nix and my initiate. I was worried we would get caught before but this just got a whole lot more dangerous. Tobias wants nothing more than to tear me down in every way he can and if he found out it would be a disaster. I wouldn't  _ just _ lose my job. There are repercussions for things like this. For both of us.  I didn't mean it was bad being with you. I wouldn't have you hear now if I felt that way. I meant that I’m stupid for letting this happen. For putting you in this situation.“

 

I keep my eyes squeezed tight and hiccup again.

 

“ I put myself in this situation and I’m turning 17 in 2 months.“

 

“ I'm an adult Nix. Im supposed to be a leader and i'm responsible for this.”

 

“ No you aren't. You're just Eric and all you're responsible for is your own happiness.”

 

I hear him chuckle but I can't look at him yet.I have the image of his hurt expression plastered against my eyelids and I feel like my heart is breaking. This is all so intense but I need it. 

 

“ I wish that was true. That would make everything a lot easier.” 

 

“ What are we going to do?”

 

“ I don't know Nix. “

 

Silence stretches between us again and I’m exhausted. This whole night has been incredibly draining but I don't want to leave. I’m afraid that he is going to kick me out but I ask anyway. I’m tired of being afraid.

 

“Eric?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Can I, stay here… tonight?”

 

“Nix…”

 

“Please?”

 

I don't want to beg but I can't even imagine going back to the dorms, I don't know if I could walk myself after all the drinking we have been doing. The room is starting to spin and I’m afraid to open my eyes or move at all. 

 

“You that trashed?”

 

His voice sounds hopeful and I chuckle before I respond.

 

“ I honestly will pass out in front of your door if you kick me out.”

 

Eric tucks a hand under my chin and pulls back my face to look at me so I finally open my eyes. I don't know what he sees there but he sighs nodding and getting up.

 

“Well we can't have that can we? You can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

 

I open my mouth to argue and he puts up his hand to silence me.

 

“ It's not up for debate. Either you go back there and sleep or you leave.”

 

I don't want to leave so I shut up and nod my head feeling guilty for kicking him out of his own bed. When I stand up I loose balance immediately and the room goes sideways.

 

“ Wooahhh. Jesus you're not kidding about passing out huh?”

 

Eric catches me his hands warm on my biceps. My mouth is watering and I feel like I might hurl so I just nod my head instead of answering. Eric scoops me up like he did back in the dorm and carries me to his room. His chest is warm and I let my face fall against his neck. He smells amazing and the movement of his chest soothes me. He sets me down gently on his bed pulling the covers back but leaving them at my feet. I miss his touch already. He studies me for a second before opening a drawer in his dresser. He pulls out a t-shirt and sweatpants and tosses them onto the bed. He grabs one of the pillows and heads for the door. Glancing back over his shoulder and hesitating a moment he calls to me softly.

 

“Goodnight.”

  
Then he's gone into the living room and I’m alone with Eric's soft clothes and warm bed. I look at them running my hands over the fabric before slipping out of my training clothes from this morning and gently slowly getting into what he left for me. I'm wrapped in Eric's sent as I start to drift off. 


End file.
